stalemate

Stalemate :
<< A situation in which no progress can be made or no advancement is possible; reached an impasse on the negotiations >>

What is it like being in a stalemate condition?
A morning ago, a friend described myself as being in this stalemate situation. I had a little trouble understanding what he meant. The vague meaning of the word, since I've always only associated it with a condition in chess games and seldom or never perhaps, applied it in reality; and furthermore, I was still reeling in the effects of massive dosages of alcohol in my system for the past 2 nights. Delay counting formula has never been more appropriate to be used on me then to describe the condition that I was in just now. This post was a day late in making and even so, my fingers are pressing keys a little too cautiously.
My brain function has not fully recovered, I believe. Words are creeping up, instead of sentence. I want to describe and argue and make sense of my situation but here I am, still rambling a little. This is perhaps the therapy to help me understand what this impasse situation is, examine it inside out, as best as I can. I need to analyze it before I could come up with the best of solutions. Offer myself chances of re-sharpening my thinking skills, of analyzing factors unbias, of selecting and understanding the concept of appropriateness, and most importantly, of the step of executing out.
Stalemate, this needs further looking into. This post does not justification, totally non-sequitor. I must be honest.

Chasing Cars

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?


- snow patrol -

end of today

In about less then 3 hours time, this day is going to end. I have a very strong inclination that I would still kept waiting. For that call. And for that, I'm really disappointed.
I know that I do not even have the slightest of right to feel disappointed. It was my calling, my chosen path to push him away. And this is the first blow that I have to face with.
There is no chance of calling him, just communication via texting. I had waited long enough, I guess, before making my move. Soon, the coming of the end of this day will signal the beginning of a new phase in my life. I'm on my own, as I had wanted.
This is his cruel joke on me, not keeping in touch, for he once mentioned, he wanted me to think of him. Putting me on my toes, wondering, he said, would make me think of him. That was his strategy then. Perhaps this is his strategy now.
I'm not sure anymore, I feel to not want to wait, to lose my faith in dreaming up our future. Such a big world out there waiting for me to explore. The end of today will signify another new beginning, for me.

role play

Life is about role-playing. Juggling the many roles that you hold, voluntarily or else, appropriate or otherwise. Today, I played the role of a good galpal. I bought things for my other half, to be given as presents, later this year. They were on sale, hence the wanting to be able to be nice, while not burning a hole in my already almost empty pocket. Interestingly, I felt more of responsibility rather than loving or caring. And the fact that I was aware of my feelings at that time, was even worse. I felt so detached when bought them. It was like buying a gift for a friend from a collection pooled together by a bunch of close friends. I was really sincere, but in a different way. I felt differently from the last time I bought something for him. The excitement, the predicted reaction, the imagined smile, all of those, were not present today. I am slightly afraid of this. Seems like this role is beginning to reduce me to an observer, not a participant. This is role is tiring and trying.

text

The air around me is pregnant with anticipation. At every few minutes passing, I'm peeking at the screen of my mobile, hoping there would be a message waiting to be read. It's a no brainer to do that, since today I had decided to be heard. Yet, I cannot help myself. I remembered feeling a wave of disappointed sweeping over me when a text message which I received earlier today was for some promotion from the provider, even though I had suspected it to be.

What kind of message am I expecting? Just a note from a friend, who coming home today, touching down sometime later, if not yet already. A friend, whose return I am deeply anticipating and waiting for.

It would be great if he could hear me now, from where ever he if he is already on land and text me. I'm too shy to text. It's traceable, anyhow. I'm a gonner, this time. You have me, hooked, but you don't know.

members' day is ON

I've just sat my butt down in front of my pc, posting again. Against all odds, I managed to not back out at the very last moment and joined the hundreds of shiny, happy people flocking one local retailer in our bid to not only help boost the economy, but feel better doing so, today. With reference to the previous post, the members' day is ON. Swinging hot!

It was easy to wake up, but harder to pull myself off the bed. Not comfort or laziness, but merely due to the silent battle going on in my head, still unconvinced that I should sacrifice my beauty sleep so that I may spend more money. In the end, curiosity got the better of me. Cleaning up, washing up, changing, and preparing my breakfast was done in a jiffy. Since it was still quite early before the supposed opening time, I played some scramble to get my brain working.

It was a wake up call, having to join the jam over at the other side of the main entry point to the garden at rush hour. The queue was just so long that I noticed I managed to listen to almost 7 songs. This is certainly an eye opener for me, for I've never been in this kind of jam, even when I was working before. Certainly, this needed to considered in my traveling arrangement for the new job. No other alternatives. Sigh.

Once passed the entry point, traffic was smooth all the way to the shopping center, taking barely more than five minutes. Guess, something must be done to ease the bottleneck at the entry point. I took my parking ticket and got a space easily, since it was so early in the morning. Inside, the rolling door has yet to be opened to the crowd of eager shoppers gathered in front, as if the door's going to magically open if they did. I didn't bother to, and headed straight to the ladies for a short respite. If my calculation was right, once I was done, the doors will be up. I was right.

My first stop was, without a doubt, to get my pair of jeans. There it was, together with it's clan, neatly piled up. I found the fit that I had eyed and proceeded off. The next stop was to find a bag, a target of a friend's. Took awhile and a little browsing around but I managed to find it. Tempted me to get one for myself as well but luckily, I have good self control. No bags, today.

The treat for myself was a pair of shoes. Quite a nice pair, I think, however, it would take the majority time to come to terms with it's quirkiness on me. It was flats in golden yellow shade with a ribbon tied in front. I liked it, since the other pair that I had aimed was not available in my size. Also, I needed a new pair of shoes for this new job. Since the first week was casual, this would most certainly help me. I know.

These three items in heart, I proceeded for the browsing game. By this time, the crowd in the ladies department had really ballooned. It was not easy to walk or browse. With my heart, you would be on your toes, hoping that you wouldn't be heckled for continuously bumping into people. But then again, today's a very special day where malaysians unite with one motive, to help boost the economy, jam-packed conditions and long queues not dampening spirited crowd.

I'm a giver of things, especially those discounted ones that I came across. Coming off the men's department, I got a pair of three-quarter shorts, a tee shirt, and a box of brief. No guess of course whose are those. The briefs were really requested to buy for, while the other two was on my own. Presents for christmas, or the new year, or end of this year, or for the new year. Whichever. My cheapskate yet generous self taking over. Maybe a little guilt as well.

Anyhow, all clothing shopping done, it was time to head towards the supermarket for some grocery checking. Ended up with nearly 100 ringgit worth of groceries, most of them not needed now, just bought because they were on sales. Sigh. However, most of those items are long lasting, so it's alright, I guess. Bought another treat for myself, peanut butter biscuits! An attempt to make me feel better for the spending that I had done. Too explosive.

In the end, I felt tired. I too find out that I'm not suited for this kind of shopping frenzy. Everyone was so competitive, as though afraid that those going up cheap which they had eyed will finish. Carts were streaming up and down the aisle, rarely any un-fulled ones. It was really amazing to see how much people can buy things, when the notion of sales and discounts were being used. Yours truly here wasn't spared either. Perhaps they, like me, really know the normal prices of those things that they bought, hence when offers like this comes up once in a while, it's really hard to resist. A ringgit or two saved today may go along way tomorrow, I guess.

One shortcoming was the lift, or the mobility of carts between floors and carparks. I guess that area should be looked into by the management. Innovating another retailer's ideas of having cart-friendly escalators would really help ease the waiting time for lifts. A convenient shopper normally would purchase more, in the long run. A small investment for a marginally bigger return, in long term.

Would I return to join this shopping frenzy in the future? Most probably but with conditions, I guess. Provided I am free to do it and not go alone, if my purchases needed a cart. Then again, with the money spent and the money saved might just get my indecisive self into an endless debate, missing the day itself.

kiasu-ism

I have had a planned hatched since yesterday, when I found out the a local chain-store is going to have their members' day tomorrow. In the spirit of kiasu-ism, I had made up my cluttered mind to be part of the kiasu masses, for the very first time, and join them in what is foreseen to be a very, very messy day.

