Health: Attention disorders can take a toll on marriage Read more: Health: Attention disorders can take a toll on marriage

2010/07/26

TARA PARKER-POPE

Does your husband or wife constantly forget chores and lose track of the calendar? Do you sometimes feel that instead of living with a spouse, you’re raising another child?

Your marriage may be suffering from attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. An A.D.H.D. marriage? It may sound like a punch line, but the idea that attention problems can take a toll on adult relationships is getting more attention from mental health experts.

In a marriage, the common symptoms of the disorder — distraction, disorganisation, forgetfulness — can easily be misinterpreted as laziness, selfishness, and a lack of love and concern. Experts suggest that at least four per cent of adults have the disorder, that as many as half of all children with A.D.H.D. do not fully outgrow it and continue to struggle with symptoms as adults, and that many adults with the disorder never received the diagnosis as children. Adults with attention disorders often learn coping skills to help them stay organised and focused at work, but experts say many of them struggle at home, where their tendency to become distracted is a constant source of conflict.

Some research suggests that these adults are twice as likely to be divorced; another study found high levels of distress in 60 percent of marriages where one spouse had the disorder. “Typically people don’t realise the A.D.H.D. is impacting their marriage because there’s been no talk about this at all,” said Melissa Orlov, author of The A.D.H.D. Effect on Marriage, to be published in September. Orlov says she began studying attention deficit’s toll on relationships after her husband received the diagnosis about five years ago.

Although she had been working for years with Dr Ned Hallowell, a leading researcher on the subject, Orlov had not realised that the disorder was also ruining her marriage. “I felt like he was consistently inconsistent,” she said in an interview.

“I could never count on him. It goes from feeling responsible for everything to just chronic anger. I didn’t like the person I’d become either.” (They are now happily married, she added.) Of course, complaints that a husband or wife is inconsiderate and inattentive, or doesn’t help enough around the house, are hardly limited to marriages in which one or both partners have attention problems.

But A.D.H.D. can make matters much worse. It can leave one spouse with 100 per cent of the family responsibility, because the other spouse forgets to pick children up from school or pay bills on time.

Partners without attention problems may feel ignored or unloved when their husband or wife becomes distracted — or, in another symptom of the disorder, hyperfocused on a work project or a computer game.

They may feel they have no choice but to constantly nag to make sure things get done. Spouses with attention deficit, meanwhile, are often unaware of their latest mistake, confused by their partner’s simmering anger.

A lengthy to-do list or a messy house feels overwhelming to the A.D.H.D. brain, causing the person to retreat to a computer or a video game — further infuriating their spouse. “It’s not because they’re lazy or they don’t love their spouse, but because they are distracted,” Orlov said.

“But if you don’t know that distraction is the issue, you start to think the person doesn’t care about you, and anger and resentment build up.” Although treatment often starts with medication, it typically doesn’t solve a couple’s problems.

Talk therapy may be needed to unpack years of accumulated resentments.

— NYT

Taken from the New Straits Times

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Health: Attention disorders can take a toll on marriage http://www.nst.com.my/nst/articles/Health_Attentiondisorderscantakeatollonmarriage/Article/#ixzz0usHZ6db5

Top 10 traits of Highly Successful People

We have all read about people who are successful briefly. They win a gold medal, make a fortune, or star in one great movie and then disappear.… These examples do not inspire me!

My focus and fascination is with people who seem to do well in many areas of life, and do it over and over through a lifetime. In entertainment, I think of Paul Newman and Bill Cosby. In business, I think of Ben and Jerry (the ice cream moguls)…As a Naval Officer, husband, businessman, politician and now as a mediator and philanthropist on the world stage, Jimmy Carter has had a remarkable life. We all know examples of people who go from one success to another.

These are the people who inspire me! I've studied them, and I've noticed they have the following traits in common:

1. They work hard! Yes, they play hard, too! They get up early, they rarely complain, they expect performance from others, but they expect extraordinary performance from themselves. Repeated, high-level success starts with a recognition that hard work pays off.

2. They are incredibly curious and eager to learn. They study, ask questions and read—constantly! An interesting point, however: While most of them did well in school, the difference is that they apply or take advantage of what they learn. Repeated success is not about memorizing facts, it's about being able to take information and create, build, or apply it in new and important ways. Successful people want to learn everything about everything!

3. They network. They know lots of people, and they know lots of different kinds of people. They listen to friends, neighbors, co- workers and bartenders. They don't have to be "the life of the party," in fact many are quiet, even shy, but they value people and they value relationships. Successful people have a Rolodex full of people who value their friendship and return their calls.

