Today's the first step.

I just did a not so good thing just now. I refused to help someone, even though I'm in the best position to do so. Funnily, I felt nothing when making that decision. Now, after a couple of hours passed, I still did feel anything. No guilt and yet no joy.

Funnily, this person had helped me uncountable times before in the past. She has a good nature, and a good heart. Too good, in fact, always putting ahead the needs of others than hers. That's not my sole testimony but many other mutual friends of us.

She crossed a line, not too long ago. Unknowingly, I think. However, I cannot ignore that factor. Again, she did that out of good intentions, on her side, I believe. I, on the other hand, think that it is a line that she should not even touched, no matter if the sky's falling, or the earth's opening up.

Argument is that, I should be forgiving her, for unknowing cross a line. Unfortunately, even my soft rational side seems make this decision. It is a line she should not touch, lest cross. Not even in good faith. Else, I should at least be honest with her, on her mistake. At least, she would have the chance to know that she crossed a line. But alas, I truly believe, it's a line she or any unrelated ones, should not bother themselves about, in the very first place.

For that, the formerly narrowing distance between us will be reversed. Definitely. It is a conscious decision, and one that I make. Not maybe. And today's the first step.

Let's not get tired and forget, again

Today, I decided to spruce up this blog's layout a little. Apart from I suddenly got the creative burst of ideas, I was scrolling down to and felt that it just went on and on. Made me feel there were just too many words on display. The scroll went down for so long, and then u could not scoll anymore. No ending is coming feeling, or something like that. And no pictures, just words.

The pictures were of course from my archives, buried for far too long. They came out nice, I think, after some editing and arranging and modifying and cropping and pasting. No specific tools used here, except for the conventional Paint way. Yeah, I'm not that good in this aspect. I will try to improve though, and learn up some techniques.

I'm not sure of if this blog will ever have a theme, or specific format. So far, I have posted up thoughts, some are diary-entry like, some fiction-like, but surely, somehow, all are coming from the same source, my twisted brain. The focus for now is for the greycells to be more attentive and receptive, so that the reproduction process may be continuously carried out.

Now that I have more time and energy to spend untangling the mess in my head, I going to try to post as much interesting stuff as I can. And stuff that I do not want to forget. And stuff that I want to lay out for me to see. With the creative juices flowing again, and getting stronger each day, I wish myself best of luck. Both in writing and picture editing. Let's all not get tired and forget, again.

I hope this make sense. And, oh ya, this layout might evolve. Savour it whilst it's still here.

It's a Straight 'NO'

I was given a rude shock. I was totally unexpecting it. A marriage proposal, and not by my significant other. Or any other gentlement. It was came out from the mouth of the person I least expect, his mother.

I've been going out with this one guy for almost eight years now. Yes, it's that long. We met during our university days, and are still together after hitting the working world. Yes, eight years is a long time, I would not deny. Like any other relationships, we had our ups and downs. Except for that once, I would say we had never had any major problems. Quarrels were not unheard of, and tantrums were thrown now and again. Of course, I'm mostly the firestarter in all these but hey, like I said, this relationship is no different that others.

Right now, we are living together. We have been living together since I moved up to the city to find work. It has been almost a year now. And so far, things had been good and sweet. We try to stay civil to each other, and I guess it's easier to not get into quarrels or throwing tantrums when you are not in a long distance relationship.

Having dinner together, going together, watching movies together, it's easier when we both are in the same locality. It's makes the relationship less stressful. And in turn, making me less stressful, hence making my brain release less of what ever toxins that it does when it gets stressed. Outside, maybe others would view us as doing okay, doing happy.

Surprisingly though, it was during this that I was staying together with him, that I know, I will not be getting married to him, at least not in this near future. I just felt that living together with him, opened my eyes to a whole new perspective of what kind of a person he is. No, I think here, the more accurate word would be affirming what I kind of person I think he is.

Before, I have had a glimpse of what the person is like during our studying period. But then again, we were all busy busy chasing scrolls and having a good time. With that focused in the mind, it's not a wonder that maybe some aspects of like just gets neglected.

However, now I see that I may never have the guy to do things that I thought should be done, not asked to done. Maybe it was my fault, having automatically doing things, like washing the clothes, and cleaning the place up when I could no longer stand the dirtiness and dustiness. Maybe. Maybe also, having difference in the level of tolerances in this matter, makes it looked like as though i'm the one always have to be picking up on these kind of chores. But won't we learnt some basic survival skill staying our own, like cooking? And definitely not limited to instant noodles. It sure saves alot in along run, not just financially. No, no cooking here, no cleaning, no waking up early to have breakfast together, just dinners.

I really believe, sometimes, I've just been too motherly to him, for doing all these. But I do it for myself, for I cannot stand them not being done that long. It not that I really want to do it for him. I cook, for I really dislike driving around to look for parking and then cracking my head thinking, what would I like to have for dinner, but then get totally disappointed with the dish, and get horrendously shocked for the price I have to pay for being disappointed. That is in all honesty.

That said, all is in me. And I know that. That is why I feel that I could not take this relationship a step further in terms of commitment. Until I can accept all persons are individuals, and he is but one, it's going to be like leaping into field with active landmines. At any moment, when unlucky step is taken, it will blow.