I had found a very nice pair of jeans, a pair deemed fit enough that I may wear it to an (un)expected wedding dinner and not worry myself silly instead of over what dress to be worn. It's the ultimate lackadaisical me going to this wedding. Still, all girls don't want to embarrass herself, now. So, in trying to find something decent enough, I thought, Hell, this jeans would do it, and since it was on sale, why not. Just need to pair with a festive enough top and I'm sure I won't be the worst dress person there.

Now, I would have bought the jeans there and then, yesterday, if I had behaved in my usual conduct, which would have been choosing and trying out for the best fit and then purchasing it. Instead, I did something out of my norm, went over to the sales lady and asked her if it was on discount. That was the turning point.

The very helpful lady shared her wonderful knowledge and saved me from blowing another 20% worth of money from my fast drying up notes, if I am game enough to get it tomorrow. Else, she could only give me a discount of 50% off the printed price. I told her, then in that case, I will come back on thursday, which would be tomorrow and get it that the lowest offered price. How could I not, since the kind lady even asked me what size I wanted and how many I needed. God bless her. Sure hope she would be there with my pair saved tomorrow.

So, that's how I'm quite determined to make sure that come tomorrow, I will get my head off the pillow latest at the second snooze, instead of waiting for the hands of the alarm clock to show 9. I will join the many working people in the dreadful morning rush to work. However, unlike them, I would be heading towards to purchase my jeans. After all, every sen and ringgit saved now is worth it. This would also be a good training for me to savour in all about the rush hour jam over the other side of this overly populated housing area.

Those are my wonderful reasonings to hatch this plan. Ahoy! Another fallen angel to kiasu-ism!

writing, my therapy

I heart writing so much, nowadays. At every given opportunity, I will write. It's really helping me get off so much that's boiling in my chest of late. I fear to speculate what might happen if I don't write. The kettle might just boiled to explosion, I guess.

Anything goes down, bright and make sense or just ramblings. I don't really care. It's like my therapy session, where if you just cannot make sense of your feeling in best of words, most therapist will suggest alternatives methods, mostly commonly, drawing. Mine would be writing, describing as best and as accurate as I could possibly have, else just ramblings, like pulling off the sink plug, just to let the swirling words in my head be washed down from the clogged sink of my head.

Then relief sets in, bringing momentary respite. Great big heave, before the grey matter starts to fill up again.

Ignorance is bliss

My mind is moving fast, streaming ahead, spurting out random and not-so-random thoughts. These thoughts, well, some are just welcome while others are not-so welcome. They might leave a trail of destruction when put into motion. If and when they are put into motion.

It is really not so much concern of mine if the trail is confined within the faculties of myself, mind, body and soul, if I should have any left yet, I think instead, more of the collateral damage will result in this case.

Some one asked me to be brave, for just another one time. I would really like to but I want to be able to rationally weight all factors and consequences. My overworked imaginative mind does not show picture which I might be able to accept now. The destructions that I might caused paint not a pretty picture which I cannot bear to see, let alone be part of it.

Which of course, leads to be main idea of why I want to leave here, and not too late. Indeed, this is main of the reason, for this cowardly heart do not have the courage and strength to summon such cruelty and stand to see it, watch it unravel. Ignorance is bliss.

Evolving

I'm behaving totally out of character. At least, I think so. Here I am, anxiously waiting for the one call from the one person who should not call me. This is the person whom over the years, I have managed to keep in touch with, without jeopardizing our friendship. Our complex friendship.

It's way out of norm. One year ago, or few months back, I would definitely not find myself in this state. I would know of the impending arrival, yet I will not condone my thoughts being channeled to this area. I would just blink, keep my chin up and my face straight, swallow my saliva, take a deep breath, and then force myself into ignoring this fact. That would be what I would have done, before.

But things have not been going normally, for quite a while now. In my head at least. I'm not just seeing things and feeling things as usual, but I have got the very deep sense to embrace them. Not fight them. In my head, I am wanting to break free from the clutches of my self imposed rule of empathy, of being good, of abiding the norms of society, and the rigidness of my so-called character.

Never had I been so strongly drawn to this side of my character as I am now. Waiting anxiously is the surface. My head actually went overdrive and thought of getting the person a gift. A parting momento, so that he may know where to look for me, in case I disappear. A personally crafted gift straight from my heart. Reasons, I dare not examine yet, but I strongly suspect, while I should have faith in the positive future, I must do what I can to help too.

This is really not me, isn't it? It's not frightening, but it's really troubling. Having this sense of thought that you are willing to get through anything, and know you are willing to do just about anything to get through them well. The sense of freedom, to carve your future path, as you want it, in your heart and soul. That life is about not having unnecessary boundaries imposed so that everyone else would be happy except you.

My character's changing, I think. I just think. I cannot really say I'm changing as I don't know how to honestly study, learn, analyse and compare the person I was with the person I am now. Maybe that's why I'm behaving out of character. Maybe, I'm just changing, evolving.

{ E.s.c.a.p.E }

-} {-

(You can run, you can hide
But you can't escape my love)

Here's how it goes, you and me, up and down at this time
We'll get right, where to fight
Cause love is something you can't shake
When it breaks
All it takes is some trying

If you feel like leaving
I'm not gonna make you stay
Soon you'll be finding
You can run, you can hide
But you can't escape my love
You can run, you can hide
But you can't escape my love

So if you go
You should know
It's hard to just forget the past to pass
It was good, it was bad but it was real
And that's all you get in the end of the matter

Here's how it goes
All it takes is some trying
You can run, you can hide
But you can't escape my love

-} {-

affirmation madness

Momentary madness, I wonder if this is what I'm experiencing now. For days, there has only been one longing my mind. The longing to see someone dear to my heart. I had never known that I could feel so strongly about that person, but I know, now. It's scaring me.

With the knowledge that it would take a miracle to meet up, I had allowed myself to think, dream, see and miss that person. Separated by bodies of oceans made me feel it's safe to let my dreams and fantasies wonder, while living this life. I had not thought for once, perhaps, that he might harbour the same thoughts and wishes the same things. He did, and all hells may be broken loose.

His coming back here, although for a short while, has made me very disorientated. I know I cannot meet up with him, for the obvious reasons. Yet, the desire is so strong, I'm frighten with what the outcome of this visit might lead to. I had never known I could be so focus in wanting something so badly. I was so not in tuned with myself and my desires for so long, maybe.

Timing's not very perfect though. He is touching down days before I'm suppose to start a new job. The bulk of his holidays would be during my first days trying to fit in and adjust. I'm not sure but I really hope to see him. I hope even more that he hope that even stronger, to meet me. It's not good, yet it felt needed.

It's not a closure, but more of an affirmation of things. What are those things, I'm still not really clear of, but yet, that is what I strongly feel. Affirmation. This meeting, at least, would be one of affirmation.

But this is madness at its peak! An affirmation so unneeded, yet needed. I'm terribly afraid of the outcome of this meeting. Whichever way, hearts will be broken to let love will triumph. The question is, which?

a HUGE thank you, ALL

Good morning. I let today start unusually late for me, considering the fact that I'm not at home. I was just too comfortable to wake up, no guessing that. After all, waking up to blog, prep breakfast, hang around the house, or day dream doesn't need no one to wake up that early right? Yes, that's my life. Envy not because you are earning banknotes, while I'm wasting time.

Yesterday has been a good day for me. Really. I got a job, finally! After a few month of browsing and spamming a quite number of companies with my resumes, at last, one company finally decided to take the chance to put their faith in me. I will not let you down, yer'all. Work the bestest that I can! You won't regret taking your chances with me.

It's actually a very simple job, taking calls. My main job will be taking calls. My other jobs will be covering some general administration tasks. I will be doing it in a private school, which is about 15 minutes drive away, when the traffic's clear and I'm abiding by the speed limits. In a nutshell, I'm a receptionist. I'm happy, very.

Glad I was so much, when you know that, from the way the conversation is turning, you are really considered as part of the team already, even the offer had not been officially presented to you, verbally. I knew there and then, then whatever questions posed during the second interview, I had better think well to give the answer as best as I can.

I was really pleased to note here that the principal and the office manager both have very sweet and wonderfully helpful characters. Instead of soaking up my answer and judging silently my performance, they had actually let me know, how I could improve, or what I could have done instead, or how they like certain answers of mine. I couldn't have asked for more! Helpful people around me! They actually considered the fact that I didn't have any experience in this area. I'm so blessed!

