Health: Attention disorders can take a toll on marriage Read more: Health: Attention disorders can take a toll on marriage

2010/07/26

TARA PARKER-POPE

Does your husband or wife constantly forget chores and lose track of the calendar? Do you sometimes feel that instead of living with a spouse, you’re raising another child?

Your marriage may be suffering from attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. An A.D.H.D. marriage? It may sound like a punch line, but the idea that attention problems can take a toll on adult relationships is getting more attention from mental health experts.

In a marriage, the common symptoms of the disorder — distraction, disorganisation, forgetfulness — can easily be misinterpreted as laziness, selfishness, and a lack of love and concern. Experts suggest that at least four per cent of adults have the disorder, that as many as half of all children with A.D.H.D. do not fully outgrow it and continue to struggle with symptoms as adults, and that many adults with the disorder never received the diagnosis as children. Adults with attention disorders often learn coping skills to help them stay organised and focused at work, but experts say many of them struggle at home, where their tendency to become distracted is a constant source of conflict.

Some research suggests that these adults are twice as likely to be divorced; another study found high levels of distress in 60 percent of marriages where one spouse had the disorder. “Typically people don’t realise the A.D.H.D. is impacting their marriage because there’s been no talk about this at all,” said Melissa Orlov, author of The A.D.H.D. Effect on Marriage, to be published in September. Orlov says she began studying attention deficit’s toll on relationships after her husband received the diagnosis about five years ago.

Although she had been working for years with Dr Ned Hallowell, a leading researcher on the subject, Orlov had not realised that the disorder was also ruining her marriage. “I felt like he was consistently inconsistent,” she said in an interview.

“I could never count on him. It goes from feeling responsible for everything to just chronic anger. I didn’t like the person I’d become either.” (They are now happily married, she added.) Of course, complaints that a husband or wife is inconsiderate and inattentive, or doesn’t help enough around the house, are hardly limited to marriages in which one or both partners have attention problems.

But A.D.H.D. can make matters much worse. It can leave one spouse with 100 per cent of the family responsibility, because the other spouse forgets to pick children up from school or pay bills on time.

Partners without attention problems may feel ignored or unloved when their husband or wife becomes distracted — or, in another symptom of the disorder, hyperfocused on a work project or a computer game.

They may feel they have no choice but to constantly nag to make sure things get done. Spouses with attention deficit, meanwhile, are often unaware of their latest mistake, confused by their partner’s simmering anger.

A lengthy to-do list or a messy house feels overwhelming to the A.D.H.D. brain, causing the person to retreat to a computer or a video game — further infuriating their spouse. “It’s not because they’re lazy or they don’t love their spouse, but because they are distracted,” Orlov said.

“But if you don’t know that distraction is the issue, you start to think the person doesn’t care about you, and anger and resentment build up.” Although treatment often starts with medication, it typically doesn’t solve a couple’s problems.

Talk therapy may be needed to unpack years of accumulated resentments.

— NYT

Taken from the New Straits Times

Read more:

Health: Attention disorders can take a toll on marriage http://www.nst.com.my/nst/articles/Health_Attentiondisorderscantakeatollonmarriage/Article/#ixzz0usHZ6db5

Top 10 traits of Highly Successful People

We have all read about people who are successful briefly. They win a gold medal, make a fortune, or star in one great movie and then disappear.… These examples do not inspire me!

My focus and fascination is with people who seem to do well in many areas of life, and do it over and over through a lifetime. In entertainment, I think of Paul Newman and Bill Cosby. In business, I think of Ben and Jerry (the ice cream moguls)…As a Naval Officer, husband, businessman, politician and now as a mediator and philanthropist on the world stage, Jimmy Carter has had a remarkable life. We all know examples of people who go from one success to another.

These are the people who inspire me! I've studied them, and I've noticed they have the following traits in common:

1. They work hard! Yes, they play hard, too! They get up early, they rarely complain, they expect performance from others, but they expect extraordinary performance from themselves. Repeated, high-level success starts with a recognition that hard work pays off.

2. They are incredibly curious and eager to learn. They study, ask questions and read—constantly! An interesting point, however: While most of them did well in school, the difference is that they apply or take advantage of what they learn. Repeated success is not about memorizing facts, it's about being able to take information and create, build, or apply it in new and important ways. Successful people want to learn everything about everything!

3. They network. They know lots of people, and they know lots of different kinds of people. They listen to friends, neighbors, co- workers and bartenders. They don't have to be "the life of the party," in fact many are quiet, even shy, but they value people and they value relationships. Successful people have a Rolodex full of people who value their friendship and return their calls.

4. They work on themselves and never quit! While the "over-night wonders" become arrogant and quickly disappear, really successful people work on their personality, their leadership skills, management skills, and every other detail of life. When a relationship or business deal goes sour, they assume they can learn from it and they expect to do better next time. Successful people don't tolerate flaws; they fix them!

