Determination

One of the not so many positive things that I had the experienced in the last couple of months, was determination. Somehow, being placed in the a situation such like mine, where I needed to do things that I didn't have to with people whom I really normally would get out of their way, if I could, I really felt that, whatever happens, happens.

Having to meet up with so many unknown characters where communication is a problem, do stressed me out everytime. However, do what you have to, I got by, scraped by would be a more appropriate term to use. Every single time.

The effort to scrape by wasn't in vain. Determination grows. To do things, to get things done. To do things well, as best as you ability for that moment allows.

Determination helped to show me, I am not that weak. At all. To survive, I could. To live, I can. I have the power to choose and choose well.

Determination also did not disappoint me. People are generally good people, a little selfish and self-centered, but so am I. We give, I give, they give, we take, I take, they take.

Weight of Colours

I have, beside me now, a catalogue for paint colours. I have, behind this windows, windows opened to pages of paint colours and related simulation tools. At a little corner of my table, a small space is taken up by some pieces of recycled papers, with a box of colour pencils, coloured drafts sketched on them.

[ Needless to say, these are tools to feed my conscience. Does it help? Yes, partially only, to feed my very rusted and untrustable imagination gear. To see helps, I always fool myself. This time notwithstanding. ]

I am not an artist nor a designer. I am just a soul so overwhelmed with the myriad of available paint colours out there and so pressed to include the likes and preferences of others in my decisions while trying to not forget to love myself too.

[ Though I wish, too. Surround yourself with so many available canvases since day one. So many chances to use and test, until the day you have to do it for yourself, you would have had seen the best and tried many a times that you can but only save the best for yourself. Now, wouldn't that be nice? ]

Life in neutral is safe. Life in bright hues is uplifting. Life in contrasts is mostly very challenging yet can sometimes turn out endearing. Life is harmonies evokes calmness, most of the time. Life in tones is very subjective. Life in colours is, well, ALIVE.

[ How can I choose? Tell me. Teach me. What is to be taken heavier in my considerations if I am always stuck with this cloud of 'in-debtness' swirling above my head? I cannot, really cannot, push away that cloud, no matter how hard I try to do. No matter how hard I try to disengage myself from that thought. It's heavy, I feel it, I see it, I feel it. Always. ]

Choose I have too, chose I had. Lets just enjoy the outcome. Else, get use to it and then enjoy it.

[ Start praying now. Prepare your neck too. ]

Has Not

So, where did I go wrong? My question has not been answered, still.

The answer to the questioned posted almost a month ago, I still, up til now, cannot find one which would not defy all logic and clarity, one which I could accept should I lower my acceptance rate, one which would just so un-clearly even point to me my wrong move or moves made.

The talk had been done. Over. Clearly from there, I have high hopes that was transpired between the two very confused and separated souls, of them, were understood fully by them. Hoping that my understanding and interpretation of the exchanged words and emotions were spot on. Let me be at least on the correct dartboard, even if I did not hit the bull's eye.

Then, why do I have this fear, though, sitting in me, this stinking feeling that I somehow am still not correlated to what was wanted, is wanted.