Pat and Michelle, I think you guys will be able to excel in life, and make the school proud with your believes. I will run as efficiently as I possibly can, be as open as I possibly can, and hopefully, the system will be the strongest it has ever been! That's my personal target. I owe you guys for the believe placed in me, for taking risk with me.

Someone very wise once said, dream, and it will come to you. Again, I had put my belief and dreamt. Placing my many thanks ahead of me, to all that had supported me in obtaining this placement. Thank you so very much from the bottom of my heart. I owe you guys! Huge, huge thanks!
Now, I will continue to to dream, for more, for bigger!

of pining & having faith

Pining. That's what I might be doing, now, judging from my actions and reactions. Unconsciously, my mind is unable to let go of the fact that he has finally come to terms with my terms. As what I had asked, he will not wait any longer. Have faith, I had told him. I don't want to do it, because you want me to, but instead, I want to do it, because I want to do it, for me, and then for you. Have faith.

Yet, I am feeling a sense of emptiness inside of me. The idea that he had taken my word for it is leaving an empty feeling in me. I have not communicated to him since that day, but yet, I feel something in me is lost. The ice cold season is starting, this time unsure if spring will come.

Watching Kyle XY, perhaps what Declan said is true. Maybe Lori like the idea of him pining for her when they are not together any longer. She gets a little worked up when seeing him with another girl, a sign that he has moved on, or wants to move on. Maybe I'm like Lori at that moment.

Maybe in the remoteness of my mind, I had wished he would have gone against what I suggested to him, and be his stubborn self. Which meant keeping me in his mind, all the time. Missing me all the time. Love should not be about doing what's being asked, but what's you think might make your love happy and happier always.

I need to get adjusted to this fact, I guess. There won't be anymore pining coming from that guy, however I might remotely wish. It's unhealthy. I will need to adjust to accommodate this feeling of hollowness brewing in me, but I'll make it. In time. We both need to move on, seriously. I need to stop pining for him while he needs to stop waiting for me. We both need to move on while continue to have faith for what's the best for us.

I believe, faith will lead us to what we are looking for, our happiness. Each individual in this world has their own definition of happiness. We just need to know and not stop working towards achieving. Faith in being happy will lead to our happiness. Have faith and stop pining. Oh ya, not forgetting, courage.

Out of the kettle into the fire!

It's a case of out of the kettle into the fire!

That idiom occurred to me just now, perfectly describing the feelings that I was having just now. Getting a proposal from my palm was really sweet. I would really love to jump at it, yet I think I should not be too brash in taking up his offer. If I did and things don't turn out well for us, it's really bleak for me. I think that perhaps then I will loose all the faith in myself to secure a good and positive future for myself.

My palm is really the total opposite. He is brash, too emotional and also just too judgmental when it comes to me. He still has his head buried deep with overflowing love for me, and even, I suspect, has already laid out a future plan for us. That is if his dreams come true. He was the one who'd told me, dream and it will come true. I guess, he will be doing this, if he really wants it.

I am flattered and totally humbled to be admired and loved by someone, so deeply. In my wildest dreams, he is always the lead actor. In reality, he never is. Unless, of course, I take him up on his proposal. He even had considered all my preferences when handing out his preposition. How business-like!

Giving in into my likes and desires, it is a way to entice me? Is he sincere? I really wonder, sometimes. Yet, I know and believe, from the depth of my heart and with a woman's intuition, he is the one, for me. Like I said, though, his proposal had caused the idiom to leap unexpectedly into my mind. Out of the kettle into the fire!

Either way, I'm burnt. Toast. Or vapourized! In the kettle, I'll boiled to vapourization. In fire, I'll heated to vapourization as well. Lose-lose situation. If the reason remain the same, guys! Yet, honestly, I would love to take up that challenge! Threading the unknown jungle is exciting! I might not get out in a wholesome state, yet, maybe I might find paradise while trekking and not want to get out.

Doesn't matter now, water's just stuck in the kettle while the fire couldn't stay alive as the gas had run out. Which means, no case at all! Which means, no idiom!

| -} tryst {- |

i am very selfish :)
u can only miss me, can u?
i can if u can :) finger crossed, promise
sarcastic i am not, but i am selfish, i want to allow you to miss me only
recall the sweet memory, bcoz u need me
i'm your gps, i m your everything, always
can u belief me for 1 time? js 1 time
i know it's tough for you
alright, if i understand u, we are possible, but you do not want to have the balasan
i just need to you be brave for one time
we should move on
u shud leave here, then we'lll ve a chance
i know how u feel, i think u r bored
even becoz of that, u wont give me a chance
if u r suffocated, get out
when u get out, will u look for me
go wif me, i only want to see u

deliberate..?

Good morning.
Yes, it's kinda late to be giving out those wishes, I know.
I got up late, deliberately.
No, I wasn't pigging around, sleeping in until I hit the 12 hours sleep mark.
I merely lazed around with my comfortable blankets wrapped around me, just meet my minimum quota of 7 hours sleep.
You heard me no wrong, truly.
Reaching the 7 hours mark required to sleep in until about 11am.
It's abnormal, for me, I know.
The self-proclaimed morning person.
Then again, lately, many things have been very not normal nor routine abiding lately.
A good afternoon would have been more appropriate!

I so want me, now

Maybe, like Adam has his Eve, everyone of us has a mate. Someone made specially for him or her. Our challenge is to find that one person. Then perhaps the world will be a happier place. Peaceful, bliss, filled with love everywhere. No war, mentally, emotional and physically.
If the believe was the one person is out there, I have been told to draw my strength for one last time, to be brave to look for it, and even braver, to accept it, should I find it. A final push. Let go and take the blind leap of faith.
I'm very very apprehensive. The last major push I stupidly dared to take after being led to believe that I found that one, ended up in me getting burnt. The physical scars are gone, but the emotional ones lay hanging all around my head. Stupid because simply, as everyone knows, playing with fire will get you burns.
If my one is out there, I'm not really keen to find it. Present the one in front of me long enough, perhaps maybe I will believe it, one day. Telling me that you are the one and that you believe I'm your one, is really not helping.
My challenge now is push aside all, and reboot my life. I will take with me my memories and hopefully use them to me guiding lessons in life. Apart from that, I really wonder if I may reboot, all?
I so want me, now. You and him don't matter, really.

Go, March, Think, Dream..Forward!

Go,
Go,
Go,
Forward!

March,
March,
March,
Forward!

Think,
Think,
Think,
Forward!

Dream,
Dream,
Dream,
Forward!

Forward,
Forward,
Forward,
Go, March, Think, Dream!

i will you to come to life

i will you to come to life,
i want you to offer me that which is you are holding,
i will make you not regret your decision to let go,
i will see that you will nod in approval.

i will you to come to life,
fear not of me for i've come around,
place your faith in me for i will not let you down,
mirror your thoughts in me for i will absorb.

i will you to come to life,
give out for me to take,
hand out for me accept,
throw out for me to catch.

i will you to come to life,
think, think, think, if you must,
think only but how you want me,
think but how i serve you, best.

i will you to come to life,,
you are the iron cast waiting to be used,
i am the hot iron waiting to be molded.
see it, believe it, we but fit for each other!

rambling..nonsense

Some things require pondering over, really. One of them is, of course, proposals. Not just any sorts, but the sort that all girls wish for in their life, typically. Marriage proposals.

There is nothing much to ponder if you are a girl, proposed to, by your one and only prince charming, who had not only undoubtedly captured your heart, but also had manage the leash the hearts of your family. As he is the prince, therefore, of course, he would treat you like a princess, nothing less than that. His love will be reflected in every thing that he does, no matter how minuscule it might be to the lesser mortal. This proposal needs no pondering over. He is the one that would complete you as a person.

But then, what if you are now approaching a, say, crossroads? You have a prince, but he kinda lost his charm over you. Your heart often steers you towards the land of 'maybe, I should have..'. It's not so much as regrets but more to fantasizing, but with someone else. Ideally, you break loose totally, so as not to bring forth too much untruth and dishonest feelings in play. Since you garner not much courage yet, you carry on, having gotten use to this. What you should do then, if a proposal comes? I for one, would not accept it, yet. It would be hurtful, but then, since I cannot yet find the other courage, accepting would be an unwise step.

