What happened?

What happened? I was asked that question last night, as I got into bed, arranging my 3 layers of blankets, him helping. Once done, he laid beside me, that question the first one out from his mouth. My head was buried almost completely under the multiple layers, my source of warmers. I couldn't see him, nor answer him, proper. I did offer him, though, a mumbling, nothing.

He laid there, for a little while more, perhaps, no longer than 3 minutes, his face looking at me, while I tried my best to ignore it. I failed. His looking was making me really uncomfortable. People staring down at me really makes me feel uncomfortable. It's something that I need to work on.

After a while, turn around, facing the other way. He stayed there in his position for while, before leaving, heading straight to his pc. I made no attempt to talk to him, nor communication with him. How sad, I feel.

At that point, so many thoughts were rushing in my head. Was that the right moment to let him, my intentions? To share my plans of my future, which sadly, doesn't not include him? How would he take it? Would he be shocked? Would he just stare back at me, blank? Would he kick me out, there and then? A thousand and one questions and statements ran through my mind. Only one was not questioned, he would be hurt, very deeply.

Yet, I feel that, it's better for me to be the bad witch, hurting him now, then living a very responsible life without any love for him. While actions may define the love we feel, I feel that I cannot continue to show, to shower my love to him. It has become so fake, to me. This is but not the life I had wanted. Seeing it now, I should get serious about my life and take a steering lead, instead of always just hoping along.

These few weeks would be intense. I can sense it. I must take all the deep breath that I can, summon out all the demons in my head and get courages. Hope and strength has never been more needed than now. What a christmas present, spirit, and holiday!

Forget the world, remember me.

outfits need to grow

Testing outfits for work! I should have experienced this long ago, throughout my five year or so being employed. That way, by now, I would have been an old pro, have tons, or a variety of working clothes to choose from. Instead, here I am this morning, unsure of the outfit that I would like to be seen in, later today in school.

It's rather difficult for me to create a professional look for myself. For now, perhaps. All my working life, it has always been uniforms, or casual look, meaning that jeans are allowed. Whereby looking professional, while it is welcomed with open arms, it is also normal to wear casually to work. After all, working in a manufacturing environment, the most important thing is feeling comfortable when working. Clothes that wouldn't hamper your movements, should you need to evacuate in a jiffy. I shunned skirts as they were always deemed to be a hassle when you have to do un-predicable work of perhaps, moving pc, wiring, etc.

Formal meetings at managerial level or figures of authority may encourage the members to don more business like suits and attires, but since I was never up till that stage, formal meetings, where image and professionalism were of importance, has always found me in formal attires. In others words, pants and formal shirts. The furthest I would go is to apply some lipstick, which would constitute my whole make up pallete. I'm that simple, and pathetic.

Being five years in the business of working hasn't really helped me in this aspect. I need look for more sources and inspirations to create an at least semi-professional look, not semi casual look. Since the start of this week, when casual wear is longer an option, I've been slowly but surely exhausting my formal wear collection, which is by the way, really countable within a minute!

That said, I should be getting myself more, especially jackets and coats, tidy little ones would be fine. Also, I've made up my mind to wear formal today. I'll keep my coat and skirts for the next time. Perhaps next week, when the working days are just 2 out of the whole workweek! Yes, but the lipstick will be applied. Morning cheers everyone.

Life's unfair

Interestingly, the unfairness of life is what makes life, life. Daily, it is so common to come across the phrase, life's unfair, either in jest, in hard emotional situations, in happiness, in anger. People seemed to like using this phrase alot.

I was reminded of this phrase again, yesterday. For the past 2 days, I was engaged in the in-house training, or so called workshop. One of the speakers were the place's consultant, a mschun. I shall not name her here, though. Anyhow, she's a great speaker and motivator.

It was her that used this phrase in one of sections. I had not of the habit to use it, hence hearing it again, make me think. My head was spinning, listening to her, while also processing my memories.

Life's unfair, but it is perhaps the things that you deemed unfair that makes it fair. You get some, therefore, without a doubt you have to give some. You want more money, you have to work. You want more time, you have reduce work. You want to be heard, you have to talk. You want to listen, you have to stop talking to give others a chance to be heard. You want big head, you have to die, or try to undergo impossible surgery. You want to move out, you cannot stay here, comfortable as you are.