5. They are extraordinarily creative. They go around asking, "Why not?" They see new combinations, new possibilities, new opportunities and challenges where others see problems or limitations. They wake up in the middle of the night yelling, "I've got it!" They ask for advice, try things out, consult experts and amateurs, always looking for a better, faster, cheaper solution. Successful people create stuff!

6. They are self-reliant and take responsibility. Incredibly successful people don't worry about blame, and they don't waste time complaining. They make decisions and move on.…Extremely successful people take the initiative and accept the responsibilities of success.

7. They are usually relaxed and keep their perspective. Even in times of stress or turmoil, highly successful people keep their balance, they know the value of timing, humor, and patience. They rarely panic or make decisions on impulse. Unusually successful people breath easily, ask the right questions, and make sound decisions, even in a crisis.

8. Extremely successful people live in the present moment. They know that "Now" is the only time they can control. They have a "gift" for looking people in the eye, listening to what is being said, enjoying a meal or fine wine, music or playing with a child. They never seem rushed, and they get a lot done! They take full advantage of each day. Successful people don't waste time, they use it!

9. They "look over the horizon" to see the future. They observe trends, notice changes, see shifts, and hear the nuances that others miss. A basketball player wearing Nikes is trivial, the neighbor kid wearing them is interesting, your own teenager demanding them is an investment opportunity! Extremely successful people live in the present, with one eye on the future!

10. Repeatedly successful people respond instantly! When an investment isn't working out, they sell. When they see an opportunity, they make the call. If an important relationship is cooling down, they take time to renew it. When technology or a new competitor or a change in the economic situation requires an adjustment, they are the first and quickest to respond.

These traits work together in combination, giving repeatedly successful people a huge advantage. Because they are insatiable learners, they can respond wisely to change. Because their personal relationships are strong, they have good advisors, and a reserve of goodwill when things go bad. And finally, none of these traits are genetic! They can be learned! They are free and they are skills you can use. Start now!

Dr. Philip E. Humbert,

Author, speaker and personal success coach

Kop kun-ka, thank you really did good!

A friendly, helpful, respectful and thoughtful character is a crucial ingredient in the service industry. Place such a character in the front layer of any service provider and pretty sure that would not disappoint. I had had my wonderful experience here in this land of the smiles 3 nights ago.

Wonderful Guy aka Wonderful Hubbs, yes, we are signed to oath now, choosing to burden each other for life, took yours truly out to dinner at an italian restaurant not too far away from his office. It was worth the 10minutes or so walk from the nearest train station. Going in, they scored highly for the first impression the ambience gave out. Slow, sweet jazz music was playing at the background, not too loud yet the lyrics were still clearly heard.

Waiting for our food, I noticed they had lined their table top with a big piece of white paper, what we usually call mahjong paper here. When Wonderful Hubbs mentioned that we could draw on the paper using the crayons provided, I was pleasantly surprised. No wonder they had the container of crayons ready almost at each table! I had noticed that first difference when I said down on our table.

Of course I hands went to work. Who could resist the blank space in front and the colourful sticks of long, almost new crayons? That's slightly off the truth. Wonderful Hubbs started first, with his favourite words, in his simple SMS style, written upside down for my reading benefit.

Each of our servings or queries were accompanied with unselfish smiles and gentle body language. Nothing was rush, no fidgeting shown to us when we took such a long time to make up our hungry minds, not a negative remark with a negative intention.

What I liked best was the waiter, in her own raw way, was quite professional. When Wonderful Guy asked what music was playing, she actually said, she would check it out, not the usual lackadaisical answer we so often would get when we asked waitresses here on something not on the menu. She did check it out, going to the extend of allowing us to copy it when we asked. She allowed a moment of cheekiness, asking us to copy the songs into the thumbdrive as well.

But seriously, it is just quite difficult to get good service here in middle range restaurants. When we asked if we could get some cuttlefish grilled instead of fried as in the menu, she didn't give a straight no or worse, I don't know look. Instead, she actually went over to check with the chef in the kitchen first. That, to me, was really great service.

So thank you. You really did good! Kop kun-ka na ka, kun!

let it be me

there may come a time, a time in everyones life

where nothin seems to go your way

where nothing seems to turn out right

there may come a time, you just cant seem to find your way

for every door you walk on to, seems like they get slammed in your face

thats when you need someone,

someone that you can call

and when all your faith is gone

feels like you cant go on

let it be me

let it be me

if its a friend that you need

let it be me

let it be me

feels like your always commin on home

pockets full of nothin and you got no cash

no matter where you turn you aint got no place to stand

reach out for something and they slap your hand

now i remember all to well

just how it feels to be all alone

you feel like youd give anything

for just a little place you can call your own

thats when you need someone, someone that you can call

and when all your faith is gone

feels like you cant go on

let it be me

let it be me

if its a friend you need

let it be me

let it be me

:: Artist: Lamontagne Ray ::

:: Song: Let It Be Me ::

:: Album: Gossip In The Grain ::

Little Bombs

Psssttt!

Let me tell you a secret.