But if you get a proposal from one you those that you fantasize with, do you accept? Without a doubt, the proposer is real to you, and while the proposal might not be entirely proper, you were proposed to. Hmm.. deep in your heart, you feel like accepting, then hiding yourself from the universe that you in now. You know you are the betrayer and a whole trail of destruction will be brought upon if you nod in acceptance.

I'm rambling nonsense again, but really, I wish, someone could see this. Someone wise.

longing, missing, you, ME

我想要
still unsure,
searching endlessly,
for the sign,
I am longing.

我想念您
wishing, thinking,
memories lingering,
you cloud my mind,
I am missing you.

你快乐
happiness,
shared goal,
love unconditionally,
be happy, always.

我快乐
be blissfully happy,
take pleasure in life,
want happiness,
I will be happy, too.

Please then, choose me

Another round of subjecting myself to being sitting down, proper and prim, with my ears sticking out listening while my mouth restraint of the normalcy of shooting out questions, inappropriately. Again, of course, I cannot fathomed why, after so many times, I still feel myself getting jittery, nervous and my voice would end up with squeaking like pitch. This is not a very good sign.

It was a single she this time around. She was pleasant, very pleasant. She was introduced to me, her single lady title in front of the name that she shared with the US first-lady in waiting now, by one of her helpers, if I may call her that, with very sexy, long, fair legs.

She was nice enough to come after attending a farewell for one of her staff, her eyes still quite red. I said nice, because she didn't mind to show her emotion to me, or the likes of me. Since today is friday, I guess that's why she was quite dressed down, wearing even a ribbon hair band.

Her English was bloody fluent yet not slanged, which I greatly appreciates. I have trouble understanding locals speaking slanged English. She was slim, hair had been straighten and quite tall, standing almost my height, if not taller. She was commanding and professional, yet not overly doing. She let out a air of approachable while still stern in her ways. Not overly tidy, her office, yet not messy either. I wonder though, why is her office guarding the entrance. Very weird arrangement.

I feel she was a little like me, quite cautious in her explanation yet trying her best to give out the general description of her school. I hope she did that because she wanted me in, and that while she didn't want scare me with grim pictures of the daily tasks, she wanted to let me know, this is what you will be getting into, not something or somewhere you can relaxed and zone yourself out. I hope that was her intention.

Again, I need to work in remaining calm and compose in these kind of situations. It's very frustrating not being able to think straight and get those information that you want while you are there, not when you have left. Psyching up myself before is good work but importantly, I must be able to retain the calm and upbeat state throughout and not allow myself be taken over by nervousness.

Apart from the need to align our desires in giving and receiving of cash, respectively, others went fine. She said, she will have the sexylegged staff call me the next working day. Wish I didn't blabber on just now, but really, kindly disregard that. I do hope to hear from them, with a very very positive news. I've decided my mind, already. Thank you. I choose you. Please then, choose me. Thank you, once again.

Terribly humiliated

I'm recording probably the most embarrassing, most humiliating moment in life that could ever happen. I definitely do not want to ever repeat it, nor do i want to forget it either. It would be a lesson of poignant humility in humiliating myself, in public, to be learned and never, ever repeated.

I had had the urged to visit the ladies while watching a movie in the cinema. I had downed almost a full large paper cup of cold soft drink, something which I rarely do in aircon cinema hall. I managed to calm my nerves down, not wanting to miss any part of the action-packed movie. Once the credits started rolling, I got my permission from the usher and make my way to the ladies before exiting the cinema complex.

We, me and him, made our way there, with him going into the gents while I headed for the ladies. Well, as usual, I always picked the squat-ing cubicles rather than sitting ones. There were two of each and both the doors to the my preferred choice were closed. Being in there somehow activated the urged to let go, again. I was standing in front of the 2 closed doors, waiting as patiently as I could.

I could hear sounds coming from behind the closed door to my right. The lock indicator showed it red, meaning that it was occupied. My eyes automatically veered towards the door next to it, the one on my left. It showed green, although the door was closed. I swore that for about the twenty seconds that I was standing, leaning forward and straining my ears, I could hear no sound coming from it. I took a small step back to check if I could see any shadows beneath the door, through the gap. This had always never failed to reveal the truth. No shadow and no sound.

In my short lifetime of using public toilets or restrooms or washrooms or the ladies, albeit very not very often, I had had been in the situations where there were long queues of people in front of squat-ing cubicles with closed doors, waiting patiently for their turn to relief themselves. As most of cubicle occupants change, there would sometimes be one cubicle which the door would remain closed. Upon closer inspection, again, cautiously deploying the two tactics described above, would somehow reveal that there is, in fact, no one inside the cubicle. Today's would most likely be like one of those days.

With much caution still, I gently pushed the door a little. Normally, a lock door would, of course not budged and normally too, an occupied cubicle will somehow emitt a sound or noises at this stage. Yet, I still could not hear anything nor caught any glimpses of moving shadows against the white-tiled wall.

I was confident then, it was the one of those situation. I confidently pushed the door open, and got slapped in the face! Not literally, of course! Seeing a girl trying to stand herself, I couldn't had closed the door fast enough. I was so shocked that I could only cry out the word sorry over and over again. Stunned and shocked and mortified. Terribly humiliated. I think that was the most genuinely embarrassing moment of my life. I most certainly wished that I'm Hiro at that moment and can turn back time.

It didn't help that the occupant of the other cubicle came out while I was crying out my sorry-s. Lucky for me, she was not a friend of the poor, compromised girl, as she did her thing at the sink and left. I stood there, not wanting to go into the empty cubicle, instead waiting for the girl to come out. Finally, as she emerged, carrying her whole load of stuff, I stood aside, not wanting to get in her way.

Remember, all the while I still had not stopped saying how sorry I was for that mistake and continued to do so, when she emerged. She was a very sweet girl, sweet enough not to reprimand me, in any way. All her young self, I think she's barely eighteen tops, said she was okay, and went on to explain that she thought there was something wrong with the lock of that cubicle. I was still rattling, genuinely humiliated, on how I was sorry and I didn't mean it.

Once I was certain she would not kill me or take revenge on me, I headed for the same cubicle as hers. No wonder she said there was something wrong with the lock. It was latch actually, a replacement latch for the original broken lock of the door. It was shabbily put up though, unaligned, making it difficult to latch. I tried to push the door down a little, but it simply wouldn't budge. Not risking it, I went out and used the one.

I didn't realized how badly shocked I was until I began my release. It was slowly, devoid of any oomph, if I may described it. This was certainly not the usual condition for me. Furthermore, downing almost a cup of cold soft drink would certain filled my bladder to the brim, creating more pressure. I most certainly must had been shaken, if not stirred with all that. It was one of the longer releasing session I ever had in public.

I saw the girl still there, in front of the mirror, appearing to be arranging her many things. Again, I apologized. I can't help myself. I really, genuinely felt so guilty, embarrassed, humiliated beyond description. Again, she said it was alright. She looked alrite. I believed she was grappling the situation better than me. I am not sure what else I could do or should say, so I took my cue and left her there, still arranging her many things.

I really hope, she's really fine and okay with that, in a way. I had planted in my mind, between the two tactics above and before the final approach, that I should knock any cubicle door first, before attempting to push it open. It made me wonder now why didn't I do that yesterday.

feeling alive

I am currently reeling in the effects of caffeine in my body. It brings calming effect of sorts. I can feel myself emotionally stabilizing as the drug seeps into my blood stream, slowly. The trembling fingers are slowly lessening. This is the condition of an deprived addict recovering from the temporary the loss of control over her motors, after getting her daily shot of preferred substance.

I have long knew that I have an addiction problem. With coffee. I must have at least a cup in the morning before I start my day. Else, I will be groggy, my brain won't wake up and I will feel lethargic. By mid day, I will get a headache, will be awful to people, if I speak, and will feel as though I'm getting sick. I'll be the living dead.

Like all addicts, I will say that I can control this addiction. Like all addicts, I believe I can. But unlike most addicts, I have tried, successfully to cut down the intake of my coffee, daily. I need one cup per day, which is really much lesser than before. I used to drink almost 3-4 cups every working day, and 2 cups on off days.