So life's unfairness. Maybe. But like I said, maybe we all should not emphasis on the UN-but instead the fairness. It's the balance, the yin and yang of this world. Life's unfairness is the FAIRNESS of life. It has to be, there's no other way.

noticing

It doesn't feel right not sharing my little evil plan with my other half. Yet, I feel it's for the best. Moving out from where you are staying together doesn't really give a very positive direction on where the relationship is heading towards. He would not be able to take it unselfishly, and I won't be able to tell it well.

I've thought about letting him know that I have the intentions to stay on my own, once I get another job. He had been a little hurt, if that's the word to use, and had asked for the reason. For after all, after staying here for almost a year and half together, what reason could I give? If I had wanted to move out, perhaps earlier I should had done so. Why now?

I could only muster saying that I crave for more privacy and my personal space. And I feel tired staying here, being 'mother' -like to him and the 'maid' -like to this place. I am uncertain if he took that seriously but he didn't really say nothing after that. Perhaps my un-seriousness in saying those to him, didn't make him think that I would actually do it.

He has but started asking what I'm doing of late. I've managed to avoid answering some, while mentioned those norms. I don't want to say too much. He, I believe has started to see, to note, to notice. I will tell, if he asked, straightforwardly. I dread that day to deal the cruel blow to the person who loves me deeply. But that it should be done, soonest. A tired mind grows a weary heart.

Time heals all, the sooner you get burnt, the faster you can start healing and start living. Me the most. All things are falling into place, almost all, one by one, at a time. How I dream them. We should live only with those we share the same dream. Else, we should live happily, one with the world.

selfish solution

I must take a stand, rigid stand. A decision, now, on something. This is a new situation for me, in a way. I've given it much thought before this, had somehow came up with perhaps the better solution for now, and had kinda made up my mind to do it, when the time seemed right. And I think yesterday signalled that time's up, and the right time to start doing has arrived.

Each situation has a different approach to finding a solution. From today onwards, I have decided to take a proactive role to reduce and cut down my active communication with a friend. I adore him dearly, but I guess that's how it should me. As a friend, I do hope he would understand. He must.

It was really a touching moment after we parted during our meeting. We haven't met for quite a while. Always there were reasons to uptake for not being able to make it, to meet. But meeting, the friendship that was there, rekindled, as though the time apart in between was nonexistent. It was not very surprising though, as we had always enjoyed talking to each other.

Of course then, it was hard for me to let go, once he had gone back. I love chatting with him, and end up missing the short time we spent together. So, instead, chat engines, messages, phone calls, emails, you name it, were used to keep in touch. We just shared, ideas, thoughts, daily happenings, thinking, gossips, for a while now.

Much as I adore doing so, I must stick to my gameplan. He must not be in my life, existing actively to be part of my world, now. Cutting off on the virtual communication is the way to cut off this friendship. May it still be able to survive this cruel penalty I've decided to uptake, just as it had before. It should survive time, if nothing changes. This is my solution for this situation. My selfish solution.

Again...?

It's a very cold morning. Again, after yesterday, I've been waking up quite early. The new job does require me to go earlier to work, but surely I bet, others do not wake up as early as I do. I'm not complaining though. The serenity of still, cooling morning, I almost forget how they were, and how I love them so much. The eerie calmness that they exudes to help unclutter my disorganize thinking.

Again, I had taken a bow off the day a little early. The exhaustion of being in training and then finishing up the daily task of doing balancing sheets might had been the probable cause. But I guess, running off for an appointment right after I got back was also one more reason why I was tired.

Again, my friend and I, we took to apartment viewing last evening. The area was okay, density not too high over there itself. However, the road there was not too much of my liking. A little haphazard, in my opinions, with vehicles parked on both sides of the 2 lane, one way road, reducing it enough for a lorry to pass by comfortably. The apartment area itself was not too bad. The environment was serene and nice, giving the out the feeling of calm.

We both managed to view 3 units, all identical, well, almost. The first was the best, though. Unit was not too basic, the kitchen cabinets already installed. Too bad, it had been snapped up a lady, for her personal dwelling. Also, it was on the 4th floor, the highest one. The next 2 units were really identical, aside from being located on different floors. The unit on the ground floor, was not bad, looked clean and new. We were hesitant though, as it was on the ground floor. The last unit was again on the top most floor. We actually called in when the current tenants were having their dinner. I felt a little embarrassed, but the agent was not, and the tenants were okay with it. The unit had a little visible leak, making it difficult for us to really consider it seriously.

