What happened?

What happened? I was asked that question last night, as I got into bed, arranging my 3 layers of blankets, him helping. Once done, he laid beside me, that question the first one out from his mouth. My head was buried almost completely under the multiple layers, my source of warmers. I couldn't see him, nor answer him, proper. I did offer him, though, a mumbling, nothing.

He laid there, for a little while more, perhaps, no longer than 3 minutes, his face looking at me, while I tried my best to ignore it. I failed. His looking was making me really uncomfortable. People staring down at me really makes me feel uncomfortable. It's something that I need to work on.

After a while, turn around, facing the other way. He stayed there in his position for while, before leaving, heading straight to his pc. I made no attempt to talk to him, nor communication with him. How sad, I feel.

At that point, so many thoughts were rushing in my head. Was that the right moment to let him, my intentions? To share my plans of my future, which sadly, doesn't not include him? How would he take it? Would he be shocked? Would he just stare back at me, blank? Would he kick me out, there and then? A thousand and one questions and statements ran through my mind. Only one was not questioned, he would be hurt, very deeply.

Yet, I feel that, it's better for me to be the bad witch, hurting him now, then living a very responsible life without any love for him. While actions may define the love we feel, I feel that I cannot continue to show, to shower my love to him. It has become so fake, to me. This is but not the life I had wanted. Seeing it now, I should get serious about my life and take a steering lead, instead of always just hoping along.

These few weeks would be intense. I can sense it. I must take all the deep breath that I can, summon out all the demons in my head and get courages. Hope and strength has never been more needed than now. What a christmas present, spirit, and holiday!

Forget the world, remember me.

outfits need to grow

Testing outfits for work! I should have experienced this long ago, throughout my five year or so being employed. That way, by now, I would have been an old pro, have tons, or a variety of working clothes to choose from. Instead, here I am this morning, unsure of the outfit that I would like to be seen in, later today in school.

It's rather difficult for me to create a professional look for myself. For now, perhaps. All my working life, it has always been uniforms, or casual look, meaning that jeans are allowed. Whereby looking professional, while it is welcomed with open arms, it is also normal to wear casually to work. After all, working in a manufacturing environment, the most important thing is feeling comfortable when working. Clothes that wouldn't hamper your movements, should you need to evacuate in a jiffy. I shunned skirts as they were always deemed to be a hassle when you have to do un-predicable work of perhaps, moving pc, wiring, etc.

Formal meetings at managerial level or figures of authority may encourage the members to don more business like suits and attires, but since I was never up till that stage, formal meetings, where image and professionalism were of importance, has always found me in formal attires. In others words, pants and formal shirts. The furthest I would go is to apply some lipstick, which would constitute my whole make up pallete. I'm that simple, and pathetic.

Being five years in the business of working hasn't really helped me in this aspect. I need look for more sources and inspirations to create an at least semi-professional look, not semi casual look. Since the start of this week, when casual wear is longer an option, I've been slowly but surely exhausting my formal wear collection, which is by the way, really countable within a minute!

That said, I should be getting myself more, especially jackets and coats, tidy little ones would be fine. Also, I've made up my mind to wear formal today. I'll keep my coat and skirts for the next time. Perhaps next week, when the working days are just 2 out of the whole workweek! Yes, but the lipstick will be applied. Morning cheers everyone.

Life's unfair

Interestingly, the unfairness of life is what makes life, life. Daily, it is so common to come across the phrase, life's unfair, either in jest, in hard emotional situations, in happiness, in anger. People seemed to like using this phrase alot.

I was reminded of this phrase again, yesterday. For the past 2 days, I was engaged in the in-house training, or so called workshop. One of the speakers were the place's consultant, a mschun. I shall not name her here, though. Anyhow, she's a great speaker and motivator.

It was her that used this phrase in one of sections. I had not of the habit to use it, hence hearing it again, make me think. My head was spinning, listening to her, while also processing my memories.

Life's unfair, but it is perhaps the things that you deemed unfair that makes it fair. You get some, therefore, without a doubt you have to give some. You want more money, you have to work. You want more time, you have reduce work. You want to be heard, you have to talk. You want to listen, you have to stop talking to give others a chance to be heard. You want big head, you have to die, or try to undergo impossible surgery. You want to move out, you cannot stay here, comfortable as you are.

So life's unfairness. Maybe. But like I said, maybe we all should not emphasis on the UN-but instead the fairness. It's the balance, the yin and yang of this world. Life's unfairness is the FAIRNESS of life. It has to be, there's no other way.

noticing

It doesn't feel right not sharing my little evil plan with my other half. Yet, I feel it's for the best. Moving out from where you are staying together doesn't really give a very positive direction on where the relationship is heading towards. He would not be able to take it unselfishly, and I won't be able to tell it well.

I've thought about letting him know that I have the intentions to stay on my own, once I get another job. He had been a little hurt, if that's the word to use, and had asked for the reason. For after all, after staying here for almost a year and half together, what reason could I give? If I had wanted to move out, perhaps earlier I should had done so. Why now?

I could only muster saying that I crave for more privacy and my personal space. And I feel tired staying here, being 'mother' -like to him and the 'maid' -like to this place. I am uncertain if he took that seriously but he didn't really say nothing after that. Perhaps my un-seriousness in saying those to him, didn't make him think that I would actually do it.

He has but started asking what I'm doing of late. I've managed to avoid answering some, while mentioned those norms. I don't want to say too much. He, I believe has started to see, to note, to notice. I will tell, if he asked, straightforwardly. I dread that day to deal the cruel blow to the person who loves me deeply. But that it should be done, soonest. A tired mind grows a weary heart.

Time heals all, the sooner you get burnt, the faster you can start healing and start living. Me the most. All things are falling into place, almost all, one by one, at a time. How I dream them. We should live only with those we share the same dream. Else, we should live happily, one with the world.

selfish solution

I must take a stand, rigid stand. A decision, now, on something. This is a new situation for me, in a way. I've given it much thought before this, had somehow came up with perhaps the better solution for now, and had kinda made up my mind to do it, when the time seemed right. And I think yesterday signalled that time's up, and the right time to start doing has arrived.

Each situation has a different approach to finding a solution. From today onwards, I have decided to take a proactive role to reduce and cut down my active communication with a friend. I adore him dearly, but I guess that's how it should me. As a friend, I do hope he would understand. He must.

It was really a touching moment after we parted during our meeting. We haven't met for quite a while. Always there were reasons to uptake for not being able to make it, to meet. But meeting, the friendship that was there, rekindled, as though the time apart in between was nonexistent. It was not very surprising though, as we had always enjoyed talking to each other.

Of course then, it was hard for me to let go, once he had gone back. I love chatting with him, and end up missing the short time we spent together. So, instead, chat engines, messages, phone calls, emails, you name it, were used to keep in touch. We just shared, ideas, thoughts, daily happenings, thinking, gossips, for a while now.

Much as I adore doing so, I must stick to my gameplan. He must not be in my life, existing actively to be part of my world, now. Cutting off on the virtual communication is the way to cut off this friendship. May it still be able to survive this cruel penalty I've decided to uptake, just as it had before. It should survive time, if nothing changes. This is my solution for this situation. My selfish solution.

Again...?

It's a very cold morning. Again, after yesterday, I've been waking up quite early. The new job does require me to go earlier to work, but surely I bet, others do not wake up as early as I do. I'm not complaining though. The serenity of still, cooling morning, I almost forget how they were, and how I love them so much. The eerie calmness that they exudes to help unclutter my disorganize thinking.

Again, I had taken a bow off the day a little early. The exhaustion of being in training and then finishing up the daily task of doing balancing sheets might had been the probable cause. But I guess, running off for an appointment right after I got back was also one more reason why I was tired.

Again, my friend and I, we took to apartment viewing last evening. The area was okay, density not too high over there itself. However, the road there was not too much of my liking. A little haphazard, in my opinions, with vehicles parked on both sides of the 2 lane, one way road, reducing it enough for a lorry to pass by comfortably. The apartment area itself was not too bad. The environment was serene and nice, giving the out the feeling of calm.