I now most of the time consume only half cup of caffeine, to further lessen my dependence on it. Although I have not tried, I know I can quit, if I have too, but I choose not to, for now. I enjoy the smell and having that morning drink each day. It's my way of feeling alive, for another day.

I'm pleading!

I'm pleading!
I need my caffeine!
My brain is racing, so many thoughts!
I want to rein them down, here!
My fingers are trembling!
I feel my head swaying!
I need my caffeine!
Now, Please.
I'm pleading!

waiting, again..

Today, right now, I'm waiting, but for another thing, from another party.

This second thing is totally not connected to the first, in any way at all. I am now typing this while my bewildered self is waiting for the gas tank man to arrive. Late last night, the gas ran out as I was putting a kettle of water to boil on the stove. It was near to twelve, so naturally, replacing the empty tank could only be done today. I give the all important to the shop about two hours ago, the first call, and was promised that they would be able to make it within half an hour.

I made the second follow up call, after giving them 30 minutes more on top of their promised 30 minutes time frame. What did I get?
Why did you call only after now, an hour later? Our guys went to CONFUSEDLAND. Well, I did give you my address and contact number as asked by your receptionist when I called, didn't I? Oh, she must have got the details confused. We will arrange for our guys to come over again. What your address and contact number again? By the way, you are in no urgent need for the gas right? Thank you!

I usually not that patient, emotionally especially. I suspect, being devoid of my caffeine intake, this morning is the main reason, why I'm still sitting here, waiting patiently. My temperature has not skyrocketed yet in utter anger and disgust. The third call, after the 2nd hour had passed, only proved to me one thing, and one thing only, the attitudes of business people here in this country will mostly likely never change. We the consumers are always at the mercy of the medium sized chinese proprietors, who bosses most likely harps like there is no tomorrow on how they provide the best services in town!

I'm can feel that I'm slowly getting boiled up. A dose of the much needed caffeine would be good now. My nerves need to be calmed, my stomach is subtly increasing it's growls and my fingers are all over the keyboard, literally. My spelling ability is diminishing as I go on. I think this is the farthest I should go for now, lest this post turns up undecipherable this point forth.

Yet a thought strikes up in my head. Again, I'm being put to wait. I wonder why. Does my voice and action personifies, it's okay to let me wait? The common denominator in both accounts is, clearly, me.

Waiting. Waiting..

Hopefully, within these few minutes, there will be call to my mobile, indicating that someone's on the way here to pick me up for a movie screening in about less than an hour. That person is of course coming after work, after a farewell dinner gathering for a colleague of his. Due to that, I've no need to squeezed my creative juices to whip up a dinner meal today. Taking advantage of that too, I fast, this evening.

My feelings are tugged two ways, whilst myself sits, waiting. A part of me is telling me there's nothing much to this. He's a working person and hence, it's natural to be not early, to not yet arrive. Yet another part of me, could not help but feel very, very disappointed. Love is to be unconditionally given, yet I cannot help but measure and compare at each and every action he is taking.

To be able to just attend the farewell dinner today, with such short notice given, had set my mind working overdrive. A call to him earlier confirmed that he managed to finish work an hour and half ago, about an hour earlier than of late. He had been coming back late for the past week or so, indirectly meant taking dinner together at nearly nine each time. In other words, I too had my dinner a tad later that I would prefer on those occasions. Late dinners are the enemy of staying slim, aren't they?

My selfish-self cannot but compare all these to today. Coincidence, maybe but it's damning. My brain went overdrive, as usual. Furthermore, I had thought today would be a date day, since he had said, that he would leave all work today so that we would have dinner together and then off to enjoy the night watching a movie. Canceling on me doesn't seemed to bother him at all. In fact, it seemed so natural.

I am still waiting for the call. However, deep in my cursing heart, I have the inkling he would forget to make this call, and instead, would just show up here, with about half hour to go to the start of the movie. It's not women's intuition, merely a rational guess upon reading into his habits for so long.

I may sound very pessimistic and very ungrateful. That busy someone is but taking me out for a movie. Even so, I feel that I definitely deserve better treatment from that someone. I really wonder now, why am I hanging on to this branch of my life. I am still waiting. Waiting. Waiting...

he told me..

A long time ago, a boy told spilled his heart to me.
He told me we would be perfect together.
He told me he dreamt of me.
He told me he could not stop thinking of me.
He told me he wanted to be with me.

Not very long then, this boy woke up to reality.
He told me he could not forget about me.
He told me he wished for me.
He told me he admired me.
He told me he had wanted to be me.

Not too long ago, this boy met with reality.
He told me he could hold me tightly.
He told me he could make me inlove with him.
He told me he regretted not being decisive.
He told me he knows we would be perfect together.

This boy fled a reality for another reality.
He told me he still wants to date me.
He told me he still wants to hold me.
He told me he could not stop regretting.
He told me he waits me, still.

This boy tested reality. He asked me why have I not taken the vows, yet.

Another UNHEALTHY addiction

I've skipped writing here for a couple of days. Time I had plenty, ideas abundance but no discipline. Yes, once again, I allowed myself to be a victim of indiscipline. I had made kind of a pledge to try to post here each day as a way hon my writing skills. After all, practice makes perfect.

On the contrary, the last 2 days, I had slaved myself to a new game. Scramble. It's not a new game as in just released-new, but more to I found myself drawn to it. It started as an innocent re-try, as I saw many updates of the performances of the players of the game. I myself had started this game way back, about a few months ago, but it did not take off then. I was more into another word based game.

I was intrigued as why they chose to play this game instead of others, since I felt this game was certainly much tougher. But I couldn't resist and tried my hand at it again. Then, I was hooked. I played game after game after game, with the quest to improve my rankings. Slowly, as I got the hang of the game, my points did gather, pushing my ranking up appropriately. I'm now at the second tier, from the pool of about 10 playing friends.

If I used to wake up to reading the news online, for the past three mornings now I had started the day manipulating alphabet tiles to make as many words as I can, while sipping my daily dose of caffeine. Although it has just been for the last two days, I find that the time I spent doing this is increasing. It's unhealthy, I think, as I'm foregoing my reading pages to get more time so that I move up the ranks. Very unhealthy indeed. To the point, this coffee addict felt like though she contracted had pc-poisoning yesterday, as she felt herself getting slightly nauseas sitting in front of her screen, she just couldn't stop herself. Unhealthily pathetic.

I'm not sure if I'm the only one out there stricken with such disease. It's really difficult to give up this new addiction but today, I'm trying. It may be a little worrisome to hear that I was playing the game before posting this. Nonetheless, I'm a little happy, because I managed to pull myself away to have this site updated. A great achievement compared to yesterday and the day before's condition. Maybe bestowing the label addiction to this new game is exaggerating since it was just 2 days of maddening play. My hunch says that I'm not wrong though. Trying to pull away before this addiction worsens.

hopeless romantic

I had just finish watching Notting Hill, for the umpteenth time. It never fails to lift my spirit, this movie. Watching the smile of Julia Roberts and the funny Hugh Grant radiates a nice feeling in me. The facial expressions, the dialogues, the scenes, are simply wonderful. Especially the dialogues.
The writer(s?) managed to write such simple yet meaningful enough to convey the message of the movie. Unforgettable lines such like "Surreal but nice; Come and sit with me; I will feel the opposite, if that's alright with you; I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking her to love her; and my favourite, happiness isn't happiness without a violin-playing goat" makes the movie memorable, at least to me.
They managed to choose the most appropriate songs as the soundtrack as well, perfecting the movie.
Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic, but this movie is the one for me, reminding myself that there is one true love for each and everyone of us, and that we should not compromise on love.

escapism

A wise, young man posed me a question late last night, when I made known my desires to go abroad. He asked me to seriously consider the reason(s) of wanting to move.
He shared his thoughtful insights with me, given that he already took that step last year, albeit in a little rush. He said it was quite a sacrifice, leaving his job and family back here, including yours truly, upon having made his mind up to take up the offer. When reality has sunken in after the initial euphoria of living out and romanticizing your dream, it can be very a testing time for the soul.
I understand his concern. He knows that I've long been enticed with thought of going abroad. We had had this discussion before. He is concern that this a misguided reaction, churned out by the feelings desperation in seeking job satisfaction, again. A considerate young man, indeed.
Yet again, I've harbouring the thought to go abroad. I think this time, it's a serious thought. I might regret taking this step, yet I feel I will not hesitate to offer my gratitude. For finally, I've come to think of what I want to do, learn to make plans and execute them. I've been taking many a plunge of late, some were ones that I should have done long ago. I know many eyebrows were raised, distastefully nonetheless. Madness must be the forerunning word in those minds.
Plunge, because, apart from the strong, very strong desire to leave this lifestyle and transform it into my fond memories, I have not a very good reason to go abroad. I'm not really gaga over the thought of staying alone, yet it beckons more strongly than being in the state that I'm in now.
In the remote corner of my mind, lay this wicked thought of leaving all behind, to start anew. I feel trapped in this kind of living. All the familiarities are suffocating me, because I dared not make moves and take actions, my thoughts constantly chiding with every action that I want to take, constantly reminding myself to be responsible, to think of others, to be grateful, to be good.
A foreign environment could help you to be conscious of all your thoughts. Maybe it's simply a form escapism?

not good, bad then?