Again, spirits high, we left. Went off to take dinner, which was a good decision, because we holed out a stall selling steaming hot nasi for nasi lemak, with freshly fried chicken. The price was really reasonable. I decided to have that and also tapau for Him. Even after being packed almost for 2 hours, the taste was still alright. I guess I most likely would be going back there again.

So once again, a few pages of reading completed the day. I didn't think that I managed to finished even ten pages last night. Sigh. Let's see how today goes. Good luck!

hanging pants

A new discovery, or oversight, maybe. Whichever way you want to view it. Today, I'm supposed to start wearing formal to work. The last 2 weeks, which was incidentally the first 2 weeks on my new job, I got away wearing casual smart as the office was under renovation. Not anymore. The major hacking, ripping, clearing, painting, cutting, wiring, carpeting, tidying and all has been done. It's now left with the arranging, tidying, labeling and getting used to it.

So, wanting to look nice and all, I decided to wear a formal pants, which I had purposely ironed last night. The last time I had worn it was when I was last working. That was about half a year ago. I really didn't think much and had it on. Which was when I noticed it. It was loosed. A little to lose that's I think having it on, made the pants looked huge. A totally unexpected discovery. Since I'm still lacking with a full length mirror, I didn't want to take the chances, and decided another pants would be better. So I changed. The smaller pants were a little big, but definitely fitted better than the former.

I have been told, of late, that I've grown thinner. Yes, weighing myself, I do see a drop in the weighing scale, but very slight. A pound or two. Seeing myself, though, I didn't notice any significant change in my body size. I am still the same, and look the same. It was, of course then, quite a surprise to find out that my pants were a little hanging on my waist now. It was one of those safe pairs, where you can wear and nothing much go wrong, in term of fitting and colour. It was a pair of long, black pants, after all.

I will have to try on my others pants later today, after being home from work. It's better to know how they are well in advance. At least I can make necessary arrangements, and adjustments. The thought of needing to get an entirely new wardrobe scares me. It's a very expensive investment, one which I cannot afford to do now. Seriously unable to. Furthermore, I'm still uncertain if this is just a lucky break, my being thinner now. How long can it last, will it last that it would needs a new wardrobe? That I cannot be sure of. I shall wait.

While most girls rejoice in the thought of being able to find reasons to shop, I am dreading the moment. One, as mentioned, financially, that would be a very difficult endeavour. Secondly, and most importantly, I'm not very good in shopping. I get what I need, and most need. If I already have, then it's even more difficult to get something else, for the sake of variety. I should be flexible in this. But worry not, I'm adjusting, albeit, slowly. I don't want to get burn.

my first time

There is a first time for everyone. Normally though, the first experience would come at a much earlier age. Mine was today, a little late being that I'm approaching the big three O very soon. My very first house viewing experience. Yeah, I'm dead serious in moving out from where I'm staying now and living out on my own.

Luckily, my first viewing was accompanied with my good dear friend. She is not a pro in this, yet she seasoned enough to ask and to understand what was being said and needed to be explained by the house agent. I certainly am lucky to have such a great supporter like her. Thank you, so very much.

The place itself is actually not a house, but an apartment. The unit isn't that big, yet I think the space is big enough for the two of us to stay comfortably. There are three rooms in the unit, of which one is a master room with an attached bathroom. The other remaining two rooms were not big but perhaps just nice in size for a single person to have her privacy. There is a common bathroom outside.

Kitchen was very bare, with just the sink provided. In fact, the whole unit is quite bare. Apart from power points and 2 ceiling fans provided, one each in the living room and master room respectively, there is nothing else provided. Bare minimum. The laundry area is at the back of the kitchen. Bare as it is, the condition of the unit, is quite good and surprisingly clean. However, I still think the asking rental is a little high, at least for the two of us. The agent has, however, said, the owner is set that the quoted price is un-negotiable.

I quite like the environment of the apartment. I could feel the quietness and serenity on a sunday afternoon. There weren't too much noise made, nor heard. If I was not mistaken, there are about 5 blocks in that area, all built on the hillside. There a little pool, big enough for you to swim a few laps for to relax and also a little playground for the children. Nothing fancy. It's really a promising place, stop short of the rental.

The agent was also a nice person. It was a she, middle-aged, and had decided to wear a blazing red shirt today. She looked decent and professional enough to know what's going on in her field. Too bad, she isn't the owner. Would be great to be able to deal straight with the owner though. Perhaps, we might just be able to get a little discount.