We both managed to view 3 units, all identical, well, almost. The first was the best, though. Unit was not too basic, the kitchen cabinets already installed. Too bad, it had been snapped up a lady, for her personal dwelling. Also, it was on the 4th floor, the highest one. The next 2 units were really identical, aside from being located on different floors. The unit on the ground floor, was not bad, looked clean and new. We were hesitant though, as it was on the ground floor. The last unit was again on the top most floor. We actually called in when the current tenants were having their dinner. I felt a little embarrassed, but the agent was not, and the tenants were okay with it. The unit had a little visible leak, making it difficult for us to really consider it seriously.

Again, spirits high, we left. Went off to take dinner, which was a good decision, because we holed out a stall selling steaming hot nasi for nasi lemak, with freshly fried chicken. The price was really reasonable. I decided to have that and also tapau for Him. Even after being packed almost for 2 hours, the taste was still alright. I guess I most likely would be going back there again.

So once again, a few pages of reading completed the day. I didn't think that I managed to finished even ten pages last night. Sigh. Let's see how today goes. Good luck!

hanging pants

A new discovery, or oversight, maybe. Whichever way you want to view it. Today, I'm supposed to start wearing formal to work. The last 2 weeks, which was incidentally the first 2 weeks on my new job, I got away wearing casual smart as the office was under renovation. Not anymore. The major hacking, ripping, clearing, painting, cutting, wiring, carpeting, tidying and all has been done. It's now left with the arranging, tidying, labeling and getting used to it.

So, wanting to look nice and all, I decided to wear a formal pants, which I had purposely ironed last night. The last time I had worn it was when I was last working. That was about half a year ago. I really didn't think much and had it on. Which was when I noticed it. It was loosed. A little to lose that's I think having it on, made the pants looked huge. A totally unexpected discovery. Since I'm still lacking with a full length mirror, I didn't want to take the chances, and decided another pants would be better. So I changed. The smaller pants were a little big, but definitely fitted better than the former.

I have been told, of late, that I've grown thinner. Yes, weighing myself, I do see a drop in the weighing scale, but very slight. A pound or two. Seeing myself, though, I didn't notice any significant change in my body size. I am still the same, and look the same. It was, of course then, quite a surprise to find out that my pants were a little hanging on my waist now. It was one of those safe pairs, where you can wear and nothing much go wrong, in term of fitting and colour. It was a pair of long, black pants, after all.

I will have to try on my others pants later today, after being home from work. It's better to know how they are well in advance. At least I can make necessary arrangements, and adjustments. The thought of needing to get an entirely new wardrobe scares me. It's a very expensive investment, one which I cannot afford to do now. Seriously unable to. Furthermore, I'm still uncertain if this is just a lucky break, my being thinner now. How long can it last, will it last that it would needs a new wardrobe? That I cannot be sure of. I shall wait.

While most girls rejoice in the thought of being able to find reasons to shop, I am dreading the moment. One, as mentioned, financially, that would be a very difficult endeavour. Secondly, and most importantly, I'm not very good in shopping. I get what I need, and most need. If I already have, then it's even more difficult to get something else, for the sake of variety. I should be flexible in this. But worry not, I'm adjusting, albeit, slowly. I don't want to get burn.

my first time

There is a first time for everyone. Normally though, the first experience would come at a much earlier age. Mine was today, a little late being that I'm approaching the big three O very soon. My very first house viewing experience. Yeah, I'm dead serious in moving out from where I'm staying now and living out on my own.

Luckily, my first viewing was accompanied with my good dear friend. She is not a pro in this, yet she seasoned enough to ask and to understand what was being said and needed to be explained by the house agent. I certainly am lucky to have such a great supporter like her. Thank you, so very much.

The place itself is actually not a house, but an apartment. The unit isn't that big, yet I think the space is big enough for the two of us to stay comfortably. There are three rooms in the unit, of which one is a master room with an attached bathroom. The other remaining two rooms were not big but perhaps just nice in size for a single person to have her privacy. There is a common bathroom outside.

Kitchen was very bare, with just the sink provided. In fact, the whole unit is quite bare. Apart from power points and 2 ceiling fans provided, one each in the living room and master room respectively, there is nothing else provided. Bare minimum. The laundry area is at the back of the kitchen. Bare as it is, the condition of the unit, is quite good and surprisingly clean. However, I still think the asking rental is a little high, at least for the two of us. The agent has, however, said, the owner is set that the quoted price is un-negotiable.

I quite like the environment of the apartment. I could feel the quietness and serenity on a sunday afternoon. There weren't too much noise made, nor heard. If I was not mistaken, there are about 5 blocks in that area, all built on the hillside. There a little pool, big enough for you to swim a few laps for to relax and also a little playground for the children. Nothing fancy. It's really a promising place, stop short of the rental.

The agent was also a nice person. It was a she, middle-aged, and had decided to wear a blazing red shirt today. She looked decent and professional enough to know what's going on in her field. Too bad, she isn't the owner. Would be great to be able to deal straight with the owner though. Perhaps, we might just be able to get a little discount.

Anyhow, I'm not losing hope. If there are no better options, both in terms of price and environment, then I guess I do have to burnt a little more that I had budgeted. I guess, this is life, on your own, by yourself. You decide and make do with the best after choosing your decision. Good luck, gal!

move out ..?

I'm in the midst of making one of the toughest decision in my life. This is something that will change my projected future, no doubt. I want to move out. I want to stay on my own. I want to stay not together with my other half.

I had really pondered this for quite a while. Maybe I'm prejudiced in my views, not taking care what the other half might want or giving him time and opportunity to state his case, but I believe here, that the decision to do just such has nothing to do with him.

On the contrary, it has everything to do with me. I feel that the longer I were to be there, to stay there, the worse I would turn into. Everything would be consciously detached from me, nothing will be looked at with fondness anymore, including my other half. The state of my mind is really quite set now. If all is according to plan, later, with another friend, we will be off to some house/apartment hunting.

Of course, tons of things get implicated with this impending move. The fact that we were as long as we are now, and throw in the factor that we stayed for almost a year and half together, this step will surely raised eyebrows of many. Anxious, I am yet, a part of me just doesn't give a damn. Cold-hearted and cruel, b*itch, ungrateful, whatever, throw all your labels to me, I will catch them in good faith but just throw them for you in the appropriate place, the garbage bin.

The obvious implications need not be said here. It is so transparent that even a blind man can guess it, as soon as he smells it. I might regret taking this step, yet, I feel, not taking it, I might regret too. Hence, when two heads' not syncing anymore at all, 0% totally, it's only fair not to drag, to push, to force.

This is not behind your back plot. Hints had been said, although in a jest, but had been said. If he gets shocked, I am truly sorry. I don't feel oblige to inform, prior. Simply, because I don't want to do anymore explanation that I should. Heartless, I try not to be. Understand that please, from the deepest of your heart. If you really love me.

I want to move out, and give myself room to grow, positively. May God bless me, with the bestest and happiest of life's grace.

great minds

First it was the similarity in the red shade, then it was the yellow, and the finally, the black tone. In all of life's coincidence, getting the shades of the shirts that you are wearing similar for 3 straight days is really something, no?

Beginning the third day of work, when she had exhausted all her formal shirt, she thought, what a great idea it would be to try casual sweet to work. So she pulled a cardigan over her spagetthi strap. It was the red one, which she had not worn for almost few months, not since she had her last few classes.

When she saw him coming, how surprised it was for her to note that he was wearing a red, almost maroon in colour tee. Talking about clashes, eh. It was something unexpected since they never did discussed what they should be wearing, lest alone, to find 'matching' outfits in the same tone. Nobody does, except couples in love. Trying not to delved into that too much, she just felt that it was just a coincidence, and nothing more. After all, going out, didn't many people ended up wearing many similiar shades?

The next day, again, her carefully planned wardrobe timing had been clashed with. She had decided to go casual, and thought a shirt with jeans would do nicely to translate this message. Hers was of yellow and white striped baby collared-shirt, with faded jeans. It was really a not unique assemble, something she had paired uncountable times.

And when she saw him in a bright, yellow tee, she was momentarily stunned. How could it be? To clash for the second time was really something. Great mind think alike? Or was it the case of too few too predictable clothes? For her, perhaps it was the latter, but for the guy, she was pretty sure that he had tons more of clothes compared to her. Yikes! She tried her best to ignore that fact, but it swirled in her head throughout the day.