What makes a person, considered bad?

Most people I know tend to have a picture in their mind on what constitutes a good person. In most cases, a person is good when he or she is devoid of any intent to hurt people and try their level best to incorporate that in their daily lives. They speak not of any ill intent on others and gossip sparingly in their free time.

In my own admittance, I'm not a good person. The amount of gossiping that I've done can be rival that of the water content in this planet, if measured in cubic meters. I act solely to fulfill my many interests and very seldom do I think for the good of others. In short, I'm really individualistic. Since I'm not a good person, am I then a bad person?

I don't think. I am just trying to navigate my way through the crowded, winding rat races, battling hard not to slip, fall and get squashed!

A simple life

A simple life,
My wakes to sunshine,
Sea breeze and singing birds,
Not to darkness,
Noisy honks and swirling dirts.

A simple life,
I go for long walks,
Seagulls and waves accompanying,
Not mad dashes,
Reports and datelines compounding.

A simple life,
I write, read and teach,
Learn, laugh, marvel at life's simplicity,
Not shout, haggle and wrestle,
Jostle, wither, worry at life's complexity.

A simple life,
Never alone,
Abundance in hope and love,
Not crowded,
Scarcity in thought and gratitude.

Applaud the Courage

I applaud the courage portrayed by victims of rapes and/or molests. It takes great strength to summon the bravery to report and share their story. It is not an easy task, after being subjected to such unworldly and unimaginable act of abuse, both physically and mentally.

Reports on crimes of this nature are getting more often, lately. Although I've only started to notice for about a week or so, which a relatively short period of time, in between the feelings sickening disgust for the crimes committed, I feel glad for the victims.

The gladness does not translate to glad-happy, but more so towards, glad-appreciate. I really appreciate that victims did not stay silent, and chose instead to share and let known the sufferings that they went through. I imagine the myriad of emotions going through their minds, the pain, anger, embarrassment, confusion, hatred, reliving the those horrid moments, so that the perpetrator can be hunted down and the unassuming world outside beknowned of the existence of another such abhorrent act.

It is not easy to relate the moments when you were the most vulnerable, being preyed on, violated against your will, admitting that you were incapable of defend yourself. To be able to do just that, summoning your spirit and courage, when you are most vulnerable, is the greatest of all strength. You have taken your first step to exorcising the demon out.

of career tests

Being back in the hunting grounds for a job has put me into contacts with some interesting information. As what other job hunters would do, I would browse for hours on anything pertaining to job openings, writing resume tips, salary reports, interview conducts and presentation. You name it, I mostly am doing it. Among all those, I have to admit that I'm drawn also towards taking career tests. Perhaps, in trying to make a switch in career fields, after five years of slogging away in caves filled with nothing else but electronic products (of course, I'm exaggerating), I want to blow away as much as possible the cloud of insecurities that tend to engulf me.

Taking part in career tests is like a way to rationalize my decision. Maybe in the most remote part of my brain, I hope that I've not made another blunder. After all, being totally ignorant in this field in terms of practical skills and only having so shallow of exposure, I cannot help but wonder the sanity of my decision. Most people around me morally support it, seeing how upbeat I am with the prospect of being an educator. They never said I would be good in it, though. Hence, I'm always looking out for signs or tools or indicators that could somehow help me re-affirm my correctness in taking this step. That's the reason why I cannot refused taking part in free career tests.

For the uninitiated, career tests mostly intend to help you match the best career or jobscope to suit your personality. Typically, they come in questionnaires, getting you to reveal your habits, behavioral patterns, likes and dislikes, indulgence and sins. Some will have the respondants rate their answers from the most preferred to the least likely. Others will be somewhat be like a multiple choice questions, where you pick the answer most identifiable to you, from a list of scenarios given.

In my browsing today, I accidentally came across a career test based on the individual's colour preference. This is yet one of the more creative and zany methods of testing which I had stumbled upon so far. The best career or jobscope for you is determined by, as the name implied, your preferred choice of colour. Or, choices, would be a more accurate word, as there were a few stages to select from.

The test lay down it groundwork by having you pick the colour you most and least prefer to look at, from a range of colours given. Now, this by all means, doesn't mean that it's your favourite colour or the shade best on you. Instead, it simply wants you to make your decision based on the colours presented to you, there and then. For example, they provide three colour and you pick out the colours you most like and least like. Isn't that different?

This goes on for a few times, the colours palette ranging from primary to secondary to others (I couldn't recall). I got 3 colours to rank most of the time, but at times, you will be ask to rank from probably 6-9 colours. The final part was slightly different. Rather than choosing only the most and least preferred colour from a palatte of 12 colours, if I'm not mistaken, you had to rank all of them in the order of your most preferred colour to the least preferred one.

Once you have completed that, fill up the customary personal details section, your results will be tabulated and analyzed. The career report will then appear. Like all free career reports, only the partial report will given to you. For the whole lot of it, you have to purchase it. I didn't, as usual. Insightful or not. Then again, nothing is truly free in this materialistic world.

I'm, by the way, an organizer, according to the outcome of the report. Today, at least. Maybe I should try it again, another time and day, to see if the result is reproducible. Testing accuracy won't hurt, rite? After all, this hunter needs to make sure she's in hunting for the correct species second time around.

final reverie

"Appear!" she ordered, forcefully.
In her head, a picture of a deep hole had already been taking form. She had pictured the hole to be a couple meters away from where she was standing. It was about a meter in diameter but almost reaching 3 meters in depth. The 22 firm steps were being laid out evenly as a spiraling stairs to the bottom of the hole.
Magically, the hole appeared exactly as she pictured it, at precisely the location she wanted. There was a pile of sand sitting at the side of the hole, with a shovel stuck to in it. She gingerly thread over to her creation and peeked into its depth. The stairs, although made of nothing else but sand, went in circular manner, creating a firm way to base the hole. Amazing, she felt.
Her left hand keeping her veil in place, she took out her right hand from below the pockets of her long garment and scooped up a handful of sand from the pile. Slowly, she allowed the fine, white sand to run through her fingers, until nothing was left in her palm. The tiny grains fell back into obscurity, no protest whatsoever. So simply, she thought.
She looked around. There was no other lifeforms in her close proximity. Only she stood there alone, wrapped in multitudes of long, flowy garments. Her head was shielded from the scorching sun above with a veil. Only her small almond shaped eyes were visible from the outside. The wind was gentle today, providing just enough breeze to stir the sand of the surface into a gentle, swirling dance.
The richness of life. Her life. But there only one thing she must do now. The trade that she had made with the devil, offering her soul in exchange for total freedom of mind, albeit momentarily, had given her the lift in living out her dreams in ways that she could have wished for. It was worth her soul, to be able to live unconditionally for the first time in her life, in full happiness and compassion, rather than to wilt away, in days, months and years, forever reeling over the what ifs of life.
Standing at the edge of the hole, she still felt happily contented. Fear hath no control over her, now. All her uncertainties had been answered. She would not break her promise. She had been given what she asked, and now she would give what was asked of her.
Slowly and very carefully, she took a step down the sand made spiral stairs. As she made her way down, taking a step at time, she could feel small amounts of sand pouring over her head, coming down around her, like being under the waterfalls, with all the water falling down on you, but with a more soft, velvety feeling.
Beneath her feet, each step that she had taken, crumbled to into the hole. Not fluttering, she continued, until she reached the bottom. In a meditation-like pose, she sat and closed her eyes. She let the sounds of falling sand lull her to her final reverie, peacefully.