Oh, you don't want to know? But why?

Nah, it's nothing important, nothing that will put you into a spot. Hmm... perhaps it doesn't even qualify as a secret. It's just something I hit on and want to share with someone. Yeah, it's more like that. So don't worry.

Yes, now, quit worrying and lend me your ears, ok? Ready?

Well, I just had my lunch of a bowl of what the Chinese calls them life-long noodles in soup. Soft, white noodles, boiled in homemade soup of anchovies, dried mushroom, some minced pork, and...... little green bombs!

Haha..I knew that would grab your attention. Yes, bombs! They are hot, man!

(giggle) Of course they are not really bombs, but little chillies, hotter than usual bigger ones you often find in the market place. I sliced them up and dumped them all into my little pot of soup.

Yes, of course. That was the purpose of them. To make the soup tastily spicy. Get them little buggers to provide some added ammo to the food. Bomb the place! Heat the hot self up! Hehe..

Just enjoy eating them...of late especially.. the mood's gone down, low. These little bombs, well, they are really great, at least to me. Help release some of the unhappiness out of the window, I guess. Always feel a little better after a meal with them. Without fail, them.

Hahaha..yes, I know. Sometimes, I see dead people, you know.. hehehehe..

Hey, kidding man!

My secret? That's my little secret!

Told you it was not like a secret, secret. More like an information thing, useless though, to you, mostly. But this is one of those useless information that needed saying out.. to be shared..

Haha.. Thanks for your time!

Remotely

Remotely, that was how he had meant to say it.

Certain things can be done remotely, without needing for him to be there.

Things that fall under this category, unfortunately, is different than that of hers.

Alas, when she heard that, it most certainly raised more than just the eyebrows of hers.

It did the most natural of things, opened up the fear that, perhaps, she indeed had to re-think her strategies and methods and way of going on with her life.

Her mind had already raced to the episode where the little one was crying, the room was in a mess, the sink in the kitchen filled with unwashed dishes, in short the home that she was in seemed as though had been through a path of the tornado.

Things could be done in parallel, I don't see why I must be there, she had heard him say.

Remotely, she saw that instantly the unraveling.

Supportive

Wonder who supports my emotional need?

While and when I did them so willingly, with the very good intention of helping and supporting and being a supportive partner, it was never ever recognized, nor appreciated. Instead they were deemed not at all, efforts. The most hurtful was to be asked to actually list down what you have done for your partner, by your partner, and the final most crushing and humiliating moment was actually having him clarifying the items on the list with you!

If I ever had a little ounce of love left for him then, thinking that, yes, I should make an effort to love him and forgive him, after the rational mind is really never rational at all, that final act of questioning really shattered that last ounce and winds of anger helped blow the pieces away. Effort made no presence to net them back, even if it's for just in case.

To forgive and forget ain't that easy when your heart has been shattered even after giving out so much signs and signals. Yes, perhaps I've forgiven but I know, forgetting that is impossible. Loving freely, openly, unconditionally has had it's time. Which has passed.

It's not about being married. It's about respect, respect for each other's need and wants. I give wholeheartedly my support to you, always thinking what's best for you, and you and you, husband or not, bounded by the oath or not. When you can make hype of the little of what others did for you, just because of twines of long genealogy roots that you guys share, I see. It doesn't bother me. Questions start when I start not to see I am no longer an individual to you, that I am to mirror you, where failing makes me the most unsupportive, most intolerable, and effortless person in this world. I do not justify being given tolerance nor support nor respect nor time, because I am me, one who loves her time, speaks english and hates making conversations.

As individualistic as I am, at least I know what is important to me, that is you, that at those earlier moments, did you ever had, in any moment, started thinking of doubts growing in your mind whether or not I was supportive of you, yourself and your wants?

Do you even realized that you stopped listening to me, to the spoken words even, not to mentioned the unspoken vibes? After a while, I could never get the feeling that you would want to listen to me. I ever wonder have you ever questioned yourself if you are supporting my needs as unconditionally as you want me to be supportive of your wants? Because if I can type this post, with tears welling up in my eyes, that speaks a volume right, no, of what I perceived of our relationship?

If I myself support me, then do I ...............?

Determination

One of the not so many positive things that I had the experienced in the last couple of months, was determination. Somehow, being placed in the a situation such like mine, where I needed to do things that I didn't have to with people whom I really normally would get out of their way, if I could, I really felt that, whatever happens, happens.

Having to meet up with so many unknown characters where communication is a problem, do stressed me out everytime. However, do what you have to, I got by, scraped by would be a more appropriate term to use. Every single time.

The effort to scrape by wasn't in vain. Determination grows. To do things, to get things done. To do things well, as best as you ability for that moment allows.

Determination helped to show me, I am not that weak. At all. To survive, I could. To live, I can. I have the power to choose and choose well.

Determination also did not disappoint me. People are generally good people, a little selfish and self-centered, but so am I. We give, I give, they give, we take, I take, they take.