Grey was the option for her the next day. It was unexpected, as she had wanted to wear some white but couldn't find anything. The overall outfit gave her a very dark brooding feel. Hopefully, with this change in mind at the very last minute, the clashes would stop. Two days of wearing similar shades were difficult to go unnoticed. Anxiously, she proceeded on her day. Then saw it, the tee in black!

Really, mere coincidence couldn't be occurring so many times in a row. Was he spying on her? That was simply an impossible thing and she knew that. She in dark gray, he in his black shade. How matching. How obvious! Luckily he was wise enough not to crack a silly joke over it. The first 2 times were really not funny. The third time would be just too embarrassing.

I'm inclined to give us both credit. Great minds think alike. Sounds more cool than 3 times of coincidently wearing the same shades.

stability vs instability

Is it abnormal not to only yearn for a stable life together, but also an unstable life together with that one person? My unfortunate condition of being the so-called right age to get hitched is seriously turning my life topsy-turvy!

For now, others are not just contented to let me live, as what I am living now, but also wants me to commit to them. Endless comings of the question 'when are you both getting married' or 'when's your turn is really turning the heat off for me'. Asked so innocently, perhaps, with the sincerest of trying to show interest and concern of my future, yet I am really not happy with it, not welcoming it. The unconscious pushes, maybe with their sincerest to help set the tone, is really backfiring, big time.

I yearn more than having a place to stay, having good in-laws, having happy close-knitted family, having a good guy looking over my shoulder, having a chauffeur, having grand wedding dinners, having things, of having. I long for time together, adventures together, activities together, talks together, love together, live together, doing together, planning together, going together, growing together, of together. For me, that what happiness together is suppose to be.

Put me at the stake, for not sharing the conventional thinking of your family of ready to wed, then burn me, not forgetting to burn rubber as well at that time. I'm guilty if so.

truly, trust, love, loath

for someone who truly loves another, she will be trusting everything of that person's. what will happen that if that very same person breaks the trust, motives asides? should she then continue her channeling her undivided devotion to that person?

this question played in my mind for so many moons, already. as much as i'm supposed to be a so-called better half of another, i'm not sure that i ever got to that stage of love. to be so much in love with a person, that you just want to be with them, no matter what the risks, the consequences, the battles and wars you have to face, the jeers and humiliations, and of course, the courage you have to endure. no kidding, sometimes, i felt strongly that very much incapable of feeling that deeply, in anything. everything's done more of a reactive behaviour, the notion that i have to be a responsible person, abiding all laws and rules deemed socially and culturally acceptable.

indirectly, this is the result of growing trying to please everyone around me. studying hard to get good results to please the parents, getting into the stream that socially i should be in, going what was deemed professional enough, working in what was deemed better than others, or not doing what that were deemed against the laws of social and moral conduct. simply, in short, letting myself to be cornered almost each and every turn in myself, to believing that i'm good, if i do this and that, just like i'm suppose to be. and that i should be doing just like that, to show my gratefulness and appreciation.

hence, borned was the girl so incapable of doing something wholeheartedly for fear of stomping the house down with self-imposed immoral and over-the-top behaviour. so how is she to let love conquer her, if she herself cannot show love undevotedly? how is she to be trusted, if she herself cannot be trusted? how is she to give love if she loath herself so much? god is great, hence please, light up the path to self-love.

*smile*hug*

In the spirit of suddenness or unexpected behaviours, a dear friend, who is one of the very few people who knows of this existence, had suddenly made it to stop by here, once again. Of course, I'm proud she suddenly had the urge to pay a visit here, but somehow, I wasn't expecting it!

Yes, before she was a big supporter of this gal's ramblings and would read most the entries. Heck, made her jumped on the bandwagon of blogging as well. She has her own blog now, too. Horribly heavy workload and stressful personal relationships took a toll on her time, somewhere about a month or so after she'd started with her new job. So, my blog got one less known visitor all this while.

Anyhow, that's besides the point. She's a very smart girl. Reading them, she applied her very smart intellects and dissected my being, in that same night. I was stripped bare, naked, well, almost. No more hidden agendas. As if there were to begin with!

My Lavender Girl, no worries. See, you have the brains to be an Analyst! Do not disbelieve in yourself and your capabilities. Stop doubting. You showed me, how good you are in piecing things together. I believe in yourself. You just need to believe yourself, more!

*smile*hug* *smile*hug* *smile*hug* *smile*hug* *smile*hug* *smile*hug*

9-char label

I suddenly thought about the famous book of anne frank's, simply known world-wide as The Diary of Anne Frank. Probably everyone knows and have read this book. If they have not read it, they would most likely have heard of it. Who wouldn't, it shot to fame for it's very honest views of life in a war from a teenager.

There is not reason why I should suddenly get this flash of un-brilliance, but I did. What may have been the trigger was perhaps the format of one of my most recent posts, the letter form. Seeing that made me remember how she had addressed all her entries to Dear Kitty before setting off to tell her story.

Kitty was the name she called her so-called journal. My chosen label, was of course, not a name to anything. It just a thought in the very first moment when I used it. This second time around, I had thought, yeah, why not just stick using the same alphabets as I couldn't make up my mind to pick other better, more interesting combination of letters to form names, or labels. Hence, my chosen, (My) PALM. So aligned with the era of the 21st century! Chars were used, rather than alphabets.

Do not go wondering, why those 9char combo. Like I said, there was not any insightful reasoning that I can offer, then. It is the same now. Or rather the same, now is just repeating what's done before. Anne Frank had a already thought of how she had wanted her diary-writing to be before she started. Nothing came across my empty-brain head when I started this blog. Everything was done as the how the mood felt, as I wrote. Even the chars were used so sparingly, appearing only twice, out of the over hundred posts, if I'm not mistaken.

Unfortunately, I still have much to catch up with, in terms of learning the ropes of the technicalities of the language and also manipulations the vocabulary bank. She was so much ahead at that age, compared to me at my age now. I'm slightly embarrassed.

Maybe I should get a copy of that book, my very own copy. I really cannot decide.

immortalized

She was speechless. Again, she scrolled the text message on her mobile. Her eyes read went through the message, this time slowly. She took a deep breath. It felt so touching! Never had anyone told her that. She knew in her heart, that this was one of those messages that she would not forget her whole life.

She was torn. One part of her had really wanted to leave the message there. Yet, she knew, it all hell would break loose if she did. It was one of those messages that could not be kept at all, not even when held ransom. She let out a cry of frustration! Why, oh why, must she be tortured like this? She screamed her heart out, her crumpled, pale-white face the only betrayer of the emotions she was feeling.

Slowly, as her face muscle relaxed, she took a deep breath. Exhaling, a thought came to her. Brilliant! She smiled and wasted no time. Her pudgy fingers quickly started working on keyboard of her pc, her mind focused on her great plan. Within a few clicks, she navigated herself to where she wanted. The blank space on the page of window on screen, finally appeared.

She quickly took her mobile and once again, displayed the message. She re-read it, this time, taking in a few words at a time. Once she had mouthed about 5 words, she put down her trusty mobile by the side of her pc. Her fingers started typing at once. In less than 10 seconds, she had the five words down. Once again, she took mobile, this time taking in another about 5-8 words of the same message. Again, she repeated to transcribe the message to her pc. In less than 2 minutes, it was done. She had managed not only to transcribe her message, but also the message's details. It was an thing to her, to remind her, when it came.

She re-read the message on her pc's screen. She was not taking any chances, and took her mobile. Again, she read the sender's message, once in the while looking at the screen to compare if she had made any mistakes of any kind. This must be perfectly recorded. Satisfied, she deleted the message in her mobile, albeit with a heavy heart. It was necessary, though, and she understood that completely.

Quickly then, she clicked at the 'save now' button. Now, the message would forever be immortalized in her life. Her virtual life. She let go a deep breath and started dreaming.

dream, slow, forget not

Dear (My) PALM,

Good morning.
It's a dark morning, still and cool. Occasionally, the sounds of engines running the highway nearby cuts the silence of the morning. This is my reality, now. Today is the second day I'm up so early in the morning, after so long.