What a preposterous idea!

I saw a competition form last weekend. The winners would be presented with a token, if I'm not mistaken, which would allow them to redeem 4 tickets to a prestigious event. You can buy the tickets, but that would normally set you back a few hundred dollars. It is that pricey, unless you have trees growing money. Since I did not notice any age limit, I assumed that it is a competition opened to all members of the public, regardless of age. So, of course, being in this state of trying everything, I had thought, why not I give it a try. Furthermore, all I had to do was to share an original thought on the topic given in 20 words or less. That should not be of a problem. It would also be a way to measure my standard of writing, acceptable and interesting or plain boring.

As usual, although the mind is set, the heart got the better of things. One would assume, I would have grabbed that form immediately, and wasted no time to milk my brains to come up with the best ideas. But old habits die hard, sometimes. Instead, I took to telling myself, later, a while later and it would be done. Let her finish reading the whole paper first. After, it was kind of refreshing to to get to read the papers in hardcopy instead of scanning the e-news.

A while later became a few days later. Today. I had thought, couple days gone wouldn't give that much impact. The form is still there. My grand plan was to get the form, fill up the necessary details and prepare the tools needed to have it posted. Once all that has been prepared, the brainstorming session will take place, to complete the form. Looking through the piles of old newspapers, I found the form and immediately set out to execute the tasks as I had laid out.

I was filling up the form, when my eyes strayed to the rules and regulations of the contest. Blah..Blah..blah... this form has to reach blah..blah..blah..latest by 5.00pm (date in place) Wham! Isn't that tomorrow? Blink! Blink! I reread the sentence again, just to confirm that I was not dreaming. No, I read correctly the first time around. I looked up, searching the date of the paper. Less than 5 working days from the date the contest form was advertised to the closing date! What the heck?!

I can't believe it! Who would create to have a contest duration run for less than 5 working days in this country? It's just a preposterous idea! It really felt so insincere for the part of the organizer of the contest. This is the country where mails within the same state is not guaranteed to arrive within 24 hours or where parcels maybe pried opened and their insides stolen. There had been just so many incidents highlighted by the public but so little action taken, that it is just quite impossible that the organizers fail to note this. They can't be expecting all interested contestants to hand-carry their entries right to their doorstep now, eh?

I am disappointed. Chiefly at the organizers, for their (unintentional?) oversight. A little blame is has to be borne by myself as well, for giving in procrastination. Nothing much can be done. I left the form, not bothering to complete it. My original thought would have been "Don't just be generous when flashing megawatt-smiles, but make sure your eyes smile each time as well". I wouldn't know if it's good enough, now.

no loss but much to gain

Making the first move is liberating. Sometimes, you just need to ignore those little voices that spend so much energy talking you from taking first steps. Just slap them away, totally off from your mind. Or stop procrastinating, or thinking of waiting for others. Think, process, weight, then go do it, if it that is what you want. Especially if it is a harmless action.

I had waited to be looked up for. I had unconsciously imposed this silent rule of not looking for my primary schoolmates in this application FB, simply because I didn't that they matter that much in my life, now. We had drifted so far apart for so long, never bothered to keep in touch. That had started when we were in secondary school, itself.

Even though some of us still do meet a few times weekly, during after school tuition classes, we barely had anything in common to talk. At least, at that time, I didn't think that I had anything worth enough to say to them. This was surprising as we were all quite close during our primary days. They all still are, I believe, except for me, since I was the odd one that went to another secondary school. Not inclined to nurture those relationships then and with the weirdness of my teenage years, soon, we really barely spoke to each other.

So when FB surfaced, I was only a few clicks away to looking them up, once one of them got me into her orbit. She had most of them in her list of friends. All I had to do was take advantage of her diligence in looking up for old friends and look them up through her list. Yet, I waited. I had thought, they were of not much importance and I would not really remember them. I waited for them to look me up instead, to add me. Few did, most didn't.

I'm not sure what made me change my mind, but a couple days ago, I decided to add them, one by one, those that I can recall. Those that especially were part of my primary days and those who were in and out of my secondary days. They were, of course, part of the details in the mould that made me who I am today, much as I would like to forget, or fail to remember. I can't make up my mind which.

One by one, they accepted. No questions asked. Best part was, more invites came in, I hope. So far, one came. But then I had added quite a number of them. Only those who used nicknames and registered vaguely in my memory and refused to parade their faces, I chose to abstain sending my invitation. One (good) that turn out from this, is my twelve year old self is now officially in FB. I'm probably the subject of giggles and snickers for a while for my fellow friends who did get the wonderful opportunity to meet my younger self. Hoping that it would not last nor make lasting imprints in their minds.

We are now connected through that one photo, the group of primary friends. That one scandalous photo. That one that evoked so much shocked from all of us, but with fondest. Making the first move had been a very good idea. Very liberating, for me. To be free of a foolish rule impounded by the inane subconscious of my mind. I had just now only advised a fellow friend to do the same, if she wants to have them in her list, as well. No loss, but much to gain.

burst in embarrassment

In the most blur of state, I made a call to someone, when in fact, I had wanted to contact another person! How utterly confused can one be than that? I didn't even realized it until the voice that the other side spoke. When a guy's voice was heard at the other side, I was shocked, totally shocked. It made me looked at the screen. Seeing the number and the dialed person ID only confirmed my blurriness and silliness. I had but wanted to date a girl friend.

In a way, I was lucky since the voice belonged to a male friend, while the person I had intended to call was a girl friend. Shocked as I was, the difference were way too contrasting to enable me to notice right away, and hence, allowed me squirmed my way through the unexpected call. Of course, I employed courtesy, sweetly just striking up a short chatter, and got myself off the red. Fortunately, only I was the sole witness to my embarrassing moment.

I can't imagine what would have happened if the person that I had wanted to call and the person that I did call to, were both of same gender. Worse would be if both people that I seldom spoke to through the phone, hence making me a tad unfamiliar with the voice. The very worst case would when both of them know each other. Imagine, being told, 'jsb izit? this is xxx la, not zzz..you got the wrong person la..'. Major embarrassment!

Funnily, this embarrassing incident which occurred just now, was the first for me. Before, this kind of this did happen, once, if I'm mistaken. Same story, dialing without seeing the number that I dialed. Then, getting shocked when hearing the voice on the other side to not belong to the person I had wanted to speak to. I'd really didn't expect that I would do it again. Kind of made me look very foolish, not able to learn from experiences. So, I must really try not to have a relapse in concentration when trying to call someone. If a third time occurs, then really I think that I should just wish myself to burst in embarrassment, however painful it might be.

OMG! OLD class photo surfaced!

An old class photo with me in it had surfaced in none other than in FB! OMG! I just can't believe that this happened! The guy who did must have had too much time on his hands, so willingly sacrificing his football time or formula1 time to go through his treasures from yesteryear.

I wondered how long he took to rummage through his things and possession to re-take these photos. Yes, he put up quite a number of his old class photos. (Un?)Luckily, I was only classmates with him for a year, during my twelve year in the world, the sixth year of national educational system. The quality of those pictures were not that bad, hence making me suspect that he re-took those photos with digital camera, instead of scanning them. Then again, maybe he had always had them nicely placed in a designated photo album, which would explain how willingly he did this.

My copy of that photo is probably somewhere around the house. Never once took to looking for it or other old class photos. I have the time but not the interest to dig out and spread my goody-two-shoes face to the world. Maybe I should thank that guy for doing it for all of us, saving us the time and giving something to reflect upon, today and the few days to come. Perhaps, I can add more to his collections! Hah!

I'm sure that I'm not the only one shocked with his actions but laughing at photos. Those who shared the same secondary school class with him, must have better laughs, as more photos during their time then were posted. Everyone look so innocent and young and freshed-faced and so-so small. So untainted. So disciplined, really, standing tidily in rows, eye squinting from the sunlight, effectively disabling our ability flash cute smiles. So full of potential, waiting to be discovered.