Anyhow, I'm not losing hope. If there are no better options, both in terms of price and environment, then I guess I do have to burnt a little more that I had budgeted. I guess, this is life, on your own, by yourself. You decide and make do with the best after choosing your decision. Good luck, gal!

move out ..?

I'm in the midst of making one of the toughest decision in my life. This is something that will change my projected future, no doubt. I want to move out. I want to stay on my own. I want to stay not together with my other half.

I had really pondered this for quite a while. Maybe I'm prejudiced in my views, not taking care what the other half might want or giving him time and opportunity to state his case, but I believe here, that the decision to do just such has nothing to do with him.

On the contrary, it has everything to do with me. I feel that the longer I were to be there, to stay there, the worse I would turn into. Everything would be consciously detached from me, nothing will be looked at with fondness anymore, including my other half. The state of my mind is really quite set now. If all is according to plan, later, with another friend, we will be off to some house/apartment hunting.

Of course, tons of things get implicated with this impending move. The fact that we were as long as we are now, and throw in the factor that we stayed for almost a year and half together, this step will surely raised eyebrows of many. Anxious, I am yet, a part of me just doesn't give a damn. Cold-hearted and cruel, b*itch, ungrateful, whatever, throw all your labels to me, I will catch them in good faith but just throw them for you in the appropriate place, the garbage bin.

The obvious implications need not be said here. It is so transparent that even a blind man can guess it, as soon as he smells it. I might regret taking this step, yet, I feel, not taking it, I might regret too. Hence, when two heads' not syncing anymore at all, 0% totally, it's only fair not to drag, to push, to force.

This is not behind your back plot. Hints had been said, although in a jest, but had been said. If he gets shocked, I am truly sorry. I don't feel oblige to inform, prior. Simply, because I don't want to do anymore explanation that I should. Heartless, I try not to be. Understand that please, from the deepest of your heart. If you really love me.

I want to move out, and give myself room to grow, positively. May God bless me, with the bestest and happiest of life's grace.

great minds

First it was the similarity in the red shade, then it was the yellow, and the finally, the black tone. In all of life's coincidence, getting the shades of the shirts that you are wearing similar for 3 straight days is really something, no?

Beginning the third day of work, when she had exhausted all her formal shirt, she thought, what a great idea it would be to try casual sweet to work. So she pulled a cardigan over her spagetthi strap. It was the red one, which she had not worn for almost few months, not since she had her last few classes.

When she saw him coming, how surprised it was for her to note that he was wearing a red, almost maroon in colour tee. Talking about clashes, eh. It was something unexpected since they never did discussed what they should be wearing, lest alone, to find 'matching' outfits in the same tone. Nobody does, except couples in love. Trying not to delved into that too much, she just felt that it was just a coincidence, and nothing more. After all, going out, didn't many people ended up wearing many similiar shades?

The next day, again, her carefully planned wardrobe timing had been clashed with. She had decided to go casual, and thought a shirt with jeans would do nicely to translate this message. Hers was of yellow and white striped baby collared-shirt, with faded jeans. It was really a not unique assemble, something she had paired uncountable times.

And when she saw him in a bright, yellow tee, she was momentarily stunned. How could it be? To clash for the second time was really something. Great mind think alike? Or was it the case of too few too predictable clothes? For her, perhaps it was the latter, but for the guy, she was pretty sure that he had tons more of clothes compared to her. Yikes! She tried her best to ignore that fact, but it swirled in her head throughout the day.

Grey was the option for her the next day. It was unexpected, as she had wanted to wear some white but couldn't find anything. The overall outfit gave her a very dark brooding feel. Hopefully, with this change in mind at the very last minute, the clashes would stop. Two days of wearing similar shades were difficult to go unnoticed. Anxiously, she proceeded on her day. Then saw it, the tee in black!

Really, mere coincidence couldn't be occurring so many times in a row. Was he spying on her? That was simply an impossible thing and she knew that. She in dark gray, he in his black shade. How matching. How obvious! Luckily he was wise enough not to crack a silly joke over it. The first 2 times were really not funny. The third time would be just too embarrassing.

I'm inclined to give us both credit. Great minds think alike. Sounds more cool than 3 times of coincidently wearing the same shades.

stability vs instability

Is it abnormal not to only yearn for a stable life together, but also an unstable life together with that one person? My unfortunate condition of being the so-called right age to get hitched is seriously turning my life topsy-turvy!