Today's going to be a good day, I can feel it. Apart from improved typing skills, my thoughts are more focus as well. I hope that these are signs that my cognitive level is slowly recovering, going back to normal state for more improvement. It's nice not to lose the one thing that makes us stay sane.

The last few days, while it has been a revelation of sorts, I noticed too, that writing was deserting me. All motors needed in this writings were like fused with each other. This massive system somehow got over liquidated with too much lubricant. Thinking was too much, too fast, too random for the fingers to catch and translate them to words for view. Yes, fingers too had slight of a problem. They went into delayed mode. Maybe the motors wanted a respite after a busy month or so. Perhaps. Perhaps.

Anyhow, this and that gone, time flies. Many things had been waited upon, had been done, had passed during the last few days. Yours truly really felt that if life were to end now, she wouldn't have such as big of regret if it had ended perhaps, say couple months back. The sheer massiveness of the last few days has been really an eye opener for her. Things didn't look that bleak to her, at all. Not so much gloom and murk and numbness as she had thought.

Perhaps the last few days could be described as being in a camp. Sharing camp. One perspective from a happily married lady with her cute, chubby child; another from a smart but stubborn member of the opposite sex, and with last sharing session coming from 3 very talented and insightful but growing beautiful cynics. No holds barred, as one personality might put it. Sharing has never been to welcomed.

Yes, it hit the right on the spot to say I (un)intentionally led myself into my own stalemate condition. It is only right then that I am the only one capable of bring me out of this deep shit. Many plans in my cunning minds, but my weaker will is the controller. Paraphrasing a very experienced lady's thoughts, to which I agree totally, planning is not difficult, but execution is really the main challenge. My challenge is to execute the hundreds of possibilities I've laid out for myself, in my head.

I've always been slow. Thinking things over in the head really takes time. Over the years, sometimes this even led to abandonment of ideas. Wonderful, necessary or just merely ideas. Everyday ideas. Which eventually developed into a habit of not doing, which progressed further to being complacent, which then moved up to the ultimate step of forgetting and just accepting things. Now, I don't want to be forgetful anymore. Being slow is fine, as long as I'm moving. Eventually, the tortoise too reached the end. I don't mind not beating the hare.

Out of habit, I love mornings, the calmness, coolness of things. I think it is still the most serene and uncontaminated part of each day. So good morning, once again. Enjoy it, fast or slow, it's a call all of us can only decide for our own, but don't forget to enjoy it. Do not just forget your dreams, or abandon them.

Thank you very much.

Yours truly,
jsb

a new begninning

Today is really a new beginning for me. A massive beginning in the areas of professional. I hope. This is the date to blow the horn to signify the start of one girl's journey into her unfolding her complicated dreams. A life's journey long seated, waited, and sometimes forgotten!
My first day at work in a school, finally. Congratulations to me, really. While I may not be there as a teacher yet, but just as an officer, at least I had managed to get myself into the field. For that, I'm really proud of myself. The overwhelming information input from the first day is not still not too much to bog down my spirits and stopping me from radiating out positive vibes. Life's short, you learn what ever you can, you go for what ever you want.
Since I could not do my teaching, both for reasons personal and not-so personal, this job was really as good as it could get. I got a taste of handling parents. The first eight hours at the job had already made me a little out of breath and also out of words, but I forgive myself. With a little dreaming, and replaying and reading and memorizing and practising and what-nots and what-shoulds, I pretty sure I can ace this job. Already after the initial shock reeled in and my system got use to the idea, I was already it. A little slow to learn for such a simple job, but heck, the problem was really also contributed with their lack of a decent information sharing and dessimation system. Yes, Pat, I will back you up if you want to lay out the spine to this system. I think that it a great idea, with big potential!
The people are really very friendly and vocal. This really is very much different from the five years back that I was in manufacturing. This was more like friendly and caring while then, it was more like friendly but cunning. However, when all's said, this is but only the first day's impression. Getting in half through a heart-to heart conversation in two person's native dialect and pretending not to understand, did indicate all is not pretty and sweet. Let's wait till the lead player in everyone's messages arrives tomorrow. I believe, things would be even more interesting.
Thanks to all friends for all your kind messages. Love you all for your concerns and appreciate all the support that you guys showered my this morning. They really helped. I couldn't asked for better circle of friends! Truly, I'm blessed! Thank you all, once again, from the bottom of my heart.
I am bracing myself as the load unfolds. All might not be as rosy as this first day.

drink, not drunk

Dream it, and you will have it! The basic concept of the law of attractions says that you need to dream your dream up for it to turn into reality. Keep dreaming of it, keep on thinking of it and by doing so, you will be channeling you energy towards attaining it.

As surprising as it may be, I dreamt of being drunk before. Maybe wish would be a better word here. And indeed, I did get drunk! And 2 nights in a row, how about that?! Okay, maybe I was not really drunk but I was certainly way too high to control or edit my thoughts. My thinking was still coherent, I believe, for I was aware words spoken were in sentences, not burst of unintelligent sounds, as normally portrayed in the movies or dramas. The only set back was just probably I had a little difficulty in abstaining in what was in my head swimming.

Then again, maybe that was the reason I had wanted to get high on alcohol in the very first place. Being chained or restrained, can be very taxing to your mind, body and soul. Many watchful eyes, yet they do nothing to affect me or myself. In that state, however, unhealthy and harmful it maybe to my body and mind, I just didn't mind. It was just great to be there, to be able to express what was buried deep in my head. A long awaited release, it certainly was!

Truth to be told, I believe, that was the state that I was looking for to get in. Conscious but free. Being drunk would have missed the whole drinking point, but being what I was in then, maybe that's why all men and women to consume alcohol! It might sound a little irresponsible, but hey, I still could stand up straight and was still very conscious on how I looked like. Even managed to combed my hair and applied a layer of foundation after that, just enough.

Would I do it again? YES! It was really an unforgettable experience. Definitely one of those moments in my life which I would treasure, and treasure close to heart. Dream it, and you will have it!

stalemate

Stalemate :
<< A situation in which no progress can be made or no advancement is possible; reached an impasse on the negotiations >>

What is it like being in a stalemate condition?
A morning ago, a friend described myself as being in this stalemate situation. I had a little trouble understanding what he meant. The vague meaning of the word, since I've always only associated it with a condition in chess games and seldom or never perhaps, applied it in reality; and furthermore, I was still reeling in the effects of massive dosages of alcohol in my system for the past 2 nights. Delay counting formula has never been more appropriate to be used on me then to describe the condition that I was in just now. This post was a day late in making and even so, my fingers are pressing keys a little too cautiously.
My brain function has not fully recovered, I believe. Words are creeping up, instead of sentence. I want to describe and argue and make sense of my situation but here I am, still rambling a little. This is perhaps the therapy to help me understand what this impasse situation is, examine it inside out, as best as I can. I need to analyze it before I could come up with the best of solutions. Offer myself chances of re-sharpening my thinking skills, of analyzing factors unbias, of selecting and understanding the concept of appropriateness, and most importantly, of the step of executing out.
Stalemate, this needs further looking into. This post does not justification, totally non-sequitor. I must be honest.

Chasing Cars

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?


- snow patrol -

end of today

In about less then 3 hours time, this day is going to end. I have a very strong inclination that I would still kept waiting. For that call. And for that, I'm really disappointed.
I know that I do not even have the slightest of right to feel disappointed. It was my calling, my chosen path to push him away. And this is the first blow that I have to face with.
There is no chance of calling him, just communication via texting. I had waited long enough, I guess, before making my move. Soon, the coming of the end of this day will signal the beginning of a new phase in my life. I'm on my own, as I had wanted.
This is his cruel joke on me, not keeping in touch, for he once mentioned, he wanted me to think of him. Putting me on my toes, wondering, he said, would make me think of him. That was his strategy then. Perhaps this is his strategy now.
I'm not sure anymore, I feel to not want to wait, to lose my faith in dreaming up our future. Such a big world out there waiting for me to explore. The end of today will signify another new beginning, for me.

role play

Life is about role-playing. Juggling the many roles that you hold, voluntarily or else, appropriate or otherwise. Today, I played the role of a good galpal. I bought things for my other half, to be given as presents, later this year. They were on sale, hence the wanting to be able to be nice, while not burning a hole in my already almost empty pocket. Interestingly, I felt more of responsibility rather than loving or caring. And the fact that I was aware of my feelings at that time, was even worse. I felt so detached when bought them. It was like buying a gift for a friend from a collection pooled together by a bunch of close friends. I was really sincere, but in a different way. I felt differently from the last time I bought something for him. The excitement, the predicted reaction, the imagined smile, all of those, were not present today. I am slightly afraid of this. Seems like this role is beginning to reduce me to an observer, not a participant. This is role is tiring and trying.

text

The air around me is pregnant with anticipation. At every few minutes passing, I'm peeking at the screen of my mobile, hoping there would be a message waiting to be read. It's a no brainer to do that, since today I had decided to be heard. Yet, I cannot help myself. I remembered feeling a wave of disappointed sweeping over me when a text message which I received earlier today was for some promotion from the provider, even though I had suspected it to be.

