I'm behaving totally out of character. At least, I think so. Here I am, anxiously waiting for the one call from the one person who should not call me. This is the person whom over the years, I have managed to keep in touch with, without jeopardizing our friendship. Our complex friendship.
It's way out of norm. One year ago, or few months back, I would definitely not find myself in this state. I would know of the impending arrival, yet I will not condone my thoughts being channeled to this area. I would just blink, keep my chin up and my face straight, swallow my saliva, take a deep breath, and then force myself into ignoring this fact. That would be what I would have done, before.
But things have not been going normally, for quite a while now. In my head at least. I'm not just seeing things and feeling things as usual, but I have got the very deep sense to embrace them. Not fight them. In my head, I am wanting to break free from the clutches of my self imposed rule of empathy, of being good, of abiding the norms of society, and the rigidness of my so-called character.
Never had I been so strongly drawn to this side of my character as I am now. Waiting anxiously is the surface. My head actually went overdrive and thought of getting the person a gift. A parting momento, so that he may know where to look for me, in case I disappear. A personally crafted gift straight from my heart. Reasons, I dare not examine yet, but I strongly suspect, while I should have faith in the positive future, I must do what I can to help too.
This is really not me, isn't it? It's not frightening, but it's really troubling. Having this sense of thought that you are willing to get through anything, and know you are willing to do just about anything to get through them well. The sense of freedom, to carve your future path, as you want it, in your heart and soul. That life is about not having unnecessary boundaries imposed so that everyone else would be happy except you.
My character's changing, I think. I just think. I cannot really say I'm changing as I don't know how to honestly study, learn, analyse and compare the person I was with the person I am now. Maybe that's why I'm behaving out of character. Maybe, I'm just changing, evolving.
It's way out of norm. One year ago, or few months back, I would definitely not find myself in this state. I would know of the impending arrival, yet I will not condone my thoughts being channeled to this area. I would just blink, keep my chin up and my face straight, swallow my saliva, take a deep breath, and then force myself into ignoring this fact. That would be what I would have done, before.
But things have not been going normally, for quite a while now. In my head at least. I'm not just seeing things and feeling things as usual, but I have got the very deep sense to embrace them. Not fight them. In my head, I am wanting to break free from the clutches of my self imposed rule of empathy, of being good, of abiding the norms of society, and the rigidness of my so-called character.
Never had I been so strongly drawn to this side of my character as I am now. Waiting anxiously is the surface. My head actually went overdrive and thought of getting the person a gift. A parting momento, so that he may know where to look for me, in case I disappear. A personally crafted gift straight from my heart. Reasons, I dare not examine yet, but I strongly suspect, while I should have faith in the positive future, I must do what I can to help too.
This is really not me, isn't it? It's not frightening, but it's really troubling. Having this sense of thought that you are willing to get through anything, and know you are willing to do just about anything to get through them well. The sense of freedom, to carve your future path, as you want it, in your heart and soul. That life is about not having unnecessary boundaries imposed so that everyone else would be happy except you.
My character's changing, I think. I just think. I cannot really say I'm changing as I don't know how to honestly study, learn, analyse and compare the person I was with the person I am now. Maybe that's why I'm behaving out of character. Maybe, I'm just changing, evolving.
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