Falling into Place

Everything falls into place.

Ask me, just about a half year ago, if I would be married, I would give a very negative respond. Ask me, 2-3 years ago, if I would dared quit my job, twice in that matter, to study for something so different that what I was doing, probably I would say no to that either.

Ask me, if I would dared myself to believe that I could make a decision to be on my own again, say couple months ago, I would have answered you, no, being courageous to make and execute my own decisions have always a very difficult, often abandoning the thoughts at the very end, for the fear to making wrong decisions.

Everything just falls into place. Not realizing that not making or taking the decisions, that's also a decision-making. Not doing certain things then, in your past, you are now effectively needed to take another decision today, thus, affecting your life in another way.

Everything falls into place. We can fear to make decisions, yet I think we should not bother to think if the decisions are the right or wrong ones, for there never is the right or wrong decisions. They are all the best, or the most suitable decision to be taken that time, at that place, under that circumstances. All we need to do is give it our best during the thinking process.

Everything falls into place. That, I learnt.

Impossibly too late!

I mentioned that I got a bouquet of roses a day before Valentine's in one of the previous post. Today I got another bouquet of flowers, this time a mixture of lilies, roses, forget-me-nots, and baby breaths, maybe, a day after Valentine's Day. How weird!

I was suppose to receive the bouquet yesterday actually, but unfortunately, I was back late night after attending a wedding reception of a friend's. The sender then said, it was alright, and then he would instead send it to me today. At that time, I didn't know that what I was to receive would be a flower bouquet. If I had known, probably I would have said, sure, just come and deliver them over!

A gal should be feeling ecstatic to receive a bouquet of flower. I didn't. I felt this bouquet wasn't necessary. It the sender thought it was, then personally, I thought it came a little too late. Not by a day, though. I'm not particular about not getting it on the actual Valentine day. However, the sender had six years in his hands to send me a bouquet, and did not. I would have been ridiculously overjoyed and fall helplessly in love, if he did within those six years. That I would not deny. My romantic side would definitely over-write whatever rational thinking I had then. Things would not have to change, at least not so drastically.

Instead, he chose to present them to me, them so beautiful flowers, this year, when we are no longer a couple. At least in my heart, he is not the one, not any longer. To do this now, it will not change anything. My heart has hardened up for anything related to him. I do not want to hang on to the past, but cherish them, treasure them as part of my memories, some of the things that helped shaped who I am today.

I hope now, he gets the message when I declined to have dinner with him this coming friday, my birthday. I hope that I do not need to get to the point where I need to tell him straight in the face, it's just impossibly too late, for him!

Adjust for a full tummy!

My lifestyle has changed drastically for the past 2 months. Starting a new job in a school wasn't the main contributor. It was the moving out and staying on my own that had made these changes inevitable. A whole new routine and way of life has to be developed. Many adjustments and adaptation were required and are still being slowly unveiled. So far, though, I've been all enjoying this new life. A sense of taking responsibility for my own life and not having to wait for the another for a joined decision. I but dictate my life's steps and course. It's liberating, that of what I feel, always.

Loneliness do tend to creep in, once in a while. Having been staying with many other peoples throughout my whole life, first with my parents, then with my fellow housemates, and moving back in with my parents again when I started working, and then moving up to the city, staying with him, I was never in the situation whereby I stayed alone, or spend the days and weekends alone. It's never too late to learn though.

Right now, though I do have housemates, it's really like staying on my own. Each of us have our own daily agendas and activities to fill up time and to allow us to grow in our lives. Yes, we do look out for each other, but we do understand we need to carry on with our own lives.

I am adjusting, trying as fast as I can. Today, I learned to prepare lunch for myself, and for myself alone. It's a great accomplishment, for right now, my tummy is filled up!

Happy Valentine

Today is Valentine's Day. Today is also a close friend cum housemate's birthday. Happy birthday to the sweet and thoughtful Valentine Baby!