What kind of message am I expecting? Just a note from a friend, who coming home today, touching down sometime later, if not yet already. A friend, whose return I am deeply anticipating and waiting for.

It would be great if he could hear me now, from where ever he if he is already on land and text me. I'm too shy to text. It's traceable, anyhow. I'm a gonner, this time. You have me, hooked, but you don't know.

members' day is ON

I've just sat my butt down in front of my pc, posting again. Against all odds, I managed to not back out at the very last moment and joined the hundreds of shiny, happy people flocking one local retailer in our bid to not only help boost the economy, but feel better doing so, today. With reference to the previous post, the members' day is ON. Swinging hot!

It was easy to wake up, but harder to pull myself off the bed. Not comfort or laziness, but merely due to the silent battle going on in my head, still unconvinced that I should sacrifice my beauty sleep so that I may spend more money. In the end, curiosity got the better of me. Cleaning up, washing up, changing, and preparing my breakfast was done in a jiffy. Since it was still quite early before the supposed opening time, I played some scramble to get my brain working.

It was a wake up call, having to join the jam over at the other side of the main entry point to the garden at rush hour. The queue was just so long that I noticed I managed to listen to almost 7 songs. This is certainly an eye opener for me, for I've never been in this kind of jam, even when I was working before. Certainly, this needed to considered in my traveling arrangement for the new job. No other alternatives. Sigh.

Once passed the entry point, traffic was smooth all the way to the shopping center, taking barely more than five minutes. Guess, something must be done to ease the bottleneck at the entry point. I took my parking ticket and got a space easily, since it was so early in the morning. Inside, the rolling door has yet to be opened to the crowd of eager shoppers gathered in front, as if the door's going to magically open if they did. I didn't bother to, and headed straight to the ladies for a short respite. If my calculation was right, once I was done, the doors will be up. I was right.

My first stop was, without a doubt, to get my pair of jeans. There it was, together with it's clan, neatly piled up. I found the fit that I had eyed and proceeded off. The next stop was to find a bag, a target of a friend's. Took awhile and a little browsing around but I managed to find it. Tempted me to get one for myself as well but luckily, I have good self control. No bags, today.

The treat for myself was a pair of shoes. Quite a nice pair, I think, however, it would take the majority time to come to terms with it's quirkiness on me. It was flats in golden yellow shade with a ribbon tied in front. I liked it, since the other pair that I had aimed was not available in my size. Also, I needed a new pair of shoes for this new job. Since the first week was casual, this would most certainly help me. I know.

These three items in heart, I proceeded for the browsing game. By this time, the crowd in the ladies department had really ballooned. It was not easy to walk or browse. With my heart, you would be on your toes, hoping that you wouldn't be heckled for continuously bumping into people. But then again, today's a very special day where malaysians unite with one motive, to help boost the economy, jam-packed conditions and long queues not dampening spirited crowd.

I'm a giver of things, especially those discounted ones that I came across. Coming off the men's department, I got a pair of three-quarter shorts, a tee shirt, and a box of brief. No guess of course whose are those. The briefs were really requested to buy for, while the other two was on my own. Presents for christmas, or the new year, or end of this year, or for the new year. Whichever. My cheapskate yet generous self taking over. Maybe a little guilt as well.

Anyhow, all clothing shopping done, it was time to head towards the supermarket for some grocery checking. Ended up with nearly 100 ringgit worth of groceries, most of them not needed now, just bought because they were on sales. Sigh. However, most of those items are long lasting, so it's alright, I guess. Bought another treat for myself, peanut butter biscuits! An attempt to make me feel better for the spending that I had done. Too explosive.

In the end, I felt tired. I too find out that I'm not suited for this kind of shopping frenzy. Everyone was so competitive, as though afraid that those going up cheap which they had eyed will finish. Carts were streaming up and down the aisle, rarely any un-fulled ones. It was really amazing to see how much people can buy things, when the notion of sales and discounts were being used. Yours truly here wasn't spared either. Perhaps they, like me, really know the normal prices of those things that they bought, hence when offers like this comes up once in a while, it's really hard to resist. A ringgit or two saved today may go along way tomorrow, I guess.

One shortcoming was the lift, or the mobility of carts between floors and carparks. I guess that area should be looked into by the management. Innovating another retailer's ideas of having cart-friendly escalators would really help ease the waiting time for lifts. A convenient shopper normally would purchase more, in the long run. A small investment for a marginally bigger return, in long term.

Would I return to join this shopping frenzy in the future? Most probably but with conditions, I guess. Provided I am free to do it and not go alone, if my purchases needed a cart. Then again, with the money spent and the money saved might just get my indecisive self into an endless debate, missing the day itself.

kiasu-ism

I have had a planned hatched since yesterday, when I found out the a local chain-store is going to have their members' day tomorrow. In the spirit of kiasu-ism, I had made up my cluttered mind to be part of the kiasu masses, for the very first time, and join them in what is foreseen to be a very, very messy day.

I had found a very nice pair of jeans, a pair deemed fit enough that I may wear it to an (un)expected wedding dinner and not worry myself silly instead of over what dress to be worn. It's the ultimate lackadaisical me going to this wedding. Still, all girls don't want to embarrass herself, now. So, in trying to find something decent enough, I thought, Hell, this jeans would do it, and since it was on sale, why not. Just need to pair with a festive enough top and I'm sure I won't be the worst dress person there.

Now, I would have bought the jeans there and then, yesterday, if I had behaved in my usual conduct, which would have been choosing and trying out for the best fit and then purchasing it. Instead, I did something out of my norm, went over to the sales lady and asked her if it was on discount. That was the turning point.

The very helpful lady shared her wonderful knowledge and saved me from blowing another 20% worth of money from my fast drying up notes, if I am game enough to get it tomorrow. Else, she could only give me a discount of 50% off the printed price. I told her, then in that case, I will come back on thursday, which would be tomorrow and get it that the lowest offered price. How could I not, since the kind lady even asked me what size I wanted and how many I needed. God bless her. Sure hope she would be there with my pair saved tomorrow.

So, that's how I'm quite determined to make sure that come tomorrow, I will get my head off the pillow latest at the second snooze, instead of waiting for the hands of the alarm clock to show 9. I will join the many working people in the dreadful morning rush to work. However, unlike them, I would be heading towards to purchase my jeans. After all, every sen and ringgit saved now is worth it. This would also be a good training for me to savour in all about the rush hour jam over the other side of this overly populated housing area.

Those are my wonderful reasonings to hatch this plan. Ahoy! Another fallen angel to kiasu-ism!

writing, my therapy

I heart writing so much, nowadays. At every given opportunity, I will write. It's really helping me get off so much that's boiling in my chest of late. I fear to speculate what might happen if I don't write. The kettle might just boiled to explosion, I guess.

Anything goes down, bright and make sense or just ramblings. I don't really care. It's like my therapy session, where if you just cannot make sense of your feeling in best of words, most therapist will suggest alternatives methods, mostly commonly, drawing. Mine would be writing, describing as best and as accurate as I could possibly have, else just ramblings, like pulling off the sink plug, just to let the swirling words in my head be washed down from the clogged sink of my head.

Then relief sets in, bringing momentary respite. Great big heave, before the grey matter starts to fill up again.

Ignorance is bliss

My mind is moving fast, streaming ahead, spurting out random and not-so-random thoughts. These thoughts, well, some are just welcome while others are not-so welcome. They might leave a trail of destruction when put into motion. If and when they are put into motion.