Seeing yourself so young, evoked a mix feeling in me. Probably, if you had the chance to speak to me then or know me, I'm pretty sure that you wouldn't think that this girl would one day resort to blogging to stay sane and occupied, while looking for another job, after quiting her last job. Yes, I but was probably expected to excel and do well, what ever that meant. I was a good student, if not one of those excellent ones. I deeply wonder now when and why did I start to slip and tumble.

Class photos. I missed those yearly events. The good old days. The tall ones behind, the not-so-tall ones, in front. The cutes one get to sit. No funny faces, no V signs, no horns at the back of the heads. We just stood there and looked at the camera and tried our best to have a decent expression. Funnily, I used to dread those moments as never did like my photos to be taken. I'm happy now that our school had those sessions.

I'm grateful he did what he did, with his free time, after the initial shock has subsided. A lesson to remember now, if ever I become a class teacher, is to smile as sweet as I can to the camera during class photo sessions. Scandalous, but nevertheless, a warm thank you very so much from me.

Need-less in this Hunt

You must not be desperate when looking for a job. You might need money to survive, but definitely, you do not need the job. So when in an interview, just remember that. I read this somewhere, last night. It's wasn't my first time coming across this thinking, but it was refreshing.

You are not desperate for that one job. So do not go into the interview with an air of neediness. You must remember that there are still plenty of jobs out there if you do not get this one. They, the company, need to get the vacancy filled, but you do not need to get that job. Go in there, with your head strut high, full of confidence, and believe. Yes, believe that you, of course, are able to handle that job.

Your aim is to make them understand that you are the right person for that spot. Then, once that is done, do not rest on your laurels, but get to know how you can fit into their corporation, adapt to their work culture and accept their working habits, and understand their structures and system. The benefits will come will match you, if the company's ways match you. This is most definitely the case, as by then, it would be obvious that you both are singing the same tune.

I blew a job interview, just earlier last month. It was my only interview. As sad as it was, I learned, coming off reading last night, that perhaps I was not in the best frame of mind. Doing a little quickie of a post mortem, I think I had let to put myself in a needy frame of mind, not asking the right questions and worse, not answering the questions posed honestly. I answered them in a way that I thought the interviewees would like to hear. I left them to hire me, not me choosing them.

Doing that did not help me at all because throughout the interview, I believed that I emitted a aura of unbelievability saying what I said. I was grinning alot, with my mouth. Not smiling, with my eyes. Looking back, remembering what I said, how I said them, it was totally a dishonest crap. Even I saw through my sloppily-veiled bluff. I guess, what made it worse was I could speak fluently, making it sound even more cheesy.

I had thought I need that job, or needed to be in a job, get back to be part of the mainstream. Perhaps, I was letting the perceptions of others or what I thought others had of me, get into the better of my judgment. It was my mistake, but a lesson well-learned, hopefully.

Getting a job would be good now. I have no concrete plans yet. However, the neediness feeling is gone, the pressures off. I'm no longer in the state similiar to that of a pressure cooker. It doesn't matter what others say or do or comment. I'll get the job that I'm looking for, bringing me heading towards my dream. I wish, gratefully.

Till then, I'll continue honing my writing skills and reading as much as I can, and dabble into a little art and learn more about the technicalities of photography and try as best as I can to resist abusing linguistics.

No talent, so PRACTISE, PRACTISE, & PRACTISE

It is not really hard to find things to write. If you are a good observer, most things are interesting in their own way. Then, if you are a good observer and gifted writer, you would be able to turn your observations into most interesting pieces of writings. It's a talent, actually.

For normal folks like me, of course, devoid of both, I can only fall back to the centuries-old advice, PRACTISE, PRACTISE, PRACTISE! Nothing much else that I can do, except stick to this tried and true formula religiously. Practise observing all that is happening around me and then practise bringing them to life, interestingly to life, in writing.

A good observer observes with a keen eye, an unbiased judgment and take note of everything. Each detail is absorb and remembered just as it was and not distorted. Every action is noted with an open mind, every word is listened attentively. To be aware of what is happening around you.
It's a good way to train up this skill daily.

Practise by setting aside, perhaps half an hour would be a good start, of your time to just observe your surroundings. It doesn't matter what going on around you, just observe, open your mind, and if you need, participate, but be aware of your thoughts and your actions, as well. Then, replay that moment in your mind, taking care to make sure all details were not loss, or forgotten.

Of course, the first few times will see you leaving quite a number of details, big or small, out. It's okay. Don't fret. Unless you are blessed with a photographic memory, it's a normal. Slowly then, increase the duration and in no time, remembering a day's happenings will be part of your nature. It's all but takes practise.

What else then but to put this memory to writing. You have so much ingredients now, that it's so wasteful not to put it down, to record it. It's not difficult to write. Anyone can write, seriously. It's a matter of practise, too. Having mastered the skill of observation, you have conquered one important aspect to writing already. Rejoice.

Write, write daily, once, twice, thrice, as much as you can. Whenever you can. Have an audience, one is enough, more will be better. They will provide the feedback that you need. They too, will spur you to write more and carry on writing. I know that for a fact. If you have to, then be your own audience. Be unbiased. Learn and improve. Write everything you have seen, daily. In no time, you will be dreaming of writing your own novel, trust me.

Do not of course, be burdened to write. Always, take a break when you feel bogged down, pressured. Stress is really not a long term push to producing good writings. If one day you feel empty and the words aren't stringing together comprehensibly, then stop, for a moment. Eat something, drink something, observe something, just do something to make you relax. It's okay.

I'm really no good in this, writing and persuading. I can feel, but doesn't matter. No talent, so practise, practise and more PRACTISE.

Dear Mr Transport Minister of MY Country,

Good day.
Today, I would like to remind you/your team again how the inefficiency of your team in administrating their jobs and carrying out their responsibilities is costing much unpleasant experiences to me, the consumer. I had wanted to go back to my hometown today, a Saturday, and knowing how popular my hometown is with tourists, local and international alike, I took the trouble to purchase my ticket earlier.

The first great distress on my part, was learning that after about 2 weeks past of the one month period given to express bus companies to impose a fuel surcharge fee at the negotiated percentage, we, the consumers, are still being burdened with this surcharge. I had not expected this as I thought, you and your team had given this situation its necessary and due commitment to make sure it is strictly adhered to. After all, I'm not the first to complaint about this problem.

Why not create a task force to check and make sure all public transport company abide by this ruling strictly. Apart from going on trips to get the landing rights in other countries, do check the transport condition and regulations in our countries is in good condition. Each ringgit is very precious to us consumers. Without a stern directive and audits from the authorities, I believe these companies will not voluntarily returned to the original price. After all, why should they since they will not be reprimanded anyway for not doing so.

Wait, there's more. I had purposely decided to purchase the ticket after confirming with the ticketeer, from an authorized outlet, that I could get a single seat. I pointed the out the seat I wanted, confirmed it with the ticketeer and paid, fee and surcharge both. As a lady, it's my priority when I have to take the express bus to get a single seat when traveling alone. After all, better safe than sorry, they say, I believe.

When I got to the bus this morning, mind you, how surprised I was to see that there aren't any single seats! All were double seats, and worse, the driver had simply asked me to sit in any available seat! The seats at lower deck were all taken. At the upper deck, only a seat at the end row of the bus was still empty. What I am to do, I have to go back today. So, gingerly, I made my way there, and squeezed myself between two strangers. I was lucky because they were decent people. Probably they too, like me, was caught off-guard with in this situation.

I really think you and your team should do something about these irregularities. The surcharge still being imposed way after the allowed period and the way how bus company give us consumers the run-around, just to entice us unsuspecting passengers to purchase their tickets. They should keep to their word of advertisement.

I do hope that this letter will not be stuff away, somewhere at the back of the filing cabinets. Or pushed back to make way for the many other more 'important' emails send out to you. Please show the rakyat, the consumers, you take your job seriously, and are committed to enforcing your regulations.

Thank you in advance!

Yours truly,
jsb
A CITIZEN, A CONSUMER, A LADY