Same but yet, different

Looking back at some of my posts of last year, I realized that I've certainly changed as a person. My outlook on certain aspects of life and its idiosyncrasies is definitely different. I wouldn't categorize it as good or bad, neither would I want to label that I've matured. Its really neither of those. It's just that circumstances had made me a different person.

I spent more time to examine the lives around, trying very hard to understand things that were going on. Frustration sets in, naturally, for just like a scientist trying to discover new things, my journey is not so much of a difference. I craved hungrily to understand why things happened the way they happened. The desire and need was so strong that when I couldn't rationalize the reasons, I could feel myself slowly being eaten away by the troubles and the fear that arose from the lack of understanding. Depressed and moody, that's what I became for most of the time when answers just refused me.

The uncertainties that I felt at times were just so overwhelming, many times I had to dig deep to stay afloat in my mind. It was not a very nice state to be in, questioning yourself, over things that you have done all your life, about things that you had strove to perfect throughout your life. The last time I had that kind of tendencies were when the hormones were raging during my adolescence years.

The bouts of puffy eyes were inevitable from a person who was so unstable, emotionally then. I might had been depressed, I wasn't sure. What I was sure was there were many nights where popping pills were a necessity just to allow my body to get the rest it needed. Or downing cough mixture.

Out of all these, when the tide was calmer, I emerged. Fortunately. Really. I am thankful, until now. It changed me certainly. Not for the worse nor for the better. That whole experience, if I may call it, certainly did something to me. I would not say that it's a 180 degrees change, but the feeling of wanting peace for myself is much stronger. The fear of being on my own, less. Whether I am a mentally stronger person remains to be seen.

One thing I realize is most of everything is now treated like a business transaction in my mind. I learnt to push those things away that I want to push. No longer do I feel I owe the world so much or they owe me things. It's weird thing to come down with, for I feel my level of consciousness grew even more.

Same but yet, different.