For now, others are not just contented to let me live, as what I am living now, but also wants me to commit to them. Endless comings of the question 'when are you both getting married' or 'when's your turn is really turning the heat off for me'. Asked so innocently, perhaps, with the sincerest of trying to show interest and concern of my future, yet I am really not happy with it, not welcoming it. The unconscious pushes, maybe with their sincerest to help set the tone, is really backfiring, big time.

I yearn more than having a place to stay, having good in-laws, having happy close-knitted family, having a good guy looking over my shoulder, having a chauffeur, having grand wedding dinners, having things, of having. I long for time together, adventures together, activities together, talks together, love together, live together, doing together, planning together, going together, growing together, of together. For me, that what happiness together is suppose to be.

Put me at the stake, for not sharing the conventional thinking of your family of ready to wed, then burn me, not forgetting to burn rubber as well at that time. I'm guilty if so.

truly, trust, love, loath

for someone who truly loves another, she will be trusting everything of that person's. what will happen that if that very same person breaks the trust, motives asides? should she then continue her channeling her undivided devotion to that person?

this question played in my mind for so many moons, already. as much as i'm supposed to be a so-called better half of another, i'm not sure that i ever got to that stage of love. to be so much in love with a person, that you just want to be with them, no matter what the risks, the consequences, the battles and wars you have to face, the jeers and humiliations, and of course, the courage you have to endure. no kidding, sometimes, i felt strongly that very much incapable of feeling that deeply, in anything. everything's done more of a reactive behaviour, the notion that i have to be a responsible person, abiding all laws and rules deemed socially and culturally acceptable.

indirectly, this is the result of growing trying to please everyone around me. studying hard to get good results to please the parents, getting into the stream that socially i should be in, going what was deemed professional enough, working in what was deemed better than others, or not doing what that were deemed against the laws of social and moral conduct. simply, in short, letting myself to be cornered almost each and every turn in myself, to believing that i'm good, if i do this and that, just like i'm suppose to be. and that i should be doing just like that, to show my gratefulness and appreciation.

hence, borned was the girl so incapable of doing something wholeheartedly for fear of stomping the house down with self-imposed immoral and over-the-top behaviour. so how is she to let love conquer her, if she herself cannot show love undevotedly? how is she to be trusted, if she herself cannot be trusted? how is she to give love if she loath herself so much? god is great, hence please, light up the path to self-love.

*smile*hug*

In the spirit of suddenness or unexpected behaviours, a dear friend, who is one of the very few people who knows of this existence, had suddenly made it to stop by here, once again. Of course, I'm proud she suddenly had the urge to pay a visit here, but somehow, I wasn't expecting it!

Yes, before she was a big supporter of this gal's ramblings and would read most the entries. Heck, made her jumped on the bandwagon of blogging as well. She has her own blog now, too. Horribly heavy workload and stressful personal relationships took a toll on her time, somewhere about a month or so after she'd started with her new job. So, my blog got one less known visitor all this while.

Anyhow, that's besides the point. She's a very smart girl. Reading them, she applied her very smart intellects and dissected my being, in that same night. I was stripped bare, naked, well, almost. No more hidden agendas. As if there were to begin with!

My Lavender Girl, no worries. See, you have the brains to be an Analyst! Do not disbelieve in yourself and your capabilities. Stop doubting. You showed me, how good you are in piecing things together. I believe in yourself. You just need to believe yourself, more!

*smile*hug* *smile*hug* *smile*hug* *smile*hug* *smile*hug* *smile*hug*

9-char label

I suddenly thought about the famous book of anne frank's, simply known world-wide as The Diary of Anne Frank. Probably everyone knows and have read this book. If they have not read it, they would most likely have heard of it. Who wouldn't, it shot to fame for it's very honest views of life in a war from a teenager.

There is not reason why I should suddenly get this flash of un-brilliance, but I did. What may have been the trigger was perhaps the format of one of my most recent posts, the letter form. Seeing that made me remember how she had addressed all her entries to Dear Kitty before setting off to tell her story.

Kitty was the name she called her so-called journal. My chosen label, was of course, not a name to anything. It just a thought in the very first moment when I used it. This second time around, I had thought, yeah, why not just stick using the same alphabets as I couldn't make up my mind to pick other better, more interesting combination of letters to form names, or labels. Hence, my chosen, (My) PALM. So aligned with the era of the 21st century! Chars were used, rather than alphabets.

