It's a Straight 'NO'

I was given a rude shock. I was totally unexpecting it. A marriage proposal, and not by my significant other. Or any other gentlement. It was came out from the mouth of the person I least expect, his mother.

I've been going out with this one guy for almost eight years now. Yes, it's that long. We met during our university days, and are still together after hitting the working world. Yes, eight years is a long time, I would not deny. Like any other relationships, we had our ups and downs. Except for that once, I would say we had never had any major problems. Quarrels were not unheard of, and tantrums were thrown now and again. Of course, I'm mostly the firestarter in all these but hey, like I said, this relationship is no different that others.

Right now, we are living together. We have been living together since I moved up to the city to find work. It has been almost a year now. And so far, things had been good and sweet. We try to stay civil to each other, and I guess it's easier to not get into quarrels or throwing tantrums when you are not in a long distance relationship.

Having dinner together, going together, watching movies together, it's easier when we both are in the same locality. It's makes the relationship less stressful. And in turn, making me less stressful, hence making my brain release less of what ever toxins that it does when it gets stressed. Outside, maybe others would view us as doing okay, doing happy.

Surprisingly though, it was during this that I was staying together with him, that I know, I will not be getting married to him, at least not in this near future. I just felt that living together with him, opened my eyes to a whole new perspective of what kind of a person he is. No, I think here, the more accurate word would be affirming what I kind of person I think he is.

Before, I have had a glimpse of what the person is like during our studying period. But then again, we were all busy busy chasing scrolls and having a good time. With that focused in the mind, it's not a wonder that maybe some aspects of like just gets neglected.

However, now I see that I may never have the guy to do things that I thought should be done, not asked to done. Maybe it was my fault, having automatically doing things, like washing the clothes, and cleaning the place up when I could no longer stand the dirtiness and dustiness. Maybe. Maybe also, having difference in the level of tolerances in this matter, makes it looked like as though i'm the one always have to be picking up on these kind of chores. But won't we learnt some basic survival skill staying our own, like cooking? And definitely not limited to instant noodles. It sure saves alot in along run, not just financially. No, no cooking here, no cleaning, no waking up early to have breakfast together, just dinners.

I really believe, sometimes, I've just been too motherly to him, for doing all these. But I do it for myself, for I cannot stand them not being done that long. It not that I really want to do it for him. I cook, for I really dislike driving around to look for parking and then cracking my head thinking, what would I like to have for dinner, but then get totally disappointed with the dish, and get horrendously shocked for the price I have to pay for being disappointed. That is in all honesty.

That said, all is in me. And I know that. That is why I feel that I could not take this relationship a step further in terms of commitment. Until I can accept all persons are individuals, and he is but one, it's going to be like leaping into field with active landmines. At any moment, when unlucky step is taken, it will blow.

I'm not ready, to be like this, for the rest of my live. I want to be happy, not contented. I want to us to be inter-dependent, not motherly. It might suddenly change overnight, it might dragged on for years, I do not care. It not bad now, and for me, I'm not ready for that to change, just because of someone else's wants.

It's not your wedding, it would be my marriage, and my hauntings. If we ever get there.
So, the answer was a straight 'NO' in the face. And please do not ever think of doing this again, it's not your right. And never will be.

Excuse me, BUT tomorrow?

I think I have a bad habit of over using an excuse of late.

Imagine, letting go of perfect day to go study just because there would be another day coming to do that. I cannot believe that I could use this excuse day in, day out. Always, we will do it tomorrow. Or, Okay, tomorrow la. Or, worse, nevermind la, tomorrow still can do. So easy, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow will come.

I noticed that I do this everyday, just to steal one minute, or an hour, or a day, for extra games with the priceless excuse, literally, of feeding the desire to better the high score, or say, to pollute the visual and audio sensory with unnecessary information, or even to just give the good old fatty friend to grow.

It is quite scary, as right now, I feel that it's getting a little out of control. Having a very relax schedule now does not help to diminish this disease, at all. I make exemptions even at most unnecessary time. And the worse part is that I do not feel guilty doing it. My undisciplined brain merely accepted, not even trying to guilt it out from the pampered heart.

This is me, the one who had wanted to live out her life, to minimize on the regret count as much she could. It is true that another day will always come, but how I could talk myself into believing that I would be part of that coming day, I really do not know.

This habit needs to be stopped. Killed. Right away, if not given a steady calculated death. But how do I attempt to perform this murder? It really not easy to un-cultivate a habit. Is there anyone, anything out there to help me? A pill, maybe. Or a jab in the butt? Or maybe selective hypnosis, perhaps?

It's a great danger to be stuck in this habit, isn't it?

expansion

how long; but it's only a little over a year,
why so; it's for the brain, to stir and shake, to train it,
think about; all that is around us, and all that is in me.

how now; it's not working, not working,
why so; it's too long apart, too few and too unsubstantial,
think about; all around me, and all that is in me.

how now; start, start, and just start to plough ahead,
why so; no rules, no excuses, and time on hand,
think about; all around me, and all that is in me.

how so; just drop everything in here, everything,
why so; the start, jump on it, and wish hard for all to smoothen out,
think about; around me, in me, nothing and everything.

how much; no limits, no censures, no restrictions and no regrets,
why now; it's a chance presented, so capture it must be,
think about; all around me, and all that is in me.

expansion, verse2