More significantly, this is the first Valentine in my life that I got a dozen red roses and a box of chocolates for Valentine. Yes, I'm that un-privileged, and technically, I actually received them yesterday. However, I'm not complaining. Instead, I am rejoicing in sweet love. This is the first time that someone gave me a bouquet of a dozen red roses!

Sounds such a tired and un-special gift right, a box of chocolates and a bouquet of roses. A so cliche, outdated, tried and over-exhausted method. Yet, my heart cannot but feel love, and loved when I received them. Shocked as I were when they were delivered to me in the office, yet I felt so overwhelmed with the gesture. If I had not been in a public place, probably I would have cried, my heart touched. Furthermore, knowing that it couldn't have been that easy to place the order and make the arrangements for sender.

Everything happens for a reason. In all of the bad that we encounter each day, we tend to forget there are many more good things awaiting to be showered to us. A simple gesture of thanks and a delivery from a special someone, truly made my first friday the thirteenth of this year an easier time to pass. In a midst of frustrating crises, I rejoice to learn that I can be of help.

Happy Valentine's Day, Everyone and not forgetting, Happy Birthday Valentine, Ting.

What goes around, do come around.

Close to a month and a half had passed by since I made known my decision to my now ex-significant other that I no longer desire to make the relationship work. Being the hand that delivered the that severe and very un-anticipated blow, I am surprisingly fast in deleting the memory of the both of us, as a couple, from the very limited high up in the jungles of my grey cells.

Ask me now, what were the words that I used to knife the bond that held us, I can but only remember, that I had told him I no longer want to continue this relationship. All the details to how I said it, the mood of at fateful night, or early morning, barely registers in my head now. It's a little disappointing, to be unable to remember such important details in one's life, but even more worrying is the fact that I am supposed to be able to remember all these details, me being at my age. Shouldn't I?

Am I being terribly ungrateful for the love and attention and support and help, all that I had been given and that I had received, to be able to not feel weighed down even by the slightest of guilt feeling? Instead, I feel as though I've been presented a shovel in life, to bury as much of the memories that I have of the now ended relationship, as fast as I can. I honestly felt that as though I've been a push to lift up higher in life, with a much more open and clearer mind.

To believe in karma, I would need to be very aware that, yes, one day, all that I had done to others, I will have to pay for them, if god is generous, then within this life. Else, perhaps like a friend said, maybe the length of the hideously long but failed relationship was a way that my past self had to repay my now ex. Either way, I, in whichever time universe or generation, would need to pay for my actions.

What goes around, do come around.

To meet someone you love, who loves you back, is minuscule.

In the greatest twist of events, I might, god-willing, be tying the knot in exactly 7 months from this date! Right now, I am doing my best-est to clear up whatever doubts and insecurities that I have in my mind, to find the strength and courage to commit to this marriage.

Events have been unfolding one by one of late, albeit in a speedier momentum compared to the normal, whereby, the dating game goes on for at least a year or two before marriage is being contemplated seriously. It's like coming out of a deep, long coma, and you now want to make every second that you are present, counts and memorable. These were things that I had only dared to dream or wished for before this, never allowing myself to actually believe that one day it could come true.

In the true might of the god’s power, I’ve gone for being in a long term relationship to being single in to being booked for a marriage. No, I’m not on drugs nor was I held ransom when I made all these decisions. Instead, with a mind sober and conscious, with full awareness, I made these choices, one by one. Never was I coaxed into making any one of them.

So far, no one in my most immediate and trusted circle even knows what’s going on exactly, apart from knowing that I’m single, again, emerging from an 8-year long relationship. I believe many will question the rationale of my decision if they were to know that I’m planning to tie the knot later this year. Heck, some might even quit being friendly towards me for keeping it under wraps as tightly as I could, as long as I could. I hope not, though.

At the moment, I am trying to distinguish if this is a rebound-thingy that I’m doing, a reaction of sorts towards my new found status, or something which I really am wanting to commit myself to, for the rest of my life. Without being actually proposed to in person yet, I am fully utilizing the luxury of the time in between to contemplate this. I suspect though, deep down, I have already known what the answer is, long, long before.

To meet someone you love, who loves you back, is minuscule. But not impossible.