Do not go wondering, why those 9char combo. Like I said, there was not any insightful reasoning that I can offer, then. It is the same now. Or rather the same, now is just repeating what's done before. Anne Frank had a already thought of how she had wanted her diary-writing to be before she started. Nothing came across my empty-brain head when I started this blog. Everything was done as the how the mood felt, as I wrote. Even the chars were used so sparingly, appearing only twice, out of the over hundred posts, if I'm not mistaken.

Unfortunately, I still have much to catch up with, in terms of learning the ropes of the technicalities of the language and also manipulations the vocabulary bank. She was so much ahead at that age, compared to me at my age now. I'm slightly embarrassed.

Maybe I should get a copy of that book, my very own copy. I really cannot decide.

immortalized

She was speechless. Again, she scrolled the text message on her mobile. Her eyes read went through the message, this time slowly. She took a deep breath. It felt so touching! Never had anyone told her that. She knew in her heart, that this was one of those messages that she would not forget her whole life.

She was torn. One part of her had really wanted to leave the message there. Yet, she knew, it all hell would break loose if she did. It was one of those messages that could not be kept at all, not even when held ransom. She let out a cry of frustration! Why, oh why, must she be tortured like this? She screamed her heart out, her crumpled, pale-white face the only betrayer of the emotions she was feeling.

Slowly, as her face muscle relaxed, she took a deep breath. Exhaling, a thought came to her. Brilliant! She smiled and wasted no time. Her pudgy fingers quickly started working on keyboard of her pc, her mind focused on her great plan. Within a few clicks, she navigated herself to where she wanted. The blank space on the page of window on screen, finally appeared.

She quickly took her mobile and once again, displayed the message. She re-read it, this time, taking in a few words at a time. Once she had mouthed about 5 words, she put down her trusty mobile by the side of her pc. Her fingers started typing at once. In less than 10 seconds, she had the five words down. Once again, she took mobile, this time taking in another about 5-8 words of the same message. Again, she repeated to transcribe the message to her pc. In less than 2 minutes, it was done. She had managed not only to transcribe her message, but also the message's details. It was an thing to her, to remind her, when it came.

She re-read the message on her pc's screen. She was not taking any chances, and took her mobile. Again, she read the sender's message, once in the while looking at the screen to compare if she had made any mistakes of any kind. This must be perfectly recorded. Satisfied, she deleted the message in her mobile, albeit with a heavy heart. It was necessary, though, and she understood that completely.

Quickly then, she clicked at the 'save now' button. Now, the message would forever be immortalized in her life. Her virtual life. She let go a deep breath and started dreaming.

dream, slow, forget not

Dear (My) PALM,

Good morning.
It's a dark morning, still and cool. Occasionally, the sounds of engines running the highway nearby cuts the silence of the morning. This is my reality, now. Today is the second day I'm up so early in the morning, after so long.

Today's going to be a good day, I can feel it. Apart from improved typing skills, my thoughts are more focus as well. I hope that these are signs that my cognitive level is slowly recovering, going back to normal state for more improvement. It's nice not to lose the one thing that makes us stay sane.

The last few days, while it has been a revelation of sorts, I noticed too, that writing was deserting me. All motors needed in this writings were like fused with each other. This massive system somehow got over liquidated with too much lubricant. Thinking was too much, too fast, too random for the fingers to catch and translate them to words for view. Yes, fingers too had slight of a problem. They went into delayed mode. Maybe the motors wanted a respite after a busy month or so. Perhaps. Perhaps.

Anyhow, this and that gone, time flies. Many things had been waited upon, had been done, had passed during the last few days. Yours truly really felt that if life were to end now, she wouldn't have such as big of regret if it had ended perhaps, say couple months back. The sheer massiveness of the last few days has been really an eye opener for her. Things didn't look that bleak to her, at all. Not so much gloom and murk and numbness as she had thought.

Perhaps the last few days could be described as being in a camp. Sharing camp. One perspective from a happily married lady with her cute, chubby child; another from a smart but stubborn member of the opposite sex, and with last sharing session coming from 3 very talented and insightful but growing beautiful cynics. No holds barred, as one personality might put it. Sharing has never been to welcomed.

Yes, it hit the right on the spot to say I (un)intentionally led myself into my own stalemate condition. It is only right then that I am the only one capable of bring me out of this deep shit. Many plans in my cunning minds, but my weaker will is the controller. Paraphrasing a very experienced lady's thoughts, to which I agree totally, planning is not difficult, but execution is really the main challenge. My challenge is to execute the hundreds of possibilities I've laid out for myself, in my head.