4. They work on themselves and never quit! While the "over-night wonders" become arrogant and quickly disappear, really successful people work on their personality, their leadership skills, management skills, and every other detail of life. When a relationship or business deal goes sour, they assume they can learn from it and they expect to do better next time. Successful people don't tolerate flaws; they fix them!

5. They are extraordinarily creative. They go around asking, "Why not?" They see new combinations, new possibilities, new opportunities and challenges where others see problems or limitations. They wake up in the middle of the night yelling, "I've got it!" They ask for advice, try things out, consult experts and amateurs, always looking for a better, faster, cheaper solution. Successful people create stuff!

6. They are self-reliant and take responsibility. Incredibly successful people don't worry about blame, and they don't waste time complaining. They make decisions and move on.…Extremely successful people take the initiative and accept the responsibilities of success.

7. They are usually relaxed and keep their perspective. Even in times of stress or turmoil, highly successful people keep their balance, they know the value of timing, humor, and patience. They rarely panic or make decisions on impulse. Unusually successful people breath easily, ask the right questions, and make sound decisions, even in a crisis.

8. Extremely successful people live in the present moment. They know that "Now" is the only time they can control. They have a "gift" for looking people in the eye, listening to what is being said, enjoying a meal or fine wine, music or playing with a child. They never seem rushed, and they get a lot done! They take full advantage of each day. Successful people don't waste time, they use it!

9. They "look over the horizon" to see the future. They observe trends, notice changes, see shifts, and hear the nuances that others miss. A basketball player wearing Nikes is trivial, the neighbor kid wearing them is interesting, your own teenager demanding them is an investment opportunity! Extremely successful people live in the present, with one eye on the future!

10. Repeatedly successful people respond instantly! When an investment isn't working out, they sell. When they see an opportunity, they make the call. If an important relationship is cooling down, they take time to renew it. When technology or a new competitor or a change in the economic situation requires an adjustment, they are the first and quickest to respond.

These traits work together in combination, giving repeatedly successful people a huge advantage. Because they are insatiable learners, they can respond wisely to change. Because their personal relationships are strong, they have good advisors, and a reserve of goodwill when things go bad. And finally, none of these traits are genetic! They can be learned! They are free and they are skills you can use. Start now!

Dr. Philip E. Humbert,

Author, speaker and personal success coach

Kop kun-ka, thank you really did good!

A friendly, helpful, respectful and thoughtful character is a crucial ingredient in the service industry. Place such a character in the front layer of any service provider and pretty sure that would not disappoint. I had had my wonderful experience here in this land of the smiles 3 nights ago.

Wonderful Guy aka Wonderful Hubbs, yes, we are signed to oath now, choosing to burden each other for life, took yours truly out to dinner at an italian restaurant not too far away from his office. It was worth the 10minutes or so walk from the nearest train station. Going in, they scored highly for the first impression the ambience gave out. Slow, sweet jazz music was playing at the background, not too loud yet the lyrics were still clearly heard.

Waiting for our food, I noticed they had lined their table top with a big piece of white paper, what we usually call mahjong paper here. When Wonderful Hubbs mentioned that we could draw on the paper using the crayons provided, I was pleasantly surprised. No wonder they had the container of crayons ready almost at each table! I had noticed that first difference when I said down on our table.

Of course I hands went to work. Who could resist the blank space in front and the colourful sticks of long, almost new crayons? That's slightly off the truth. Wonderful Hubbs started first, with his favourite words, in his simple SMS style, written upside down for my reading benefit.

Each of our servings or queries were accompanied with unselfish smiles and gentle body language. Nothing was rush, no fidgeting shown to us when we took such a long time to make up our hungry minds, not a negative remark with a negative intention.

What I liked best was the waiter, in her own raw way, was quite professional. When Wonderful Guy asked what music was playing, she actually said, she would check it out, not the usual lackadaisical answer we so often would get when we asked waitresses here on something not on the menu. She did check it out, going to the extend of allowing us to copy it when we asked. She allowed a moment of cheekiness, asking us to copy the songs into the thumbdrive as well.

But seriously, it is just quite difficult to get good service here in middle range restaurants. When we asked if we could get some cuttlefish grilled instead of fried as in the menu, she didn't give a straight no or worse, I don't know look. Instead, she actually went over to check with the chef in the kitchen first. That, to me, was really great service.

So thank you. You really did good! Kop kun-ka na ka, kun!