It is really not so much concern of mine if the trail is confined within the faculties of myself, mind, body and soul, if I should have any left yet, I think instead, more of the collateral damage will result in this case.

Some one asked me to be brave, for just another one time. I would really like to but I want to be able to rationally weight all factors and consequences. My overworked imaginative mind does not show picture which I might be able to accept now. The destructions that I might caused paint not a pretty picture which I cannot bear to see, let alone be part of it.

Which of course, leads to be main idea of why I want to leave here, and not too late. Indeed, this is main of the reason, for this cowardly heart do not have the courage and strength to summon such cruelty and stand to see it, watch it unravel. Ignorance is bliss.

Evolving

I'm behaving totally out of character. At least, I think so. Here I am, anxiously waiting for the one call from the one person who should not call me. This is the person whom over the years, I have managed to keep in touch with, without jeopardizing our friendship. Our complex friendship.

It's way out of norm. One year ago, or few months back, I would definitely not find myself in this state. I would know of the impending arrival, yet I will not condone my thoughts being channeled to this area. I would just blink, keep my chin up and my face straight, swallow my saliva, take a deep breath, and then force myself into ignoring this fact. That would be what I would have done, before.

But things have not been going normally, for quite a while now. In my head at least. I'm not just seeing things and feeling things as usual, but I have got the very deep sense to embrace them. Not fight them. In my head, I am wanting to break free from the clutches of my self imposed rule of empathy, of being good, of abiding the norms of society, and the rigidness of my so-called character.

Never had I been so strongly drawn to this side of my character as I am now. Waiting anxiously is the surface. My head actually went overdrive and thought of getting the person a gift. A parting momento, so that he may know where to look for me, in case I disappear. A personally crafted gift straight from my heart. Reasons, I dare not examine yet, but I strongly suspect, while I should have faith in the positive future, I must do what I can to help too.

This is really not me, isn't it? It's not frightening, but it's really troubling. Having this sense of thought that you are willing to get through anything, and know you are willing to do just about anything to get through them well. The sense of freedom, to carve your future path, as you want it, in your heart and soul. That life is about not having unnecessary boundaries imposed so that everyone else would be happy except you.

My character's changing, I think. I just think. I cannot really say I'm changing as I don't know how to honestly study, learn, analyse and compare the person I was with the person I am now. Maybe that's why I'm behaving out of character. Maybe, I'm just changing, evolving.

{ E.s.c.a.p.E }

-} {-

(You can run, you can hide
But you can't escape my love)

Here's how it goes, you and me, up and down at this time
We'll get right, where to fight
Cause love is something you can't shake
When it breaks
All it takes is some trying

If you feel like leaving
I'm not gonna make you stay
Soon you'll be finding
You can run, you can hide
But you can't escape my love
You can run, you can hide
But you can't escape my love

So if you go
You should know
It's hard to just forget the past to pass
It was good, it was bad but it was real
And that's all you get in the end of the matter

Here's how it goes
All it takes is some trying
You can run, you can hide
But you can't escape my love

-} {-

affirmation madness

Momentary madness, I wonder if this is what I'm experiencing now. For days, there has only been one longing my mind. The longing to see someone dear to my heart. I had never known that I could feel so strongly about that person, but I know, now. It's scaring me.

With the knowledge that it would take a miracle to meet up, I had allowed myself to think, dream, see and miss that person. Separated by bodies of oceans made me feel it's safe to let my dreams and fantasies wonder, while living this life. I had not thought for once, perhaps, that he might harbour the same thoughts and wishes the same things. He did, and all hells may be broken loose.

His coming back here, although for a short while, has made me very disorientated. I know I cannot meet up with him, for the obvious reasons. Yet, the desire is so strong, I'm frighten with what the outcome of this visit might lead to. I had never known I could be so focus in wanting something so badly. I was so not in tuned with myself and my desires for so long, maybe.

Timing's not very perfect though. He is touching down days before I'm suppose to start a new job. The bulk of his holidays would be during my first days trying to fit in and adjust. I'm not sure but I really hope to see him. I hope even more that he hope that even stronger, to meet me. It's not good, yet it felt needed.

It's not a closure, but more of an affirmation of things. What are those things, I'm still not really clear of, but yet, that is what I strongly feel. Affirmation. This meeting, at least, would be one of affirmation.

But this is madness at its peak! An affirmation so unneeded, yet needed. I'm terribly afraid of the outcome of this meeting. Whichever way, hearts will be broken to let love will triumph. The question is, which?

a HUGE thank you, ALL

Good morning. I let today start unusually late for me, considering the fact that I'm not at home. I was just too comfortable to wake up, no guessing that. After all, waking up to blog, prep breakfast, hang around the house, or day dream doesn't need no one to wake up that early right? Yes, that's my life. Envy not because you are earning banknotes, while I'm wasting time.

Yesterday has been a good day for me. Really. I got a job, finally! After a few month of browsing and spamming a quite number of companies with my resumes, at last, one company finally decided to take the chance to put their faith in me. I will not let you down, yer'all. Work the bestest that I can! You won't regret taking your chances with me.

It's actually a very simple job, taking calls. My main job will be taking calls. My other jobs will be covering some general administration tasks. I will be doing it in a private school, which is about 15 minutes drive away, when the traffic's clear and I'm abiding by the speed limits. In a nutshell, I'm a receptionist. I'm happy, very.

Glad I was so much, when you know that, from the way the conversation is turning, you are really considered as part of the team already, even the offer had not been officially presented to you, verbally. I knew there and then, then whatever questions posed during the second interview, I had better think well to give the answer as best as I can.

I was really pleased to note here that the principal and the office manager both have very sweet and wonderfully helpful characters. Instead of soaking up my answer and judging silently my performance, they had actually let me know, how I could improve, or what I could have done instead, or how they like certain answers of mine. I couldn't have asked for more! Helpful people around me! They actually considered the fact that I didn't have any experience in this area. I'm so blessed!

Pat and Michelle, I think you guys will be able to excel in life, and make the school proud with your believes. I will run as efficiently as I possibly can, be as open as I possibly can, and hopefully, the system will be the strongest it has ever been! That's my personal target. I owe you guys for the believe placed in me, for taking risk with me.

Someone very wise once said, dream, and it will come to you. Again, I had put my belief and dreamt. Placing my many thanks ahead of me, to all that had supported me in obtaining this placement. Thank you so very much from the bottom of my heart. I owe you guys! Huge, huge thanks!
Now, I will continue to to dream, for more, for bigger!

of pining & having faith

Pining. That's what I might be doing, now, judging from my actions and reactions. Unconsciously, my mind is unable to let go of the fact that he has finally come to terms with my terms. As what I had asked, he will not wait any longer. Have faith, I had told him. I don't want to do it, because you want me to, but instead, I want to do it, because I want to do it, for me, and then for you. Have faith.

Yet, I am feeling a sense of emptiness inside of me. The idea that he had taken my word for it is leaving an empty feeling in me. I have not communicated to him since that day, but yet, I feel something in me is lost. The ice cold season is starting, this time unsure if spring will come.

Watching Kyle XY, perhaps what Declan said is true. Maybe Lori like the idea of him pining for her when they are not together any longer. She gets a little worked up when seeing him with another girl, a sign that he has moved on, or wants to move on. Maybe I'm like Lori at that moment.

Maybe in the remoteness of my mind, I had wished he would have gone against what I suggested to him, and be his stubborn self. Which meant keeping me in his mind, all the time. Missing me all the time. Love should not be about doing what's being asked, but what's you think might make your love happy and happier always.

I need to get adjusted to this fact, I guess. There won't be anymore pining coming from that guy, however I might remotely wish. It's unhealthy. I will need to adjust to accommodate this feeling of hollowness brewing in me, but I'll make it. In time. We both need to move on, seriously. I need to stop pining for him while he needs to stop waiting for me. We both need to move on while continue to have faith for what's the best for us.

I believe, faith will lead us to what we are looking for, our happiness. Each individual in this world has their own definition of happiness. We just need to know and not stop working towards achieving. Faith in being happy will lead to our happiness. Have faith and stop pining. Oh ya, not forgetting, courage.