I've always been slow. Thinking things over in the head really takes time. Over the years, sometimes this even led to abandonment of ideas. Wonderful, necessary or just merely ideas. Everyday ideas. Which eventually developed into a habit of not doing, which progressed further to being complacent, which then moved up to the ultimate step of forgetting and just accepting things. Now, I don't want to be forgetful anymore. Being slow is fine, as long as I'm moving. Eventually, the tortoise too reached the end. I don't mind not beating the hare.

Out of habit, I love mornings, the calmness, coolness of things. I think it is still the most serene and uncontaminated part of each day. So good morning, once again. Enjoy it, fast or slow, it's a call all of us can only decide for our own, but don't forget to enjoy it. Do not just forget your dreams, or abandon them.

Thank you very much.

Yours truly,
jsb

a new begninning

Today is really a new beginning for me. A massive beginning in the areas of professional. I hope. This is the date to blow the horn to signify the start of one girl's journey into her unfolding her complicated dreams. A life's journey long seated, waited, and sometimes forgotten!
My first day at work in a school, finally. Congratulations to me, really. While I may not be there as a teacher yet, but just as an officer, at least I had managed to get myself into the field. For that, I'm really proud of myself. The overwhelming information input from the first day is not still not too much to bog down my spirits and stopping me from radiating out positive vibes. Life's short, you learn what ever you can, you go for what ever you want.
Since I could not do my teaching, both for reasons personal and not-so personal, this job was really as good as it could get. I got a taste of handling parents. The first eight hours at the job had already made me a little out of breath and also out of words, but I forgive myself. With a little dreaming, and replaying and reading and memorizing and practising and what-nots and what-shoulds, I pretty sure I can ace this job. Already after the initial shock reeled in and my system got use to the idea, I was already it. A little slow to learn for such a simple job, but heck, the problem was really also contributed with their lack of a decent information sharing and dessimation system. Yes, Pat, I will back you up if you want to lay out the spine to this system. I think that it a great idea, with big potential!
The people are really very friendly and vocal. This really is very much different from the five years back that I was in manufacturing. This was more like friendly and caring while then, it was more like friendly but cunning. However, when all's said, this is but only the first day's impression. Getting in half through a heart-to heart conversation in two person's native dialect and pretending not to understand, did indicate all is not pretty and sweet. Let's wait till the lead player in everyone's messages arrives tomorrow. I believe, things would be even more interesting.
Thanks to all friends for all your kind messages. Love you all for your concerns and appreciate all the support that you guys showered my this morning. They really helped. I couldn't asked for better circle of friends! Truly, I'm blessed! Thank you all, once again, from the bottom of my heart.
I am bracing myself as the load unfolds. All might not be as rosy as this first day.

drink, not drunk

Dream it, and you will have it! The basic concept of the law of attractions says that you need to dream your dream up for it to turn into reality. Keep dreaming of it, keep on thinking of it and by doing so, you will be channeling you energy towards attaining it.

As surprising as it may be, I dreamt of being drunk before. Maybe wish would be a better word here. And indeed, I did get drunk! And 2 nights in a row, how about that?! Okay, maybe I was not really drunk but I was certainly way too high to control or edit my thoughts. My thinking was still coherent, I believe, for I was aware words spoken were in sentences, not burst of unintelligent sounds, as normally portrayed in the movies or dramas. The only set back was just probably I had a little difficulty in abstaining in what was in my head swimming.

Then again, maybe that was the reason I had wanted to get high on alcohol in the very first place. Being chained or restrained, can be very taxing to your mind, body and soul. Many watchful eyes, yet they do nothing to affect me or myself. In that state, however, unhealthy and harmful it maybe to my body and mind, I just didn't mind. It was just great to be there, to be able to express what was buried deep in my head. A long awaited release, it certainly was!

Truth to be told, I believe, that was the state that I was looking for to get in. Conscious but free. Being drunk would have missed the whole drinking point, but being what I was in then, maybe that's why all men and women to consume alcohol! It might sound a little irresponsible, but hey, I still could stand up straight and was still very conscious on how I looked like. Even managed to combed my hair and applied a layer of foundation after that, just enough.

Would I do it again? YES! It was really an unforgettable experience. Definitely one of those moments in my life which I would treasure, and treasure close to heart. Dream it, and you will have it!