Remotely

Remotely, that was how he had meant to say it.

Certain things can be done remotely, without needing for him to be there.

Things that fall under this category, unfortunately, is different than that of hers.

Alas, when she heard that, it most certainly raised more than just the eyebrows of hers.

It did the most natural of things, opened up the fear that, perhaps, she indeed had to re-think her strategies and methods and way of going on with her life.

Her mind had already raced to the episode where the little one was crying, the room was in a mess, the sink in the kitchen filled with unwashed dishes, in short the home that she was in seemed as though had been through a path of the tornado.

Things could be done in parallel, I don't see why I must be there, she had heard him say.

Remotely, she saw that instantly the unraveling.

Supportive

Wonder who supports my emotional need?

While and when I did them so willingly, with the very good intention of helping and supporting and being a supportive partner, it was never ever recognized, nor appreciated. Instead they were deemed not at all, efforts. The most hurtful was to be asked to actually list down what you have done for your partner, by your partner, and the final most crushing and humiliating moment was actually having him clarifying the items on the list with you!

If I ever had a little ounce of love left for him then, thinking that, yes, I should make an effort to love him and forgive him, after the rational mind is really never rational at all, that final act of questioning really shattered that last ounce and winds of anger helped blow the pieces away. Effort made no presence to net them back, even if it's for just in case.

To forgive and forget ain't that easy when your heart has been shattered even after giving out so much signs and signals. Yes, perhaps I've forgiven but I know, forgetting that is impossible. Loving freely, openly, unconditionally has had it's time. Which has passed.

It's not about being married. It's about respect, respect for each other's need and wants. I give wholeheartedly my support to you, always thinking what's best for you, and you and you, husband or not, bounded by the oath or not. When you can make hype of the little of what others did for you, just because of twines of long genealogy roots that you guys share, I see. It doesn't bother me. Questions start when I start not to see I am no longer an individual to you, that I am to mirror you, where failing makes me the most unsupportive, most intolerable, and effortless person in this world. I do not justify being given tolerance nor support nor respect nor time, because I am me, one who loves her time, speaks english and hates making conversations.

As individualistic as I am, at least I know what is important to me, that is you, that at those earlier moments, did you ever had, in any moment, started thinking of doubts growing in your mind whether or not I was supportive of you, yourself and your wants?

Do you even realized that you stopped listening to me, to the spoken words even, not to mentioned the unspoken vibes? After a while, I could never get the feeling that you would want to listen to me. I ever wonder have you ever questioned yourself if you are supporting my needs as unconditionally as you want me to be supportive of your wants? Because if I can type this post, with tears welling up in my eyes, that speaks a volume right, no, of what I perceived of our relationship?

If I myself support me, then do I ...............?

Determination

One of the not so many positive things that I had the experienced in the last couple of months, was determination. Somehow, being placed in the a situation such like mine, where I needed to do things that I didn't have to with people whom I really normally would get out of their way, if I could, I really felt that, whatever happens, happens.

Having to meet up with so many unknown characters where communication is a problem, do stressed me out everytime. However, do what you have to, I got by, scraped by would be a more appropriate term to use. Every single time.

The effort to scrape by wasn't in vain. Determination grows. To do things, to get things done. To do things well, as best as you ability for that moment allows.

Determination helped to show me, I am not that weak. At all. To survive, I could. To live, I can. I have the power to choose and choose well.

Determination also did not disappoint me. People are generally good people, a little selfish and self-centered, but so am I. We give, I give, they give, we take, I take, they take.