I'm not ready, to be like this, for the rest of my live. I want to be happy, not contented. I want to us to be inter-dependent, not motherly. It might suddenly change overnight, it might dragged on for years, I do not care. It not bad now, and for me, I'm not ready for that to change, just because of someone else's wants.

It's not your wedding, it would be my marriage, and my hauntings. If we ever get there.
So, the answer was a straight 'NO' in the face. And please do not ever think of doing this again, it's not your right. And never will be.

Excuse me, BUT tomorrow?

I think I have a bad habit of over using an excuse of late.

Imagine, letting go of perfect day to go study just because there would be another day coming to do that. I cannot believe that I could use this excuse day in, day out. Always, we will do it tomorrow. Or, Okay, tomorrow la. Or, worse, nevermind la, tomorrow still can do. So easy, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow will come.

I noticed that I do this everyday, just to steal one minute, or an hour, or a day, for extra games with the priceless excuse, literally, of feeding the desire to better the high score, or say, to pollute the visual and audio sensory with unnecessary information, or even to just give the good old fatty friend to grow.

It is quite scary, as right now, I feel that it's getting a little out of control. Having a very relax schedule now does not help to diminish this disease, at all. I make exemptions even at most unnecessary time. And the worse part is that I do not feel guilty doing it. My undisciplined brain merely accepted, not even trying to guilt it out from the pampered heart.

This is me, the one who had wanted to live out her life, to minimize on the regret count as much she could. It is true that another day will always come, but how I could talk myself into believing that I would be part of that coming day, I really do not know.

This habit needs to be stopped. Killed. Right away, if not given a steady calculated death. But how do I attempt to perform this murder? It really not easy to un-cultivate a habit. Is there anyone, anything out there to help me? A pill, maybe. Or a jab in the butt? Or maybe selective hypnosis, perhaps?

It's a great danger to be stuck in this habit, isn't it?

expansion

how long; but it's only a little over a year,
why so; it's for the brain, to stir and shake, to train it,
think about; all that is around us, and all that is in me.

how now; it's not working, not working,
why so; it's too long apart, too few and too unsubstantial,
think about; all around me, and all that is in me.

how now; start, start, and just start to plough ahead,
why so; no rules, no excuses, and time on hand,
think about; all around me, and all that is in me.

how so; just drop everything in here, everything,
why so; the start, jump on it, and wish hard for all to smoothen out,
think about; around me, in me, nothing and everything.

how much; no limits, no censures, no restrictions and no regrets,
why now; it's a chance presented, so capture it must be,
think about; all around me, and all that is in me.

expansion, verse2

Conformance

Conformance.

I first came across this word when I started my first job. My boss at that was giving me a short run through on the nature of my job when I noticed that the word was littered all over his little speech. And that I all I could remember thinking was, what the heck was he talking about, and what is this conformance thing? I could probably just asked him at that moment, but I did not. I believe, he would confused me even more, since I could not make out the meaning of the word from his little speech.

Then I found, conformance is to conform. And conform means to comply, to follow.
Being in the field that I was then, conforming was a necessity. We had to conform to the rules of the house, we had to ensure our outputs were of conformance to standards set, we even to ensure that we conform to our bosses whims & fancies. Occasionally we got to screw those sources for providing us non-conforming products, which we were not aware of. These were, of course, after we ourselves got screwed for our con-conforming outputs.

It was all part of the daily job. A game of conformance. I played it for almost for 5 years. Sometimes, I played it well, full of motivation, spirit, objectivity and focus. Occasionally, I just turn a blind eye, and let the non-conformance rule. Lately, conforming is just taxing me. I felt drained, and lost. After so long playing this game, finding to conform even the basics is just tiring. And limiting. A little too much conformance, and it's suffocating.

So I left. This game of conformance.

For now. How long will I leave it, I do not want to dwell on that yet. It might be forever, it might not be. All in all, it was the best language lesson that i had for conformance.

And now I open another game of conformance, for me to play.

Conquer the Blocking Wall

I think that i'm facing a major writer's block.

I have 2 essays that I need to complete.
So far, it's just a stuttering attempt to start for the first essay.
It's a reflective essay, whereby I have to write about my experiences in a certain situation. I took to the lecturer's advice and thought, sure I could do this reflective essay. It's free form, not structured, and I just need to think back, remember and put down all those memories into words. Should not be that difficult to do. The most important thing is to get the butt down and start writing.

And so I decided, yeah, I should try to start, soonest.

And start I did, and oh my, what a big, thick wall it was in front of me! I could not even move past the introduction. All the ideas were like jumping, but I could not coaxed them to stay still, and help me tell the tale. They were just jumping around in my head, teasing me, challenging me to catch them, fast. And they jumped around, played around, help with a word or two, but always taking their naps when I needed them!

After about 2-3 hours just thinking of the start to the essay, I gave up. It was terrible, just terrible. Those jumping thoughts were just too much for me. I felt the wall built was just too thick, too high with no stairs or drill to get pass or over it, then.

And so, here I am, again, trying hard to break down the wall that has built up in me.