What happened?

What happened? I was asked that question last night, as I got into bed, arranging my 3 layers of blankets, him helping. Once done, he laid beside me, that question the first one out from his mouth. My head was buried almost completely under the multiple layers, my source of warmers. I couldn't see him, nor answer him, proper. I did offer him, though, a mumbling, nothing.

He laid there, for a little while more, perhaps, no longer than 3 minutes, his face looking at me, while I tried my best to ignore it. I failed. His looking was making me really uncomfortable. People staring down at me really makes me feel uncomfortable. It's something that I need to work on.

After a while, turn around, facing the other way. He stayed there in his position for while, before leaving, heading straight to his pc. I made no attempt to talk to him, nor communication with him. How sad, I feel.

At that point, so many thoughts were rushing in my head. Was that the right moment to let him, my intentions? To share my plans of my future, which sadly, doesn't not include him? How would he take it? Would he be shocked? Would he just stare back at me, blank? Would he kick me out, there and then? A thousand and one questions and statements ran through my mind. Only one was not questioned, he would be hurt, very deeply.

Yet, I feel that, it's better for me to be the bad witch, hurting him now, then living a very responsible life without any love for him. While actions may define the love we feel, I feel that I cannot continue to show, to shower my love to him. It has become so fake, to me. This is but not the life I had wanted. Seeing it now, I should get serious about my life and take a steering lead, instead of always just hoping along.

These few weeks would be intense. I can sense it. I must take all the deep breath that I can, summon out all the demons in my head and get courages. Hope and strength has never been more needed than now. What a christmas present, spirit, and holiday!

Forget the world, remember me.

outfits need to grow

Testing outfits for work! I should have experienced this long ago, throughout my five year or so being employed. That way, by now, I would have been an old pro, have tons, or a variety of working clothes to choose from. Instead, here I am this morning, unsure of the outfit that I would like to be seen in, later today in school.

It's rather difficult for me to create a professional look for myself. For now, perhaps. All my working life, it has always been uniforms, or casual look, meaning that jeans are allowed. Whereby looking professional, while it is welcomed with open arms, it is also normal to wear casually to work. After all, working in a manufacturing environment, the most important thing is feeling comfortable when working. Clothes that wouldn't hamper your movements, should you need to evacuate in a jiffy. I shunned skirts as they were always deemed to be a hassle when you have to do un-predicable work of perhaps, moving pc, wiring, etc.

Formal meetings at managerial level or figures of authority may encourage the members to don more business like suits and attires, but since I was never up till that stage, formal meetings, where image and professionalism were of importance, has always found me in formal attires. In others words, pants and formal shirts. The furthest I would go is to apply some lipstick, which would constitute my whole make up pallete. I'm that simple, and pathetic.

Being five years in the business of working hasn't really helped me in this aspect. I need look for more sources and inspirations to create an at least semi-professional look, not semi casual look. Since the start of this week, when casual wear is longer an option, I've been slowly but surely exhausting my formal wear collection, which is by the way, really countable within a minute!

That said, I should be getting myself more, especially jackets and coats, tidy little ones would be fine. Also, I've made up my mind to wear formal today. I'll keep my coat and skirts for the next time. Perhaps next week, when the working days are just 2 out of the whole workweek! Yes, but the lipstick will be applied. Morning cheers everyone.

Life's unfair

Interestingly, the unfairness of life is what makes life, life. Daily, it is so common to come across the phrase, life's unfair, either in jest, in hard emotional situations, in happiness, in anger. People seemed to like using this phrase alot.

I was reminded of this phrase again, yesterday. For the past 2 days, I was engaged in the in-house training, or so called workshop. One of the speakers were the place's consultant, a mschun. I shall not name her here, though. Anyhow, she's a great speaker and motivator.

It was her that used this phrase in one of sections. I had not of the habit to use it, hence hearing it again, make me think. My head was spinning, listening to her, while also processing my memories.

Life's unfair, but it is perhaps the things that you deemed unfair that makes it fair. You get some, therefore, without a doubt you have to give some. You want more money, you have to work. You want more time, you have reduce work. You want to be heard, you have to talk. You want to listen, you have to stop talking to give others a chance to be heard. You want big head, you have to die, or try to undergo impossible surgery. You want to move out, you cannot stay here, comfortable as you are.

So life's unfairness. Maybe. But like I said, maybe we all should not emphasis on the UN-but instead the fairness. It's the balance, the yin and yang of this world. Life's unfairness is the FAIRNESS of life. It has to be, there's no other way.