Out of the kettle into the fire!

It's a case of out of the kettle into the fire!

That idiom occurred to me just now, perfectly describing the feelings that I was having just now. Getting a proposal from my palm was really sweet. I would really love to jump at it, yet I think I should not be too brash in taking up his offer. If I did and things don't turn out well for us, it's really bleak for me. I think that perhaps then I will loose all the faith in myself to secure a good and positive future for myself.

My palm is really the total opposite. He is brash, too emotional and also just too judgmental when it comes to me. He still has his head buried deep with overflowing love for me, and even, I suspect, has already laid out a future plan for us. That is if his dreams come true. He was the one who'd told me, dream and it will come true. I guess, he will be doing this, if he really wants it.

I am flattered and totally humbled to be admired and loved by someone, so deeply. In my wildest dreams, he is always the lead actor. In reality, he never is. Unless, of course, I take him up on his proposal. He even had considered all my preferences when handing out his preposition. How business-like!

Giving in into my likes and desires, it is a way to entice me? Is he sincere? I really wonder, sometimes. Yet, I know and believe, from the depth of my heart and with a woman's intuition, he is the one, for me. Like I said, though, his proposal had caused the idiom to leap unexpectedly into my mind. Out of the kettle into the fire!

Either way, I'm burnt. Toast. Or vapourized! In the kettle, I'll boiled to vapourization. In fire, I'll heated to vapourization as well. Lose-lose situation. If the reason remain the same, guys! Yet, honestly, I would love to take up that challenge! Threading the unknown jungle is exciting! I might not get out in a wholesome state, yet, maybe I might find paradise while trekking and not want to get out.

Doesn't matter now, water's just stuck in the kettle while the fire couldn't stay alive as the gas had run out. Which means, no case at all! Which means, no idiom!

| -} tryst {- |

i am very selfish :)
u can only miss me, can u?
i can if u can :) finger crossed, promise
sarcastic i am not, but i am selfish, i want to allow you to miss me only
recall the sweet memory, bcoz u need me
i'm your gps, i m your everything, always
can u belief me for 1 time? js 1 time
i know it's tough for you
alright, if i understand u, we are possible, but you do not want to have the balasan
i just need to you be brave for one time
we should move on
u shud leave here, then we'lll ve a chance
i know how u feel, i think u r bored
even becoz of that, u wont give me a chance
if u r suffocated, get out
when u get out, will u look for me
go wif me, i only want to see u

deliberate..?

Good morning.
Yes, it's kinda late to be giving out those wishes, I know.
I got up late, deliberately.
No, I wasn't pigging around, sleeping in until I hit the 12 hours sleep mark.
I merely lazed around with my comfortable blankets wrapped around me, just meet my minimum quota of 7 hours sleep.
You heard me no wrong, truly.
Reaching the 7 hours mark required to sleep in until about 11am.
It's abnormal, for me, I know.
The self-proclaimed morning person.
Then again, lately, many things have been very not normal nor routine abiding lately.
A good afternoon would have been more appropriate!

I so want me, now

Maybe, like Adam has his Eve, everyone of us has a mate. Someone made specially for him or her. Our challenge is to find that one person. Then perhaps the world will be a happier place. Peaceful, bliss, filled with love everywhere. No war, mentally, emotional and physically.
If the believe was the one person is out there, I have been told to draw my strength for one last time, to be brave to look for it, and even braver, to accept it, should I find it. A final push. Let go and take the blind leap of faith.
I'm very very apprehensive. The last major push I stupidly dared to take after being led to believe that I found that one, ended up in me getting burnt. The physical scars are gone, but the emotional ones lay hanging all around my head. Stupid because simply, as everyone knows, playing with fire will get you burns.
If my one is out there, I'm not really keen to find it. Present the one in front of me long enough, perhaps maybe I will believe it, one day. Telling me that you are the one and that you believe I'm your one, is really not helping.
My challenge now is push aside all, and reboot my life. I will take with me my memories and hopefully use them to me guiding lessons in life. Apart from that, I really wonder if I may reboot, all?
I so want me, now. You and him don't matter, really.

Go, March, Think, Dream..Forward!

Go,
Go,
Go,
Forward!

March,
March,
March,
Forward!

Think,
Think,
Think,
Forward!

Dream,
Dream,
Dream,
Forward!

Forward,
Forward,
Forward,
Go, March, Think, Dream!

i will you to come to life

i will you to come to life,
i want you to offer me that which is you are holding,
i will make you not regret your decision to let go,
i will see that you will nod in approval.

i will you to come to life,
fear not of me for i've come around,
place your faith in me for i will not let you down,
mirror your thoughts in me for i will absorb.

i will you to come to life,
give out for me to take,
hand out for me accept,
throw out for me to catch.

i will you to come to life,
think, think, think, if you must,
think only but how you want me,
think but how i serve you, best.

i will you to come to life,,
you are the iron cast waiting to be used,
i am the hot iron waiting to be molded.
see it, believe it, we but fit for each other!

rambling..nonsense

Some things require pondering over, really. One of them is, of course, proposals. Not just any sorts, but the sort that all girls wish for in their life, typically. Marriage proposals.

There is nothing much to ponder if you are a girl, proposed to, by your one and only prince charming, who had not only undoubtedly captured your heart, but also had manage the leash the hearts of your family. As he is the prince, therefore, of course, he would treat you like a princess, nothing less than that. His love will be reflected in every thing that he does, no matter how minuscule it might be to the lesser mortal. This proposal needs no pondering over. He is the one that would complete you as a person.

But then, what if you are now approaching a, say, crossroads? You have a prince, but he kinda lost his charm over you. Your heart often steers you towards the land of 'maybe, I should have..'. It's not so much as regrets but more to fantasizing, but with someone else. Ideally, you break loose totally, so as not to bring forth too much untruth and dishonest feelings in play. Since you garner not much courage yet, you carry on, having gotten use to this. What you should do then, if a proposal comes? I for one, would not accept it, yet. It would be hurtful, but then, since I cannot yet find the other courage, accepting would be an unwise step.

But if you get a proposal from one you those that you fantasize with, do you accept? Without a doubt, the proposer is real to you, and while the proposal might not be entirely proper, you were proposed to. Hmm.. deep in your heart, you feel like accepting, then hiding yourself from the universe that you in now. You know you are the betrayer and a whole trail of destruction will be brought upon if you nod in acceptance.

I'm rambling nonsense again, but really, I wish, someone could see this. Someone wise.

longing, missing, you, ME

我想要
still unsure,
searching endlessly,
for the sign,
I am longing.

我想念您
wishing, thinking,
memories lingering,
you cloud my mind,
I am missing you.

你快乐
happiness,
shared goal,
love unconditionally,
be happy, always.

我快乐
be blissfully happy,
take pleasure in life,
want happiness,
I will be happy, too.

Please then, choose me

Another round of subjecting myself to being sitting down, proper and prim, with my ears sticking out listening while my mouth restraint of the normalcy of shooting out questions, inappropriately. Again, of course, I cannot fathomed why, after so many times, I still feel myself getting jittery, nervous and my voice would end up with squeaking like pitch. This is not a very good sign.

It was a single she this time around. She was pleasant, very pleasant. She was introduced to me, her single lady title in front of the name that she shared with the US first-lady in waiting now, by one of her helpers, if I may call her that, with very sexy, long, fair legs.

She was nice enough to come after attending a farewell for one of her staff, her eyes still quite red. I said nice, because she didn't mind to show her emotion to me, or the likes of me. Since today is friday, I guess that's why she was quite dressed down, wearing even a ribbon hair band.

Her English was bloody fluent yet not slanged, which I greatly appreciates. I have trouble understanding locals speaking slanged English. She was slim, hair had been straighten and quite tall, standing almost my height, if not taller. She was commanding and professional, yet not overly doing. She let out a air of approachable while still stern in her ways. Not overly tidy, her office, yet not messy either. I wonder though, why is her office guarding the entrance. Very weird arrangement.

I feel she was a little like me, quite cautious in her explanation yet trying her best to give out the general description of her school. I hope she did that because she wanted me in, and that while she didn't want scare me with grim pictures of the daily tasks, she wanted to let me know, this is what you will be getting into, not something or somewhere you can relaxed and zone yourself out. I hope that was her intention.

Again, I need to work in remaining calm and compose in these kind of situations. It's very frustrating not being able to think straight and get those information that you want while you are there, not when you have left. Psyching up myself before is good work but importantly, I must be able to retain the calm and upbeat state throughout and not allow myself be taken over by nervousness.

Apart from the need to align our desires in giving and receiving of cash, respectively, others went fine. She said, she will have the sexylegged staff call me the next working day. Wish I didn't blabber on just now, but really, kindly disregard that. I do hope to hear from them, with a very very positive news. I've decided my mind, already. Thank you. I choose you. Please then, choose me. Thank you, once again.

Terribly humiliated

I'm recording probably the most embarrassing, most humiliating moment in life that could ever happen. I definitely do not want to ever repeat it, nor do i want to forget it either. It would be a lesson of poignant humility in humiliating myself, in public, to be learned and never, ever repeated.

I had had the urged to visit the ladies while watching a movie in the cinema. I had downed almost a full large paper cup of cold soft drink, something which I rarely do in aircon cinema hall. I managed to calm my nerves down, not wanting to miss any part of the action-packed movie. Once the credits started rolling, I got my permission from the usher and make my way to the ladies before exiting the cinema complex.

We, me and him, made our way there, with him going into the gents while I headed for the ladies. Well, as usual, I always picked the squat-ing cubicles rather than sitting ones. There were two of each and both the doors to the my preferred choice were closed. Being in there somehow activated the urged to let go, again. I was standing in front of the 2 closed doors, waiting as patiently as I could.

I could hear sounds coming from behind the closed door to my right. The lock indicator showed it red, meaning that it was occupied. My eyes automatically veered towards the door next to it, the one on my left. It showed green, although the door was closed. I swore that for about the twenty seconds that I was standing, leaning forward and straining my ears, I could hear no sound coming from it. I took a small step back to check if I could see any shadows beneath the door, through the gap. This had always never failed to reveal the truth. No shadow and no sound.

In my short lifetime of using public toilets or restrooms or washrooms or the ladies, albeit very not very often, I had had been in the situations where there were long queues of people in front of squat-ing cubicles with closed doors, waiting patiently for their turn to relief themselves. As most of cubicle occupants change, there would sometimes be one cubicle which the door would remain closed. Upon closer inspection, again, cautiously deploying the two tactics described above, would somehow reveal that there is, in fact, no one inside the cubicle. Today's would most likely be like one of those days.

With much caution still, I gently pushed the door a little. Normally, a lock door would, of course not budged and normally too, an occupied cubicle will somehow emitt a sound or noises at this stage. Yet, I still could not hear anything nor caught any glimpses of moving shadows against the white-tiled wall.

I was confident then, it was the one of those situation. I confidently pushed the door open, and got slapped in the face! Not literally, of course! Seeing a girl trying to stand herself, I couldn't had closed the door fast enough. I was so shocked that I could only cry out the word sorry over and over again. Stunned and shocked and mortified. Terribly humiliated. I think that was the most genuinely embarrassing moment of my life. I most certainly wished that I'm Hiro at that moment and can turn back time.

It didn't help that the occupant of the other cubicle came out while I was crying out my sorry-s. Lucky for me, she was not a friend of the poor, compromised girl, as she did her thing at the sink and left. I stood there, not wanting to go into the empty cubicle, instead waiting for the girl to come out. Finally, as she emerged, carrying her whole load of stuff, I stood aside, not wanting to get in her way.

Remember, all the while I still had not stopped saying how sorry I was for that mistake and continued to do so, when she emerged. She was a very sweet girl, sweet enough not to reprimand me, in any way. All her young self, I think she's barely eighteen tops, said she was okay, and went on to explain that she thought there was something wrong with the lock of that cubicle. I was still rattling, genuinely humiliated, on how I was sorry and I didn't mean it.

Once I was certain she would not kill me or take revenge on me, I headed for the same cubicle as hers. No wonder she said there was something wrong with the lock. It was latch actually, a replacement latch for the original broken lock of the door. It was shabbily put up though, unaligned, making it difficult to latch. I tried to push the door down a little, but it simply wouldn't budge. Not risking it, I went out and used the one.

I didn't realized how badly shocked I was until I began my release. It was slowly, devoid of any oomph, if I may described it. This was certainly not the usual condition for me. Furthermore, downing almost a cup of cold soft drink would certain filled my bladder to the brim, creating more pressure. I most certainly must had been shaken, if not stirred with all that. It was one of the longer releasing session I ever had in public.

I saw the girl still there, in front of the mirror, appearing to be arranging her many things. Again, I apologized. I can't help myself. I really, genuinely felt so guilty, embarrassed, humiliated beyond description. Again, she said it was alright. She looked alrite. I believed she was grappling the situation better than me. I am not sure what else I could do or should say, so I took my cue and left her there, still arranging her many things.

I really hope, she's really fine and okay with that, in a way. I had planted in my mind, between the two tactics above and before the final approach, that I should knock any cubicle door first, before attempting to push it open. It made me wonder now why didn't I do that yesterday.

feeling alive

I am currently reeling in the effects of caffeine in my body. It brings calming effect of sorts. I can feel myself emotionally stabilizing as the drug seeps into my blood stream, slowly. The trembling fingers are slowly lessening. This is the condition of an deprived addict recovering from the temporary the loss of control over her motors, after getting her daily shot of preferred substance.

I have long knew that I have an addiction problem. With coffee. I must have at least a cup in the morning before I start my day. Else, I will be groggy, my brain won't wake up and I will feel lethargic. By mid day, I will get a headache, will be awful to people, if I speak, and will feel as though I'm getting sick. I'll be the living dead.

Like all addicts, I will say that I can control this addiction. Like all addicts, I believe I can. But unlike most addicts, I have tried, successfully to cut down the intake of my coffee, daily. I need one cup per day, which is really much lesser than before. I used to drink almost 3-4 cups every working day, and 2 cups on off days.

I now most of the time consume only half cup of caffeine, to further lessen my dependence on it. Although I have not tried, I know I can quit, if I have too, but I choose not to, for now. I enjoy the smell and having that morning drink each day. It's my way of feeling alive, for another day.

I'm pleading!

I'm pleading!
I need my caffeine!
My brain is racing, so many thoughts!
I want to rein them down, here!
My fingers are trembling!
I feel my head swaying!
I need my caffeine!
Now, Please.
I'm pleading!

waiting, again..

Today, right now, I'm waiting, but for another thing, from another party.

This second thing is totally not connected to the first, in any way at all. I am now typing this while my bewildered self is waiting for the gas tank man to arrive. Late last night, the gas ran out as I was putting a kettle of water to boil on the stove. It was near to twelve, so naturally, replacing the empty tank could only be done today. I give the all important to the shop about two hours ago, the first call, and was promised that they would be able to make it within half an hour.

I made the second follow up call, after giving them 30 minutes more on top of their promised 30 minutes time frame. What did I get?
Why did you call only after now, an hour later? Our guys went to CONFUSEDLAND. Well, I did give you my address and contact number as asked by your receptionist when I called, didn't I? Oh, she must have got the details confused. We will arrange for our guys to come over again. What your address and contact number again? By the way, you are in no urgent need for the gas right? Thank you!

I usually not that patient, emotionally especially. I suspect, being devoid of my caffeine intake, this morning is the main reason, why I'm still sitting here, waiting patiently. My temperature has not skyrocketed yet in utter anger and disgust. The third call, after the 2nd hour had passed, only proved to me one thing, and one thing only, the attitudes of business people here in this country will mostly likely never change. We the consumers are always at the mercy of the medium sized chinese proprietors, who bosses most likely harps like there is no tomorrow on how they provide the best services in town!

I'm can feel that I'm slowly getting boiled up. A dose of the much needed caffeine would be good now. My nerves need to be calmed, my stomach is subtly increasing it's growls and my fingers are all over the keyboard, literally. My spelling ability is diminishing as I go on. I think this is the farthest I should go for now, lest this post turns up undecipherable this point forth.

Yet a thought strikes up in my head. Again, I'm being put to wait. I wonder why. Does my voice and action personifies, it's okay to let me wait? The common denominator in both accounts is, clearly, me.